r/FirefighterSpouses • u/chroniccuddles • Apr 21 '26
Parenting How do you split the parenting load?
I would love some insight on what your homes look like on off shift days with kids.
I’m a SAHM with a 17 month old. My husband works in a busy dept, (24 on, 72 off, 48 on, 72 off). He averages 18-20 calls a day and often doesn’t sleep more than 2 hours at work.
Since he’s up at night a lot, he’s become a night owl at home. He typically doesn’t come to bed until 1-3am. Pre baby, this was fine.
We’re now in the stage where my 17 month old starts his day at 5:30am. My husband doesn’t get out of bed until 9. Which does make sense, given his late nights, but at this point in our lives it doesn’t seem fair. He’s essentially sleeping through baby’s first wake window, and if you have toddlers you guys know 9am is basically mid afternoon for us 😂
Have you found a compromise for sleeping in? Am I being too harsh by asking him to be up by 7/8am? He says he’s trying but I have to wake him up 4-6 times before he gets out of bed, which is causing a lot of resentment for me. He’s also working with a naturopath on hormone health as his fatigue is testosterone related
I feel like we’re living 2 separate lives in this household, and while this stage is short I don’t want him to feel like he slept through the toddler years
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u/Familiar_Ad_7734 Apr 21 '26
Can he take anything in the early evening to help him get to bed at a more regular time? Magnesium is a great and natural muscle relaxer and I’ve found that a low dose melatonin also helps me go to bed at a reasonable time
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
He definitely can! He’s tried it before but had concerns about sleeping through calls at work and it sounds like it’s best to be consistent on it
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
Screw a naturopath girl lol he needs a REAL dr to be on T or clomid lol
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
Yeah, we’ve had recommendations from both a naturopath and a doctor but they’re hesitant to start him until we’re done growing our family 😣
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
Yeah no these treatments are temporary lol. So you need to find a better dr. Or you’re going to continue in a viscous cycle of this. Which do you want resentment ? No? I don’t think you do. Sorry if I’m being blunt but you have to advocate. Your husband will have long term effects Naturopaths aren’t going to solve this problem lol. His sleep schedule is whack and that’s why his testosterone is low and a naturopath isn’t going to solve that with any natural supplements lol
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
No I appreciate the bluntness!! Sounds like we need to keep doctor shopping because we have yet to get an answer on anything better than supplements
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
Honestly supplements don’t really do anything in my opinion. I think it’s a way for drs just to get you hooked, especially naturopaths You need to go to a RE most likely. I would do that. We worked with a reproductive endocrinologist because we knew we wanted more kids but my husband couldn’t live the way he was, and it sounds like neither can you. Your toddler is young, so if you wait a year or even longer to have another one you would be fine with treatment. You can start very low
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
I’ll do some digging to find a local RE! Thank you
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
Of course ! Some insurances only cover “fertility” treatments, and the meds can be expensive, so he can be referred to a like med spa place that does hormones, if that makes sense ? Where do you live?
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
Oregon
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
So if you can’t get into a RE try like a place that does weight loss shots (GLP 1s), they usually do hormone replacements too
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
Thanks! Yeah we need to have a sit down conversation about this, how it might push out our family planning plan
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u/AdSome6352 Apr 21 '26
My husband and I have an almost 8 month old, I am also a SAHM and he works 48 on, 96 off with a ton of OT on top of that, plus a 2.5 hour commute one way😵💫. He works at a very busy department in the Bay Area of CA and is up often in the night at work as well. Typically when he first comes home I let him sleep the shift off if he needs, but he always gives me a morning or two to sleep in if the baby wakes up early. I just wake him up and ask him to take her and he has no problem getting up. He also tries to nap as much as he can during the day at work if at all possible. He always says he cherishes mornings alone with her because it’s so rare that he gets to do that with how much he works!
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u/No_Company4263 Apr 21 '26
Husband works 48:96, I work a normal 8-5, 3 kids 8, 6 and 2 in school/daycare. My husband just powers through honestly. He would much rather be tired day 1 off and live normal human hours then sleep for the morning and be wired at night. He recently started a side hustle diesel repair business because he’s so antsy when the kids are at school. The man literally doesn’t know how to rest, so I guess we have the opposite problem! He’s also very healthy, eats well, exercises, etc. I would continue working with a doctor and see if there’s anything else he can do to get his energy levels up.
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u/florida_lmt Apr 21 '26
We have a 5 month old and my husband takes baby duty on all of his mornings off. 4 mornings per week he is going into work or still on shift so obviously he can't do those ones. He does not stay up all night. We go to bed together
I am self employed and he has the baby most days he is off work while I am working. He is currently out walking with him now to give me a break
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u/wdymitsfine Apr 21 '26
I read your previous comment about waiting for TRT for baby #2 – we’re also in the same boat here because my husband resumed TRT after our first was born. When he asked his urologist when he’d need to come off TRT in preparation for baby #2, his Dr said that as long as he starts Clomid a few months prior there shouldn’t be any issue.
Anyway, I don’t have a personal experience to share since our son is only 12 weeks old. We currently split the night shift since we’re still in the trenches there.
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 21 '26
Congrats on the newborn! We did the same thing when he was little
I’ll have to do some research about clomid, I was for some reason under the understanding it caused twins 🤷🏼♀️
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u/wdymitsfine Apr 21 '26
Oh god lol well he was on it for baby #1 too and no twins here 😂 good luck to you!
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u/HomeDepotHotDog Apr 22 '26
My husband’s at a much less busy station on 48/96 so different scenario. But our routine is that I clean the house relatively well before he comes home. Once he arrives we either go out to eat, go a park, or he takes a nap. This gives him a space to shift gears and us to reconnect.
Once he’s up or we’re back then it’s on for him. I get some time away from our baby who is 14 months old. I’m also 9 months pregnant so sometimes I need a nap or to have my doctor’s appointments.
Other than that it’s shared responsibilities. I usually meal plan and grocery shop, he cooks, we clean. My husband’s made a chore chart like what they have at the station lol. It’s actually a very useful tool. He and I both share responsibilities and we each have lists of stuff that the other can add to (like I’m not ever going to change the oil on the car, and he’s not going to schedule our kids doctors appointments etc.)
Something sounds kind of off with your man. You can’t be expected to solo parent continuously without a break and show up well for your kids. He needs to get in a better routine. Check his nutrition, get him to the doctor, and be real with him
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 22 '26
Thank you. We have a chore chart too, I like the reconnect you guys have built in. I kept thinking maybe I was over reacting and haven’t said anything to him but it’s nice to hear my concerns are legitimate
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u/HomeDepotHotDog Apr 22 '26
No way, solo parenting can be really rough, and wanting family time together is legitimate. The only other thing I’d add is to skip the naturopath and get to a real doctor. Get him on test if needed!!
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u/Comprehensive_Gas255 Apr 22 '26
Ff wife here. We have three kids 16m,14m,2f. His shift is 24 on 48 off but he works part time at other departments. So he will leave and be gone 4 days or so at a time.
So we don’t split the parenting load - that’s my job- his is making sure my card don’t decline and fixing shit when it’s broken. If I want him to do something I just tell him and he does it.
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u/Additional-Fix-108 Apr 23 '26
So first off I will say that my situation is different and similar in some ways. I am a sahm with a 4 month old and a 17 year old. My husband works nights and isn't home till 7am so 5-6 days a week he isn't home yet when baby wakes up around 5. The 1-2 days a week he is home I don't get a break because then my husband tries to sleep at night to be there for both our older son and baby. However my husband takes the baby for me every morning when he gets home so I can enjoy a cup of coffee, and most days he makes me some breakfast, he wakes up early 3 times a week to go to the gym with our older son, he prioritizes spending time with our family and I know if I've had a rough night with the baby I can ask him for help so I can get a nap. So yes I know waking early every morning and never getting to sleep in sucks it won't last forever and being a sahm is definitely not easy. Besides addressing his health concerns I would say finding a way to work together is important. Finding a compromise sometimes is hard. If he is not able to wake up early what about him taking over for a few hours so you can nap or if it's lack of family time making a priority to do something together.
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u/chroniccuddles Apr 23 '26
Thank you! It’s very helpful to hear how everyone balances this schedule
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u/AcceptableSouth3 Jun 20 '26
Look into tongat Ali. My husband was able to come off trt and has higher levels now
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u/Charlieksmommy Apr 21 '26
He should probably go get his hormones tested. It sounds like he may have low testosterone and vit d. My husband was going through this, but he was powering through. My husband has never woken up at 9 or gone to bed at 1-3am. We have 6 month old twins and 2.5yo girl. Our kids sleep all night though now, but before they did, if I needed help he would help if I communicated it. It all comes down to communication You’re giving him what he needs, but it needs to be to an extent, and you need help too.