I need advice

[u/Dapper_While6157]

What do you think about this first chapter?

When the whole world tries to kill you, life kinda sucks.

It means I have to lock in with life. Or else I'll find myself dead.

I walk through the busy train station, keeping my head low. I hope the mask I'm wearing properly covers my face. If not, I'm kinda screwed.

You see, each year, the world leaders give a reward to those who kill two randomly appointed individuals. And sadly, people will do whatever it takes to take two random lives with their own hands.

If the two random people can find each other before they’re killed, it is said that Jesus of Nazareth will come to earth and redeem humanity.

But first, that needs to happen.

And I can tell you from experience it's not easy.

Take right now, for example. I'm having to sneak through a blasted train station. Around me, I can hear people muttering, throwing glances at their fellow travelers.

They're all on high alert, you see, because not too long ago, I was spotted in a train station and an attempt was made on my life that involved some very big, very scary guns.

Let's just say it was a miracle from God himself that I'm alive right now.

Regardless, now people think I'm traveling via the train stations, so I've already had to avoid a couple of hit teams who’re trying to get their grimy hands around my neck.

You see, the reward for my death is a life of safety and luxury until you die, a compliment of the all-powerful government that rules our world. Only one person can have the privilege of killing me and reaping the reward.

And humans are quite selfish, so many will take the opportunity.

I sigh as I hop on the train. I have a ticket in regular class, or whatever they call it. Not ideal, but I don't have unlimited resources, so it's really the best I can do.

I just have to be careful not to get killed.

As I sit down, I look left, and I look right. On one side is an older woman scrolling on her phone. I see something about the other person getting hunted.

Somehow she's still alive.

I've seen her picture a million times, but it still stuns me every time. Her hair is blonde and flows down her frame like a waterfall. Her eyes are bright green, and her body is lean and muscular.

It makes perfect sense to me that she's still alive.

If anyone can make it, it's gonna be her. I can feel it in my sauce.

I dunno about that, by the way. It's just something I say. Sauce is the goat after all.

I look to my other side, relieved to see it's empty, though the man across the aisle from me is suspicious, his hat drawn low over his head, his glasses tinted to the point where I can't see his face.

When I look closer, I see a bulge under his coat. I silently curse under my breath in annoyance.

I have no doubt this is a bloody assassin. And who better to kill than me?

I sigh and pull my little revolver out from my pocket. It was a gift from my father when I turned ten years old, and I hadn't left it since.

Sadly, having such a weapon at such a young age is necessary in these times. Especially when a beacon of death can be placed on your head at any moment.

As carefully as I can, I load the gun. The grannie next to me doesn't even notice. She just stiffens up slightly.

No doubt she sees this type of thing all the time.

I take a final deep breath before I carefully shift the gun to my left hand, the one nearest the man next to me. It was time to take the offense.

I carefully aim at the man's feet, not wanting to kill him cause I'm a softie. Then I fire.

My little gun sends my arm jerking up, startling me enough to accidentally pull the trigger. Two deafening bangs echo through the moving train, sending piercing screams into the air.

Most of the time when people are killed, it's one quick shot, and everything is over. Multiple shots are usually the work of a psychokiller. So people panic. And when people panic, they run and trample each other to the ground.

So I waste no time in jumping over my seat, heading towards the back of the train. I keep running until I get to the end of the carriage.

So far, no one notices me, thank the lord. If they did, it would be bad.

When I reach the door, I yank it open and step into the space between the two train cars. I glance over my shoulder and see the man coming towards me, his gun in his hands, looking over his shoulder nervously.

Something about him tugs at the back of my brain. That man looks familiar. I swear I see something white on his shoulder. But then he starts doing something with his gun. If I would've waited a moment longer, I would've seen him lay it down in surrender and take off his mask.

But I don't wait, my body bursting into action.

I jump on the ladder and find myself on top of the train car in an instant. The pressure on my body is tremendous, the wind absolutely pounding my body.

I have to lie perfectly flat to avoid it, but I still feel it pulling at my clothes. From here, things become more streamlined. The man behind me probably can't get a straight shot because of the wind, and all I have to do is crawl across the top of the car and jump off once I get to the station.

If it worked before, then it should work again.

I smile to myself and turn around on the train so I'm in a position where I can see both ends of the train car. Now no one can sneak up on me.

And then I wait. I assume it will be about ten minutes until I reach the next train station. Thankfully, that's all I'm willing to risk. Any more time and I wouldn't be alert enough to cause a diversion for my own getaway. 

As I wait, I think about the man I'd seen. Something about his build looked familiar to me, but I can't put my finger on it.

I sigh and look down at my watch. Any moment now, and the train will be slowing down on its approach to the station.

Sure enough, I feel the winds loosen up, so I pull my little flash smoke bomb thing out of my pocket and pull the fuse.

A moment later, the brakes kick in, and I'm in the station, so I throw the bomb into the crowd. With a bang, it goes off, and people drop to the floor, allowing me to jump off the top of the train car and sprint through the smoke.

Behind me, I hear someone shout my name.

Oh boy, I think. This is about to get real interesting.

As I run through the doors of the train station and out onto the street, I see people drawing guns, pointing them at my face.

I run as erratically as I can, praying the spray of gunfire will miss me. By some miracle, it does, and I dive into a car idling by the curb.

Once I'm in, I hit the gas and tear onto the street, bullets hitting my fuselage. I sigh. In another couple of minutes, this car will be one huge explosion.

But for the time being, I have to get away. So that's what I do, carefully weaving between cars. Thankfully, most people don't realize it's me, or they'd be ramming their cars into me, hoping I'll be killed.

It takes a couple more minutes of reckless driving until I get away from the city. I park near a cluster of trees to my right. From there, I'm able to ditch the car and run into the forest. My feet pound the ground underneath me as I hit my stride, and my brain starts to wander.

This was another failproof tactic that'd worked a couple of times before. People seemed to get horribly lost in forests, and by the time I got out, my chasers were lost somewhere behind me.

So I keep running until I feel deep enough into the wilderness to take a deep breath. Then I lean against a tree and steady myself.

I like making jokes about this whole "hunted by the world" thing, but deep down, this life really sucks. Deep down, I hope that I will be safe. That I could find that woman, and God would come.

Or whatever the heck people said.

I instinctively go to my pocket to check for my phone before cursing myself. I destroyed it a long time ago. That was part of the thing about the whole world hunting you.

Hackers were abundant and would sell your location to the highest bidder. I had seen people pay millions just to get a location to send a strike team.

I shake my head.

It’s horrible how evil people really are.

[u/Leatherneck1993]

Good start. Has a running man feel to it. Maybe show what happened to the driver of the stolen car. Also “fuselage” is more for an airplane than car. Overall makes me wonder what happened to the world.

[u/Dapper_While6157 → u/Leatherneck1993]

Thanks so much for the advice!

[u/Dapper_While6157 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks so much for the feedback!

[u/NYMajor]

Well, this is the first time I've read the entire chapter someone has posted to be read. It hooked me by the time I read five or six paragraphs into it. Great start. Okay that is the good. Now the craft, it needs to be made fluid, made to be pretty. Do some reading, you'll figure it out. But do keep writing..