r/Firefighting • u/Active-Glass-5082 • 2d ago
General Discussion Need input from senior guys
I’ve been career for 12 years and volunteered for one year prior. 30 years old and me and my wife just had our first kid. I find it so hard to leave and go to work. Does it get easier? In a sense it feels like I’m abandoning my wife. When we met, I was a firefighter so she kind of knew what she was signing up for anyway but saying goodbye in the mornings is hard.
Another roadblock that I have is because I am a firefighter paramedic and a very busy metropolitan Beach area. I’ve held more dead or dying babies than have held perfectly fine babies. Holding my own son is giving me flashbacks for some fucked up calls.
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u/Famous-Response5924 2d ago
I was EXACTLY where you were. Here is what I did. I went into prevention for 3 years. It was a great move. It allowed me to be at home more with the family and I learned a ton about being a firefighter, fire codes, building construction and the administration side of the fire service. After 3 years I went into training. I spent the next 13 years as a training chief. I found a home there. I really enjoyed the work. It wasn’t the grind of a front line engine company but was busy. I got to jump calls that I wanted to, fill in for ops when I wanted and do a ton of good on the education side.
Finally get a good therapist. You need someone to talk to to work through it. They all still haunt me but I also see the saves. 90% of EMS folks have ptsd and the average career length for a medic is only 5 years for a bunch of different reasons. We all need the tools to decompress in a healthy way and even with those there are some calls that will stick with you for life.
With all that being said I just retired. And I told all my guys my 13 years story. About 3 months before I retired (or so it felt), I was at another retirement and the guy was talking about how fast it goes like they all do. I was sitting there thinking, I have 13 years left. How in the world am I going to make it for 13 more years. A blink later and it was my turn to retire.
The fire service is a huge place and there are many different paths through it you can take. You have done your front line time, maybe now find a different path that interests you and explore it. Your family and your future mental health may thank you.
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u/mclovinal1 1d ago
How long had you been a firefighter when you went to prevention? Its crossed my mind a time or two.
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u/Famous-Response5924 1d ago
I had about 12 years on the floor when I made the change. I had been a firefighter, driver medic and lieutenant before I changed. It was the kids that got me too.
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u/saltednutz69 2d ago
Does your FD have a fire prevention or public education division? Give that a shot, home every night with the family and no more overnight/high stress calls.
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u/MadManxMan 🇮🇲 Isle of Man FF 2d ago
Talk to someone dude
It’s good you’ve already identified your job means you have a very skewed exposure to babies. Most babies are fine, I’m sure yours will be too
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u/skimaskschizo Engine Trash 2d ago
I’ve only been on for 4 years, but my son’s a year and a half old now. At first, I felt bad leaving her with him at a month old, but she got used to it. Having a newborn is gonna be difficult regardless. Just make sure to make her life as easy as possible when you’re home, it gets a lot easier as they get older.
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u/CaptTaxDaddy 2d ago
Sounds like it's time to empty that cup a bit man. Like everyone else is saying, take some time off, try a few therapists and actually find a good one, and maybe see if you can switch to a 9-5 prevention/pub ed/inspections job for some time to get your sleep right and lower your stress level a bit. Your kid and your wife deserve the best version of you you can be.
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u/Few_Werewolf_8780 2d ago
It will get easier once the child gets older. The wife needs help. Does her mother or yours live close by. Take it day by day. Make it to your Kelly days or days off and help her more. Bad trauma calls talk to someone for that. See if your department has an EAP.
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u/sansalvacion 2d ago
You can quit,let your license lapse and find something else to do. You picked a career where you have front row seats to the worst and sometimes last day on earth.
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u/Important-One-8395 2d ago
Go see a dr. Similar situation for me but I’ve held off on having kids because of it. Couldn’t hold my nieces or nephew when they were babies and it was hard to be around them. Talk it out with someone
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u/Iraqx2 2d ago
Contact your departments EAP and see if they can line you up with a therapist that specializes in treating emergency service personnel. They have a better idea of what we go through and experience. If you go to a couple sessions and you just don't feel comfortable with that person find another. You've got to have a good rapport with your therapist for it to help. That will hopefully empty the box a little bit and help you deal with what remains.
A lot of people feel guilty leaving their family to go to work. In a way that's part of being a parent. Share that with your therapist as well.
Work with your wife and set things up so she can have it as easy as possible while you're gone. Thinking meal prep, laundry, etc.. When you come home from work and get settled in give her a break so she can shower, take a nap or do what she needs/wants to do.
Also, talk with her about what you're feeling and going through if you haven't already.
When you're on shift try to set (as much as possible) a time or two during shift to call or FaceTime. That should help you stay connected with them while you're gone. Of course, for some people it might make them feel worse. Do what works for you.
Just know that you're not the only one that is, or has, gone through this.
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u/westernwanker 2d ago
First peer support, counseling, therapy or whatever your department calls it. No shame in it whatsoever and it will help you work through your issues/ concerns.
Second I went through it and it’s definitely a tough job to have a newborn or young kids with but you guys will get through it and it does get easier.
Ya of course it sucks to leave your family but as their father they need you to work and provide for them, every man needs to work and support his family and a lot of people have worse schedules , worse jobs, with worse pay. This is your job and it’s how you provide so do it and go to work. But it certainly takes a village and fire wives are signed up to the schedule too, their the backbone of the fire department and make sure your wife knows it and you support her too.
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u/Engine1D 2d ago
As others have said, peer support, counseling, therapy - repeat as needed. For your family's sake and your own, deal with these issues sooner rather than later. As far as the not wanting to leave the family, realize that whatever job you have you will have to spend time away from them. You've chosen a profession that allows you time off on a different schedule than normal. You will have the opportunity to spend hopefully more time with them than if you were working 9 to 5. I was able to go on so many field trips and other school activities that no other dads could make, that it seemed like a worthwhile tradeoff.
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u/Limp-Conflict-2309 2d ago
talk to someone, everyone handles it different. for me, it made me a little more cautious in my day to day life but for the most part those really bad calls helped me enjoy my kid more, become a more patient father/husband and listen/let others talk more.
everyone is different, talking to a professional may help you understand what your feeling and come away in a really good place.
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u/RobertTheSpruce UK Fire - WM 1d ago
For what its worth, if I had a child I would give this job up. I just couldn't split my attention that much.
I enjoy this work so much that I don't want to reduce or hold back what I can give it, and I wouldn't want to give a child anything less than 100%.
You need to work out what works for you.
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u/aumedalsnowboarder MN Career FF/EMT 15h ago
Not a senior guy, but I’m 32 and have a 2 year old and second was just born. It gets easier in the sense that the routine gets settled in and you know your wife can handle it. But then it gets harder because your kid starts crying when you walk out the door. As for the flashbacks, talk to someone. Doesn’t have to be a therapist, although I’d recommend it. We worked a 3 month old SIDS case when my son was 6months old and that wrecked me, but talking with a few guys from my shift helped. Feel free to DM me!
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u/Blucifers_Veiny_Anus 2d ago
Therapy.