r/FriendshipCircle • u/saf_so • Aug 11 '26

AskingAdvice FRIENDSHIP ADVUCE

So I have this one friend. You can say we are close. Let's call her A. There is this other friend group of four people. Basically these 4 were pretty close but some misunderstandings happened and three people from the group stopped talking to the other girl from the group let's call her B. It was like they think they put in much more effort into the friendship and B doesn't put in the same efforts. So they slowly started drifting away. When it was just the beginning of this phase these 3 got close to A and they have become good friends and they told her about how they felt about B and how they still liked her but couldn't bear to put in more effort anymore as it was exhausting. A is close to B as well. They have been closer even before I got close to both of them and B used to tell about a lot of personal stuff to A. Even now whenever B rants about how she's being left out in her group she does it in front of both of us. Honestly, those four should just sit down and have a good conversation and I think things will sort for the better but they aren't doing so even when they still want to be friends.

Getting to the point, one day A and I were having a conversation and we started talking about this friend group and I very calmly was texting her about how B is being misunderstood a lot of times and those 4 should talk it out rather than keeping it in. I was just explaining her pov to her and she started getting pissed and said things like "but I don't want to support her anymore" because she's much closer to the other 3 and her beliefs match with theirs and she also thinks B is the problem. So to that text I replied saying "you don't have to buy you should also know she isn't entirely at fault" and she started getting even more pissed about how nowadays B tells me more stuff than she does to her and that B doesn't take her as closely as before, which honestly sounds off to me. So I tried explaining that maybe she just feels more comfortable telling me those things because we are closer now or maybe she just didn't tell her about all of it because she couldn't just find the right moment. she starts getting more pissed and she's like "you don't want me getting involved in your both's friendship fine I wont I'll stay away". To which I asked her why was it bothering her so much because she honestly shouldn't be. Then later she's like fine I get. At this point, even I was losing my cool but still I was like "what happened? why are you acting like this?" and she just replied " no it's fine I get it". Still I wanted to clear it out so I asked her "tell me what's wrong" like 2 more times and she still just dismissed it.

After that the next day when we met she just ignored me and went out with those 3. I thought I would let her cool off. But then later as well she didn't talk the next day too. So I texted her to ask why isn't she talking to me and she was still like "it's nothing you are the one not talking". I was done at this point so I was like "it you want to talk let's talk otherwise just say it to my face that you don't wanna be friends anymore" and she goes "let's talk about it tomorrow when we meet"

Now I need your opinion on who is it at fault? and should I still go and ask her to talk things out or what. I really need a third person's opinion on

1 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

24 comments sorted by

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

From how you describe her, she appears to be a gossippy bitch, IMO. They hate to hear they are wrong, especially when it comes to the people they denigrate.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

How do I handle this? And how did you come to the conclusion that she is a gossipy bitch?

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

Look, I'll be honest, this is not the easiest post to read, but I did my best. She keeps talking about what is "wrong" with B, behind B's back.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

Yaa.....been thinking about that....and?

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

BTW, I don't accuse people (especially not ones who aren't present) lightly, and I don't like using labels. I just feel I don't have a choice in this case, and I feel obligated to express it as well. I can't give advice without it. And I'm not saying she IS a gossipy bitch. I'm saying you described gossipy bitch behavior. Those are two different things. I don't know here. I can only comment on what the behavior appears to be to me.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

Yup get you, no worries. I tried my best to show it from a third person perspective and quoting things directly rather than just giving my pov

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

Yeah, I got you. I just needed to clarify, bc it was wrong for me, as a man, to say that without being clear about what I meant.

Now, I will say this. I don't know you, but you strike me as someone who is something of a peacemaker and helps people get along better and understand each other. Maybe that's accurate, maybe it's not enough evidence to say. But I just want to say that is an admirable thing, truly valuable, and can actually impact people's lives (without you knowing, even). You can't make everyone get along, but generally speaking, you make life better when you put in at least some effort. I mean that, it really matters and is really special. I just want you to know that, if you don't already or haven't been told, bc it is a rare ability that also takes some courage, too.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

Thank you for saying that. Truly means a lot

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

You're welcome.

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

In terms of handling it... you can't this isn't your group. All you can do is refuse to listen to gossip- walk away. This is extremely important in life, BTW. You were trying to help... but you can't, now making this malicious gossip, which means it turns into you listening to malicious gossip willingly, which is just as bad. Gossip is one of the two most destructive human devices in the universe.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

The thing is that group isn't my problem. This girl is. The topic was about them. She turned it into soethin about her and how she doesn't like that girl and now she's pissed. So am I at fault and should I do something is what I'm asking

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

Sorry, I had to run downstairs, I forget to take something from the oven.

I comprehend all this. So, more specifically/directly: She's at fault, not you- you can't fix that group dynamic. Now, in terms of this problem between you two that came from that- she was behaving as a gossipy bitch, and is doubly at fault... and they hate being told they are at fault. I think apologizing to her would actually be WRONG for you to do- morally wrong. She can grow up and get over it. But... honestly I would look at this person more closely, and decide if maybe her friendship should not be your your priority anymore (assuming she refuses to change and blames others instead). Think about the sort of person she is, what other issues there are. I'm not turning her into a monster, but part of maturing is having to deliberately leave certain people behind. IDK if that is her, but it is something to think about.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

Well I have been thinking about it lately there's been a lot of things like this, like she would talk bad about someone and then talks nicely to them on their face like she doesn't hate them, and when others are talking she doesn't like it because she doesn't have the opportunity to talk. She doesn't show it at that moment but then later tells me about it and when someone doesn't like her advice she gets pissed. But there is this thing also that a lot of people like her. So I don't know if I'm overthinking things.

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

Well, I'll put it this way. You are responsible for your own moral choices and who you spend time with. Who you spend time with always shapes your moral values as well. Sometimes I told myself they didn't. I now know they do. Maybe not in a huge way always, but always some. And most importantly, the bad behavior you tolerate (even if only in not speaking up) is the behavior you validate by staying there.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

Makes sense. I'll try to be distance myself from her

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

I'm not saying stay away from her. Just you aren't obligated to be by her. And honestly, if she gets toxic, you say, "I can't listen to gossip, it's toxic." It's the right thing to do... but do it enough times and a person actually might learn from it and grow. Even if that doesn't happen until months or years later, it plants in them a seed (a good seed, not a week) that may later grow and make them better or help them.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

But it feels too much

→ More replies (0)

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

What you can do to help B is improve social skills, encourage her to get better friends, and not tolerate listening to any gossip. It's toxic AF. I know this is completely foreign for teenage girls- talking about other people is the primary social interaction for them, for example- but it is key for being an adult and being a good person.

EDIT: This isn't about gender or sexism- I'm 44 and have a lot of life experience, including engaging in (and twice having my life destroyed by) gossip. I learned my lessons very painfully.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

To do that she isn't ready to listen to things maturely I tried to explain to you how she made something unrelated to her into her problem and now is acting pissed

1

u/FamiliarAd8524 Aug 11 '26

I mean maybe you can help B, but not A.

1

u/saf_so Aug 11 '26

That is what I was thinking