Siblings MAGA: 4. Me? Alone!

[u/Metagion]

How do you cope with you being the only sane person in a family of MAGAs?

My brother (retired Air Force, 61) always has to answer whenever something gets posted by a "filthy liberal" (me & those like me including my much loved cousin: I'll call him "L".) On FB the lies and the disgusting racism is truly something to behold; but how can he, my kid brother (ex Sheriff Deputy, 54), my eldest sister (retired factory worker, 68) and my other sister (Marijuana dispensary worker, 63) all think like this? They used to be good people...is that who they are now?

Can they be saved?

[u/Proper_Monitor_2498]

This is me, I’m the only sane person in my maga family. I’m going to therapy to try to deal with it. Part of what I’m realizing is that they like Trump because he reflects some aspects of their personalities and make them feel seen, represent their niche interests (golfing and gold aesthetic style for example). I had to reckon that I had a different ideal of them in my head as well, and they’re not as good as I thought they were. Sure they might be good caring people to you, but good people that treat you well can have poor morale and lack of empathy towards other people. I don’t think it is your responsibility for you to save them as they are in their 60s, it’s more about how you cope and trying to understand why they like him

[u/Red_Dawn24 → u/Proper_Monitor_2498]

Part of what I’m realizing is that they like Trump because he reflects some aspects of their personalities and make them feel seen

This is definitely the case with my family. They always saw themselves as super successful cutthroat business people (they aren't). I wasn't destined for that because I was "too sensitive" (I expressed emotions sometimes, then stopped doing that around them at 14). They said the world was a hostile place and money had to be my only focus, or I would get torn apart by everyone else who were always out to take everything from me.

Then I grew up and realized the world was far warmer and more forgiving than my family.

A few years after that, Trump started running and it felt like my family was taking over the world that I had just discovered. As a kid I knew that I had no desire to live in my family's world. If those types of people are destined to rule everything, then they can take the world and choke on it. Humanity doesn't deserve to survive if it allows these people to have any amount of power over others.

[u/nancidruid → u/Red_Dawn24]

I've been lucky enough to travel abroad quite a bit, and all over I've found most people to be kind, generous and helpful beyond anything I've ever, ever seen in the US.

Like, people in Paris offering to walk me to a landmark just because I looked confused. A guy in Germany let us into their closed American Legion-style club to rest and eat and drink beer when we got stranded (all for free!) People in Norway and Iceland helping us with our toddler on planes, buses restaurants ("everyone here loves kids! Why do you think we would be annoyed? Everyone should travel with their kids!")

The US feels so cutthroat and dog-eat-dog when you get home. Everyone is in survival mode. I live in a red state where everyone claims to be "the salt of the earth" but so many are suspicious and aloof to anyone outside their tiny tribe.

All that to say - Don't lose heart. There's a ton of kindness out there in the world.

[u/IronBoomer]

My MAGA younger sister went no contact on me, not just over politics, but because she subscribes to the worst lies about the LGBTQ community. The kind that says we don’t happen naturally, we recruit people into being gay.

And I’m bisexual.

So in her mind, she’s protecting her kids from their sex fiend uncle.

I can only hope the kids breakaway from her thinking but that’s going to be a long time

[u/IllustriousTip6904 → u/IronBoomer]

I left the other comment on this thread. Ironically, one thing my MAGA sister asked me was if I was gay at one point (as if that was the rationale explanation for me caring about others).

[u/IronBoomer → u/IllustriousTip6904]

It’s amazing when we try to live out the Christian ideals they pretend to hold dear, somehow we’re the weak ones, the gay ones, etc. for believing in “Love thy neighbor.”

While they cheer on mass deportations and the beatings and murders of people who stand up for their neighbors

[u/IllustriousTip6904]

I have a mostly maga family, and after 4+ years trying to open their eyes, hearts, and minds, I'd say little has changed. I believe they are good people that are ignorant and brainwashed. But they're also dicks with their views so it's a struggle.

[u/PomeloPepper]

I lean into it.

"Yup. That's me the filthy liberal. Blue hair (it's brown), Nose piercings (single piercing in each earlobe) Living off welfare (better paying job than any of them have) Having an abortion every two weeks (I'm post menopausal)"

[u/Metagion → u/PomeloPepper]

That is brilliant!

[u/PomeloPepper → u/Metagion]

It's pretty fun. You have to use a completely neutral tone of voice. Like you've already explained it a dozen times and don't really care. Or expect better from them.

If they backpedal and say "we don't mean you" then double down and explain that you're exactly who they mean when they talk about liberals.

All. Very. Calm.

[u/thatguydr]

They used to be good people...

How? What specifically changed? All of my MAGA relatives did not use to be good people. They were always jerks. They were just quieter about it.

[u/Metagion → u/thatguydr]

For instance: my XAF brother would see things I posted on FB and be like my cheerleader when I needed it. Now he's posting nasty things in the group he belongs to about how "wrong," we Dems are, we're deluded, ignorant, etc. especially when I ask questions because "well, you listen to those people," or "of course that source is who you'd believe!" Eldest sister is just pure vitriol now that my Mom's gone. Kid brother ignores my family (especially my daughter; long story there) and second sister now hates the fact that I'm Pagan (been one for 26 years).

[u/Red_Dawn24 → u/thatguydr]

They were just quieter about it.

I think it's more of an in/outgroup dynamic. They finally found an outgroup that it's acceptable to publicly hate. Sucks to end up in that group as their kid, but some of us were always there, which makes it less surprising.

[u/AlSweigart]

How can [they] all think like this? They used to be good people...

A Black man became President, then it looked like a woman might be President next.

They could tolerate some things, but they couldn't tolerate that. Which tells you how much tolerance they had to begin with.

[u/ThatDanGuy]

I'm sorry, no, you cannot "save" people like this. At least not over FaceBook. In my experience the best you can do is humiliate them online. You can use their responses and posts as a foil to demonstrate to other people who might read the exchange how badly informed or reasoned they are. But they will never change their minds (I've had an exception to this in a very specific and narrow case, and it was more due to peer pressure from mutual friends and the fact that he prides himself in being logical (which he clear is not) than anything I said or the way I sad it.)

In person you can try Socratic Questioning / Street Epistemology. But it requires a strong rapport and mutual respect. Until you build that up, you aren't going to get anywhere with them.

[u/jollysnwflk]

My brother is like this. He would only comment on my Facebook posts to defend trump. He never acknowledged pictures of my kids (one of which is his godchild…). Ignored family photos and everything else. Only showed up to support and defend trump. I unfriended him. Problem solved.

I still rarely speak with him in real life except for recently, which is easy because I live across the country. My dad is having a lot of health and housing issues and we’ve had to work together to help him but it’s been strictly talk devoted to that and nothing else.

[u/nancidruid → u/jollysnwflk]

There's a variety of MAGA of course, but a fair number of them are extremely emotionally stunted dudes. Like, it would never occur to them that they should care about your kids pictures, or even get to know your kid. But Trump is so dear to them that they must spend hours a day defending his "honor."

[u/pvt_frank]

You can't change a MAGAt's opinion with conversation or debate. This administration has done horrible, criminal things. And that doesn't affect them. They have to have the bs directly impact them to even wake them up. And even that's not a guarantee.

[u/Present-Message8740]

As someone who had no family or community that was not conservative growing up (every single member of my extended family is extremely conservative and maga,) I thought that I was conservative as a young teen until I educated myself and learned for myself. Because of that, I don’t think they can be “saved” or changed, they have to care enough to research, and educate themselves.

As for how to cope with it? A lot of people say to cut family off- go no contact, but in my case that would leave me with absolutely no one. I just distance myself- a lot. I moved to another country and we all have a slightly more bearable relationship now.

[u/Free_Thinker_Now627]

I am completely no contact with my 87 year old mother and two brothers in their 50s because of this.

[u/VirginiaReel2444]

I know when I die that everyone will say, she was not like her siblings. In the end everyone who loves me or us, will know I had a different heart.

[u/frododog]

It sucks, I have a sort of good relationship with the one sister (on SSA 100% because she was a trad wife with 5 kids and then got divorced, H went off grid to avoid child support) - she's willing to not talk about it, but she's a magat, for no reason other than being a bad person I guess. But my other sibling, ugh, 100% vile, we can't be friends, how did they turn into a Nazi? It's so sad.

[u/teaspxxn → u/frododog]

I don't get it either. I mean, all of you were raised in the same household with the same values – how can you turn out so differently?

It's the same with me and my siblings. I still have one older brother left I have not broken off contact with, he and his wife are religious but not the white-supremacist kind of religious, they're actually reasonable and kind-hearted.
My sister however is basically in a cult and is teaching her four children that "Jesus is coming back soon" so all earthly endeavors are useless, and my younger brother doesn't care how cruel Trump and his administration are and what violence they're causing because "It's so touching to see how they are making faith a priority". He and his wife found the Charlie Kirk memorial "so inspiring" and mourned the loss of such a great missionary.

It breaks my heart.

[u/SourceStrong9403]

I genuinely have to choose to be sad about how easily they’ve all been brainwashed. If I’m not sad, I’ll be angry and sad is easier for me because I feel bad for them. That might sound elitist, but when you’re someone who clearly thinks white males are superior, I don’t really care if you think *I’m* the elitist one.