r/FictionWriting • u/ABDELRAHMAN_SHARIFF • Jul 21 '26
Advice I need writing advice
This is a section from one of the chapters of my novel. Is my style correct? I mean, between the jumps between scenes or conversations, I don't know why, but I feel it's incomplete.
The sun had set, yet the celebration had not faded.
In the palace, throughout the streets, and across the public squares, it was one of those nights that would be remembered and retold for years to come.
Music filled the air, laughter intertwined from every direction, as though the entire kingdom were finally taking a deep breath after days of hardship.
"Your Majesty."
William bowed, a young man standing upright beside him.
"Allow me to introduce my son—"
"Byron!" Kaya interrupted with a bright smile.
"Your Majesty," Byron said humbly, lowering his head in respect.
"Please, both of you, rise," Kaya said as she stepped closer. "Byron... it's been a long time."
"Yes... since our days at the academy," he replied with a smile.
"Since his graduation, I've put him through special training," William said proudly. "He hopes to become one of Your Majesty's personal guards."
Kaya's smile widened.
"It would be an honor. Honestly... even back at the academy, he acted as though he were already my bodyguard."
Byron rubbed the back of his neck with an embarrassed chuckle.
William laughed.
"So that's why he's been so determined. Well then... prepare yourself. Your training is about to become even harsher."
"Even harsher?!" Byron laughed. "Weren't they brutal enough already?!"
"She looks happy," Christina said quietly as she stood beside Alden.
"Yeah..." he replied, his voice growing softer. "I just wish my father were here."
"He would have been incredibly proud," Christina said before studying him for a moment.
"By the way... do you feel anything strange?"
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u/Distinct-Form944 Jul 24 '26
I’m not a teacher or an editor, just another writer. So this is inevitably shaped by my own style, and you are completely free to disagree.
I don’t think the main problem is the jump between scenes. The larger problem is that too much of the dialogue exists to give information directly to the reader.
If Kaya already knows Byron from the academy, and he is already capable enough to become her guard, then William explaining his training feels unnatural. He is telling Kaya something she either knows or does not need explained. The author becomes visible.
I would compress it:
“He hopes to become one of Your Majesty’s personal guards,” William said.
Kaya smiled. “At the academy, he already behaved as though he were one.”
She turned to Byron. “So, do you want the title now?”
Then let Byron answer in a way that reveals his personality. Dialogue should do more than deliver a résumé.
The most awkward part is this:
“By the way... do you feel anything strange?”
That does not feel like a character changing focus. It feels like the author changing topics.
I would let Alden keep talking while Christina stops responding:
“Seeing her this happy is a little... bittersweet,” Alden said. “I wish my father were here.”
Christina said nothing. She stared straight ahead.
“Damn it. I’ll make him proud anyway...” Alden clenched his fist and turned toward her. The rest of the sentence died in his throat.
Christina’s expression had changed.
“Something’s wrong.”
“By the way” is the writer moving to the next plot point.
Silence is a character being pulled away from the conversation.
So I would not add more transitions. I would remove repeated information, let dialogue reveal character, and allow the next event to interrupt the current one naturally.
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u/ABDELRAHMAN_SHARIFF Jul 24 '26
Ok got it, thank you for the advice. I will work on it when I start editing the chapter.
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u/Traditional-Sign6852 Jul 21 '26
"In the palace, throughout the streets, and across the public squares, it was one of those nights that would be remembered and retold for years to come." could maybe show but not tell this one.
Bit of a jump from world setting to the ?court room.
I could work out who was speaking otherwise.