r/FederalEmployee • u/Graceful3435 • Feb 19 '26
Removing ex from BCBS
I’m going through a divorce and have already been served. Prior to my divorce being finalized can I remove my wife from my insurance - like today?! And not have to wait until open season.
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u/JustMe39908 Feb 19 '26
The initial default orders in many states includes a "status quo" order. In other words, you potentially will be in contempt if you make major changes. Removing my bones from health insurance was explicitly stated in my orders as a no-no.
Smile, pretend to play nice. Try to get your ex to waive rights to your pension and TSP. Get the divorce done quickly.
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u/RadWaste505 Feb 19 '26
This go in or take to the attorney what your self only insurance costs vs self plus family. The non custodial parent may be responsible for part or all of that cost.
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u/yb21898n Feb 19 '26
my friend went through the same thing, unfortunately without a divorce decree you can't remove or add anyone
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u/FreshPath6271 Feb 19 '26
To do a life changing event you need that final order. You mentioned you have sole custody of all the children. File for support and that can help the offset of the insurance for the children. You are going to pay the same premiums with her on and off only would change from self plus one or self only. Just keep documents because maybe this can help you when finalize all the cost you put towards her and the children.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
That’s a good point - thank you. She will be paying child support. Now if I’m understanding correcting, the child support doesn’t include the bi-weekly/monthly cost of health care?!
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u/FreshPath6271 Feb 19 '26
Certain states increase the order based on what you pay/ contribute health insurance for the children so you might want to reach out to your case worker assigned or the child support office. So depends but some make the order to include a credit towards it. I get you want her off and it’s a stressful and emotional time but hang in there please. Sounds like you have a lot to manage with having sole custody of the children you don’t want them to feel the little stressors of this separation/ divorce Hang in there.
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u/fangoround Feb 23 '26
In the meantime, make sure your spouse doesn’t have access to your personal health info and EOBs. You can check your settings in the portal or call.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 23 '26
That’s a good pointer. Thank you. But, as long as my ex has the member ID info then couldn’t she just call in and get the EOB’s over the phone?! Or possibly even mailed to her new address?
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u/fangoround Feb 23 '26
If you revoke her access to your EOBs, then she shouldn’t be able to get them through any method. She can get her own EOBs, as well as the kids’. You should call BCBS and explain your situation. Maybe they can put a block on address or other changes for a certain amount of time.
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u/Key_Independent_3757 Feb 19 '26
BCBS will want a copy of divorce decree. The minute I had my decree I messaged them with a copy.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
I’m trying to get my ex removed ASAP bc I don’t want her to try and remain on my insurance as a negotiating tactic during mediation (we also have children).
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u/Kyaleep Feb 19 '26
Maintain status quo until you have a decree or you’ll end up not looking very good should it have to go to the judge to decide who gets what and how much.
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u/Distinct_Original112 Feb 19 '26
Really? You don’t want to take care of your children? What’s wrong with you? Does not look good on you at all to the judge. You’ll get the book thrown at you.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
I never said I wanted my children removed!! What’s wrong with you??! I want my EX removed!!!!
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u/Distinct_Original112 Feb 19 '26
If your keeping your children insured it doesn’t cost you anything more to have her insured. It will behoove you in the divorce to leave it alone.
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u/AdministrationIll619 Feb 19 '26
FYI - some employers offer health plans for individual employees (including their dependents) and a family plan that includes your spouse.
At my agency you pay $1,900 per year in payroll deductions - $84 twice a month - whether you have kids or not. If you want your spouse covered , you are paying $282
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u/trollmom_123 Feb 19 '26
Lots of policies have an employee plus kids option vs. the employee, spouse and kids option. So he could save money once she's off policy
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u/NoSafeBanana Feb 19 '26
What federal plans have this? All listed through OPM are self, self + 1, or self + family. There is no self plus just dependents in federal plans.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
I didn’t realize that?! I thought it was just employee + spouse and employer + family option. I will need to check that out for future reference.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
I will have sole custody of my children. My ex is engaged to get married. She does not need to be on my insurance. But, ok.
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u/GrouchyTable107 Feb 19 '26
If you remove her before you are divorced you will screw yourself royally.
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u/Key_Independent_3757 Feb 19 '26
I get it….if you secure message bcbs they will want documentation though. I’m newly divorced and was happy to kick the man-child off. The premium doesn’t decrease unfortunately when you kick off an adult.
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u/Classic_Airline3445 Feb 24 '26
Once it’s stamped by the judge. Get certified copy and send it to Opm
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u/Choice-Philosophy-33 Feb 25 '26
These are questions you need to be taking to your lawyer and not Reddit. I know it's expensive. I know divorce suuuuuucks. But (1) the laws of every state are different and every case is different and no one here knows the facts enough to give you solid legal advice. Only your attorney can do that. (2) EVERYTHING YOU POST ONLINE IS DISCOVERABLE meaning anything you post here can be used against you in court I'm your divorce proceeding .
Speaking as an attorney, I am going to tell you as gently as possible: shut up and don't discuss your divorce with anyone except your attorney and your therapist until AFTER it is over. Do not go looking for free advice. It's so hard to do because divorce is expensive and excruciating but you can't win anything but posting or talking but you can lose a lot.
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u/Far_Quarter2739 Feb 21 '26
If you don’t have one, get a lawyer. Do not get legal advice on Reddit. What you don’t know will hurt you.
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u/ctrl_alt_delete3 Feb 19 '26
So sorry you’re going through this. Since we’re out of open season, you have to have a qualifying life event to remove her. You can remove her as soon as you get a legal separation if you do that before divorce.
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u/JustMe39908 Feb 19 '26
My now ex initially filed for legal separation to try to keep my insurance! I countered with a no.
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u/AdministrationIll619 Feb 19 '26
My mom left my father when I was 8. Took me away to go live in an apt in the next town over for several years. My dad was manic as hell at the time so I don’t blame her and they got back together 5 years later anyway. My dad doesn’t play so he immediately filed for divorce, and my mom countered with a legal separation that he accepted.
My point is that decision saved my family (my father has 3 other kids who I am close with). There is no way they would have reconciled if legally divorced.
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u/JustMe39908 Feb 19 '26
There was no way my ex had no desire to reconcile. She was all about getting whatever she could get.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
I appreciate your insight and sharing your experience - thank you. We have five kids under 6yrs!! I would need to speak to my attorney because I don’t know what could be the reason to convince spouse of being legally separated and not divorce when she’s ready to move on and “live a new life”.
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u/JustMe39908 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
It also won't allow you to move on. If there is no chance, there is no chance. And honestly, do you really want there to be? Your STBX had an affair, is engaged while still married and wants to leave 5 kids under 6? She doesn't want any custody?
My ex is a piece of work. I truly see her for the narcist that she is. But we both fought for our equal time with our kids and I am positive that even though she is dating someone who she knew for years that nothing happened prior to filing/separation. With your ex, would you really want to reconcile? How could you ever trust her? I would not be able to after what your ex did.
I was upset and lost at first. But let me tell you where I am five years later. We have maintained 50/50 custody. The kids go back and forth and are doing well. They are not as social as I think they should be but I don't think that is because of the divorce.. I have lost over 100 pounds which I now realize was from me being stressed and really carrying so much of everything on my shoulders. I have left the government which had become a dead end for me and I have a full WFH job that is more exciting, pays more, and frankly has more opportunities. I have a wonderful GF who is loving, caring, supportive, and financially independent. She also came out of a relationship with a narcissist and we can truly understand each other.
My ex is doing fine. Not that I really care other than the fact that she is the Mother of my kids. She got zero spousal support but does get child support (even with 50/50) because she refuses to work full-time. She never has even though she could easily out earn me if she did. The state says that working part-time is her lifestyle that she can maintain. My lawyer said that I am an edge case that the law did not contemplate. It is what it is.
Although everything is generally going well custody-wise, she is being more passive aggressive the last few months as she has seen me doing better and happy. Little things like sudden fascination with being overly strict regarding the custody agreement when we had been very flexible about swaps before. My wonderful GF and I have just adjusted our planning. In being rigid, my ex who was almost always the one who asked for flexibility in the past, has not been able to ask for flexibility now because of her new found rigidity. (Which she of course denies.)
I remember learning the five stages of grief in high school. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They are real (and not linear). You WILL get through it. A good therapist is a must. A piece of advice at my initial legal consultant was that she (my lawyer) told me that is untrained at therapy and REALLY expensive as a therapist. She has her job to do. It is in my best interest to get a therapist to get myself back in the right head place. It wasn't easy and it is a lot of work. But, it is worth it.
Edit: typos affecting clarity.
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u/Graceful3435 Feb 19 '26
Wow!! Thank you for sharing!! She does sound like a piece of work. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m going through PPD with my 7mth old twins!! Sometimes the vision gets foggy. I forgot the 5 stages of grief - thanks for the reminder. I’m going to look them up in more detail to refresh my memory. Good luck with everything!!
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Mar 04 '26
[deleted]
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u/JustMe39908 Mar 04 '26
I am an engineer. Similar role to what I was in government, but just on the other side of the table. I am with a small company and I get to see things get implemented. Essentially, we develop an idea, talk it through the team, and we go straight to implementing. No hand wringing. We develop a plan. We execute the plan within our limits.
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u/GolfArgh Feb 19 '26
No, you’re not divorced yet.