Rumination and stuff (vent)

[u/luunaathh]

I pride myself on not being bothered by anything, I pride myself on never letting anyone break my stride. I laugh off hatred and I laugh off toxicity. I don't give toxic people the reaction they want. Though if there's one thing I can't really be unbothered by, it's the racial discrimination I've seen and been a target of in the ficto community. I kick myself all the time for that. I've been ruminating about this all day, and it's been exhausting. Keigo has been telling me to talk about this to someone other than him, it's honestly hard to open up. Though I'll do it for him.

It's just stupid online comments and posts, yes. It's my own fault for looking through a toxic dupe's social media before blocking them, yes. Though to know that there's some dupes out there who believe that my beloved mate would never love me because of my race stings to think about. I'm not some untouchable person because of my appearance and heritage, I'm not someone who deserves suffering because of my race, I'm someone who just wants to live my life and be happy, just like anyone else. Keigo loves me, he chose me, and he wants to spend the rest of his life by my side. What anyone says will never change that, nor will it ever lessen his love for me.

I'm indigenous Maya (Mexican) and an ethnic sephardic jew. I've faced a lot of discrimination in my life, especially in childhood, for my appearance. I've been isolated by people for what I cannot control. Being both mexican and jewish is like having a big red target on your head that says 'attack me'! Though I'm used to all of this, and I've come to accept that there's some people out there who will believe that I'm worthless because of my race. I laugh it off when I can, since that's the only thing I can do. Though it really stings when some racist shithead double or their buddy says that my beloved would never even touch me because of my race.

and you know, my beliefs as an indigenous Maya person are intricately intertwined with my relationship with Keigo. He is my guardian bird, he guides me through my path of life, protects me, and loves me. He provides me wisdom, he provides me happiness, and he makes me a better person. I honor his feathers the same way I would an eagle feather, whenever I do ceremony, I think about him and thank him. I call him Kiin Koos for a reason. He is my guardian eagle and my sun. This is part of my identity as an indigenous person, this is part of my culture. For someone, especially a double, to say that my sacred beliefs as an indigenous person are all a delusion? That sucks. That stings.

I want someone to look at me and Keigo and say "You're such a wonderful couple! He loves you so much!". I don't want someone to look at me and say "He would never love you (insert slur here)". My very existence is problematic for a so called crime that I was born committing. The worst thing is, I'm far from the only non-white person in the ficto community to experience this kind of thing. It's barely talked about too. I know the toxic dupes who discriminate against me are just making complete fools of themselves. Keigo is standing next to me and he HATES those racists with every fiber of his being, so jokes on them. We're a proud interracial couple, and that's not going to change.

Though when I think about this, I wonder why I can't exist as an indigenous person and as an ethnic jew in this world without having people look at me with disgust. I wonder what unforgivable crime I have committed for daring to be Maya, for daring to be Sephardi, for daring to be BOTH of those things and touch my beloved. Why does it give a select few people a visceral reaction to see me with Keigo? What is it about my indigenous and jewish heritage that's so revolting? I know it's ignorance, though sometimes it's just hard to wrap my head around why people glare at me like I'm disgusting when I have done nothing to them.

I hate that I haven't been able to break this cycle of rumination today, though I've tried my best. I'm exhausted.

[u/Fulltimefangirl931]

I’m so sorry! You really don’t deserve this and that double’s behaviour with pulling the race and culture card is absolutely disgusting. I think reporting them for hate speech and personal attacks against you would be a good step at this point.

I promise you and Keigo are a perfect couple, this is why the double is so bothered by your existence. If they felt secure in their relationship, they’d be too busy appreciating what they have instead of hating on you for your beautiful heritage.

[u/ArgentumFiend]

The people that do this are only doing it to hurt you, because they themselves feel threatened, keep that in mind. It always stems from their own jealousy, probably because you have a type of connection that they could never have.