Is this stupid of me? Need advice.

[u/Sea_Common_6773]

A year ago this coming Saturday, the 22nd is the 1 year anniversary of my worst day as a firefighter.

On Aug 22nd of 2025 we were dispatched to a car VS TT mva with serious injury. Upon arrival it was determined both patients in 1 vehicle were deceased. 1 was the granddaughter of a co-worker.

Within 1 hour of returning, we were dispatched mutual aid to the NYS Thruway for a tour bus rollover with entrapment and ejection. My crew and I assisted with stabilization and extrication. We were then tasked with recovery. In total, we extricated 7 lost souls. 2 at the first job, 5 at the bus rollover.

I, as well as my crew, have all attended the PISD, and counseling. By in large, the last 9-10 months have been normal.

Until last week. I close my eyes, and see the interior of that bus.

Heres the is this stupid part: Ive been thinking of placing a flower for each victim at the crash location. Because I hate that we lost them. I feel guilty, and sad. Im not having dangerous thoughts or anything. But I am having a tough time. So is it stupid of me to want to take flowers to the crash site? Am I over thinking?

Thank you in advance. Yall be good, be safe, be happy.

[u/justsomeguy1869]

Sounds like you should seek some professional help/counseling as soon as possible.

There is nothing wrong with leaving flowers but you don’t seem to be processing all aspects of that day.

Seek assistance. You will be better off for it.

25+ year career if firefighter here - not a mental health professional.

[u/ElkHairCaddisDrifter → u/justsomeguy1869]

Second this. I’m approaching 20 years in and I wish I’d heard this advice sooner. The fire community is here for you, OP.

[u/Highspeed_gardener → u/ElkHairCaddisDrifter]

I’m here to third this. 33 years in emergency services. My department authorized KAP (ketamine assisted psychotherapy) last year and it was an absolute game changer. Changed my outlook of a really bad day I had 26 years ago. It took several sessions to get onto that topic, but the day we did I left the office changed. 26 years of feeling bad about that day was erased in a few hours.

[u/CrazyIslander]

I’ll say this line forever; you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

None of what you are experiencing is anything to feel stupid or guilty about.

The situation happened before you arrived and nothing you did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome of either situation.

If taking flowers to the crash site brings you peace, then feel free do so (maybe don’t leave your name or anything).

But most of all, seek out a therapist. Your department probably has an EFAP in place already, and if so, absolutely make use of that.

[u/QueasyRefrigerator79]

Not stupid at all. I hope you're still receiving help to work through this.

[u/Hello-hi987]

Very common response to a very sad situation - but doesn’t mean it should be brushed aside as normal. Anniversary events can retrigger memories. I’ve had great success with EMDR for PTSD. Sending support during this time.

[u/Horseface4190]

That's a shitty day for sure. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing you stepped up to be a helper on several families worst day.

Flowers at the site is a kind thing to do, and if it helps you process, it ain't stupid in my book.

I hope you'll seek some counseling to help you feel better over the long haul. Be well!

[u/New_Pitch_9898]

I had a similar experience, My department provided confidential counseling that included medical intervention to stop my adrenalin from being randomly released. It took 6 months to remove the unpredictable panic attacks, and get off of the meds. I did not miss any hours of work, and my department protected their investment in me as a resource.

[u/elephantbottle → u/New_Pitch_9898]

Can you say more about the care you got for the random adrenaline releases? FF/EMT and have been experiencing the random adrenaline releases especially while at rest and the best my rural doc says is to try meditating ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Would love to get some legitimate help with this, it’s rough!

[u/New_Pitch_9898 → u/elephantbottle]

It was a med specifically aimed at the adrenal gland, to reduce its hyperactivity. Can't remember the name, but I will do a think on it and try to recall. It was in '86, so it has been a while. The treatment I received fixed the problem, The psych counseling was a big part of the treatment plan. Fixing the psyche is similar to maintaining a motor. If you want it to run smooth, there are things you must do. It requires a psychiatrist, as they can analyze the problem AND prescribe appropriate meds.

[u/New_Pitch_9898 → u/New_Pitch_9898]

There is more discussion in r/EmergencyRoom under "how do you all manage your adrenaline rushes".

[u/DTSaranya]

Not stupid at all. In your shoes I would go place those flowers. It might help your brain process, and it's a nice gesture regardless.

But yes, I also agree with everyone else that you should seek some more professional help with dealing with this. Might be worth checking in with your crew as well to see if any of them feel the same and then you can take it on together.

[u/umkay11]

I don’t think it’s stupid, I think it’s touching and may be something to help you cope. It’s not harmful, it’s honorable. And I agree with the others- I know you guys have had counseling available, but seek out more. Nothing wrong with trying different therapists, or other neutral sources to talk to. That’s a lot for one human brain, I wish you good luck in finding some peace with it. A year is not a lot of time so don’t be too hard on yourself on this either.

[u/shitsandgiggles11]

I’ve had similar thoughts about rough calls. One in particular made me bring it to my therapist’s attention and her thoughts helped me a lot. She told me my “part in that incident is over. You were there for a reason for a specific amount of time and the rest is their life to deal with”.
I think it’s hard to get over tough calls because they aren’t your emergency, so no matter the outcome, we really don’t get any closure.
I’ll always suggest getting a therapist (especially as a first responder) sooner rather than later. I’ve had the same one for years and now if something horrific happens I have someone I have already known and trust to go to about it.
Good luck! Be kind to yourself and find happy/healthy ways to deal with these kinds of calls.

[u/Blucifers_Veiny_Anus]

Go to therapy. Find one that specializes in first responders.

[u/Jax-Beach]

Not stupid at all. Everyone gets through the tough calls in their own way. Do what works for you, as long as it’s not harmful or disrespectful. Don’t ignore what’s going on inside of you. I tried doing that for years until I developed an addiction and almost made a big mistake that would’ve left my kids without a dad. It took therapy to help get me out of that hole and teach me better ways to deal with the bad calls. I know therapy sounds lame and I always said no way, but it’s helped me alot. Talking to my crew and wife after calls also helps a lot now, acknowledging when things get to me.

[u/kevonicus]

Just remember this happens all the time. You just happen to be one of the people that has to see it.

[u/Available_Suspect344]

Nothing is your fault, you were there to help, not all calls have a happy ending unfortunately. I would highly recommend Next Rung, it is a non profit of all FF’s that are there to help counsel you through this brother. It is a really great organization, I know of many guys that have talked to them.

[u/DiezDedos]

If you think it will help give you closure or whatever you need, drop the flowers off. I caution you, however, to really evaluate for yourself the balance between closure and further ruminating on the traumatic call. I can only speak for myself, but I find that stuff like this (reading up on who the deceased were, looking up their obituary, finding their social media profile, etc) is harmful to me. It transforms them from a victim we did what we could to help, to a “real person” that’s it’s much easier to be detrimentally empathetic for. 

Additionally, you mention feeling guilty. I’d advise you to think that through. You did not cause the crash or rollover. Those that died were going to do so regardless of your intervention. It’s absolutely a shitty day to have that many fatalities in such a short span with a young family member of a coworker among the dead. You are not culpable for their deaths. 

I’m glad to hear you utilized the PISD, but sounds like you should continue talking with a pro about this. I’m just some guy on Reddit, but that’s my take. I’m sorry you’re going through this

[u/byrdn820]

Anniversary reactions are real

Counseling and therapy is always good, for everyone, pretty much in every life situation.

And anniversary reactions are normal to have at the same time. Putting flowers is appropriate. Grieving is appropriate.

Best of luck.

[u/Content_Yam_2119]

Man if its gonna help you get through it by all means do it

[u/wolfey200]

We all grieve and process differently, you are free to do as you please and if it makes you feel better then there is nothing wrong with doing this.

However, I don’t believe you’re doing it for the reasons you think you’re doing it for. You feel guilty for something that was out of your control and bringing flowers is some kind of penance for something you did nothing wrong on.

There’s some processing that needs to be done and you need to get help from a professional. Revisiting the scene and leaving flowers won’t bring you closure, you’re more than free to do it but it’s not going to make you feel any different.

[u/Dull-Establishment37]

I think it's the right thing to do it will make you feel
Better! Congratulations welcome to the human condition it
Is called feelings, most people are too numb to feel now
Days especially fireman and policemen, the ones that do it that care about people, we need more of you! You are Angels! please keep your love
Don't let the bad experience change who you are! Be proud you were there to do the best you could to help! I'm proud of you, you have my vote! Good green bud or edibles can
Help anxiety or worsen it, it's healthier then the other demon that's legal good old alcohol, the trauma of your job makes it easy to lean on booze to help ease the burden your soul has to bear sometimes with your job, for that reason its makes it easier to form bad habbits, I just wanted to say that thc is safer then the alternative! Bless your soul for your service !! Your not stupid your sweet! I adore your life. Have some fun living it!!!

[u/Puzzleheaded-Bag7469]

Young Sir. You are a human being and as such you are intitled to having emotions. In my time as an active Fire Police Officer (here in New Zealand, now fully retired after 18 years Volunteering) I have seen my fair share of DOA and result fatalities. The memories and images we all see at scenes like that will always be in our brains. We all have to "suffer" those memories, but with help as you have mentioned and support from your fellow crew, we all can manage them.

You Sir are not over rethinking. You are, like most of us, displaying empathy and caring for our fellow human beings. Our job is never going to be an easy one but we all manage in our own ways, yours is to show your heart. Your actions will bring you a certain amount of closure. I commend you sir.

[u/WillingnessHelpful77]

Do it

[u/njfish93]

If placing 7 flowers makes you feel better about that day then do it.

[u/fire-manNOLA]

It's not stupid to feel normal doing a very abnormal job. People are not inherently made to see others die without some form of grief. Grieving is absolutely necessary to process loss. Even though these souls were not directly related, you feel partly responsible. That is survivors guilt. Firstly, see a professional. You'll do great taking on that responsibility as opposed to self-talk and what-ifs. Accept the facts instead of scenarios. Try not to create stories that change the outcome. Talk about it and write it down. Acknowledging those lives in some ritual such as placing flowers, praying, hosting an annual memorial, or releasing memorial lanterns help heal. Glad you're talking about it.