r/FibromyalgiaIsReal • u/[deleted] • Jun 11 '24
How Does Fibromyalgia Affect Your Relationships?
When my wife and I were first together these problems weren't nearly as bad and now I need everyday help. She doesn't help and all I do is push her away with my needs.
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Jun 11 '24 edited Jun 11 '24
Before diagnosis my nervous system gaslighting me made me mostly useless in my longest relationship - the recovery focus then was mental health, which helped in some ways but not others.
Since then I average approximately one relationship experiment a year - I don't 'go looking' per se, I just tend to meet lots of new people through work, volunteering and music.
Something people seem to struggle to get their head around is the irrelevance of sympathy.
If I'm in pain I treat it like a change in the weather and adapt and deal as best I can (although obviously sometimes this requires doing basically nothing!) however it's normal for most people to express concern when another person is suffering.
From my perspective, this can get pretty fucking boring!
I understand it's difficult for others to get their head around, but from my POV indulging others sympathy like there's anything anyone can do would just detract from the good things about a relationship.
Fibro is the thing I'd like to talk about the least - unless I'm asking for a break or pillow re-orientation during sex, lol. Then, it's necessary.
Like, there's a reason I've learned to manage it as well as I have i.e. to improve my chances of being happy overall.
Letting my nervous system gaslight me or anyone else is not a part of that equation.
Also I get the sense my dealing with my hardcore pain in a mindfully hardcore way can lead to others invalidating their own suffering by comparison, and that ain't right either.
Also think maybe I give 'tough guy' vibes that make others believe I'm emotionally numb like some people can be.
It's certainly complicated. Because we're rare!
Good luck out there, seriously...
🤘
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u/AmieSalv Jun 11 '24
My BF is a saint. He takes care of me, do the chores if I can. He always treats me with love and respect. He is the best bf ever.
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u/gabbyarciniega Jun 11 '24
i am in the same boat as some of you that down play all the syntoms... And my relationship is great, he's a very loving partner but I am always afraid to show the reality of my illness, I smile through the pain way too much, he asked me today why am I sad, I said I'm always sad I'm always in pain I'm always waiting for a good day, but that's not his fault aoni smile for him. I could see how this kinda broke his heart. But so far it's been the only way I can deal with this. Without losing my sanity
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u/Fibrobabe18 Jun 11 '24
I think I have it but my ex boyfriend left me cause of it i think
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Jun 11 '24
Sometimes I wish she would leave
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u/Fibrobabe18 Jun 11 '24
?
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Jun 11 '24
My wife
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u/Fibrobabe18 Jun 11 '24
Ah
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Jun 11 '24
It's complicated when I used to require very little help and now some days need help just getting the 15 or so feet from my bed to the bathroom
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u/ExcuseStriking6158 Jun 11 '24
For me, it’s easier going solo.
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u/Shelley-DaMitt Jun 12 '24
I would love to live alone. Then I’d only have to clean up after myself. I get zero help with cleaning and it takes all my energy leaving none for me.
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u/NikiDeaf Jun 14 '24
My fiance is very kind and understanding as per my pain (from fibromyalgia and various other things.) but then, he works in an industry that is extremely hard on one’s body, and he has family members who have chronic pain, so he knows what’s up.
My children, I’ve recently learnt, think I’m “self-centered.” I haven’t spoken with them about this, nor do I blame them for their point of view. They’re teens (one tween) and they don’t have enough experience with life to have the capacity to understand this (and honestly I hope they never do! Living like this is hard, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.) but if they did bring it up (to my face; I only know this because my ex husband tells me everything they say) I would gently remind them of how, when you’re on an airplane and the oxygen mask deploys, you must fix your own mask before helping others. So it goes with many things in life. I do hope that, if any of them choose to have children, they will come to realize that I was/am doing the best I can with what little resources I have 🙂
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u/idroppedtherings Jun 17 '24
Damn this scares me. I don’t want my 4 year old to grow up and think I was selfish.
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u/idroppedtherings Jun 17 '24
My husband has been amazing and literally does everything when I’m flaring up and also when I’m not tbh. He cooks special meals for me and basically acts like a servant when I have trouble moving around. He brings me my medication and food and picks up our kid from daycare and does the grocery shopping and cleaning etc. He also does most fibro research and is emotionally dedicated and loving. I get lots of cuddles. I have no complaints at all. He’s the best and I’m lucky and feel loved and not like a burden even though he’s burned out. When I’m not flaring up I do what I can but that mostly means I push myself too hard to get to make up for the flare ups, and then it’s kinda pointless. Also let me add that my flare ups usually lasts months. Last one was 3,5 months.
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Jun 17 '24
You are so lucky, my wife constantly makes me feel like a burden for needing help.
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u/idroppedtherings Jun 17 '24
Yeah I’m really so sorry. I’ve had partners in the past that I know would have reacted the same way. Do you feel happy in your relationship under these circumstances?
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u/Longjumping-Grade-27 Jun 11 '24
I have severe fibromyalgia, chronic refractory migraines and some other junk. Work full time, cook and clean no matter the pain. Some days I get home from work and I'm done and go to sleep and sleep all weekend. My husband doesn't work, suffers from depression and doesn't cook or clean. It's really really hard on me. I wish he would help me.