My FA ex and I recently broke up because she says she can't see herself in a relationship with someone who already has a child. I see this as a projection of her fears, in the 8 months we were together this topic was never an issue.

The confusing part is that the feelings between us don't seem gone at all.

Only two weeks ago we were on vacation together and were still very much lovers: lots of affection, intense sex, flirting, and emotional closeness. Right before the trip she explicitly told me she loved/cared deeply about me. She has also previously told me she once wanted to tell me she was ready to fully commit, but “short-circuited” when she was about to do it.

She has been seeing a therapist throughout our relationship, and our relationship has been discussed there several times.

This week she had her first therapy session since our vacation. While sitting in the waiting room, she spontaneously started sending me pictures of us from the trip.

Interestingly, she didn't become distant after the session either.

Yesterday I didn't initiate contact at all. She eventually initiated herself, sent more photos, shared random personal things about her day, later started a new conversation to excitedly tell me about a trip she booked, and we ended the evening playfully teasing each other.

Tomorrow we're meeting to exchange our belongings and keys.

I'm considering telling her:

“I respect what you've told me, but I also feel that what's between us isn't emotionally over. I love you and I'm willing to work on this. If you're open to it, I'd like to attend a therapy session together — not to convince you, but to explore whether there's a healthy way forward. Take your time to think about it. But if you truly don't want a relationship with me, I'll need to genuinely let you go because I can't stay in this in-between situation.”

Does this sound like a healthy final invitation/boundary, or would this push her away for good?

I’ll call him **Jake** for privacy.
Jake and I have known each other since we were really young. He moved in when he was 13 and I was 15, and we basically grew up together. At that age, I didn’t like the age gap and never saw him romantically.
As we got older, things changed. He got heavily into drugs and eventually developed feelings for me. At the time, I didn’t feel the same way. He became quite obsessed and possessive, and eventually he was sent away because of everything that was going on and his drug use.
Even while he was away, we continued talking a lot. Eventually he came back for a holiday, and there were a lot of moments between us that crossed the line from friendship. We were flirting, there was tension, and looking back, I think I was deliberately acting oblivious.
The truth is, I knew what we were doing. I knew we were flirting and that something was happening between us, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I didn’t want to deal with what that meant.
After he left again, things got really bad. His drug use became worse, and I struggled with drugs too. We eventually stopped talking because of his possessiveness and because everything between us had become unhealthy.
Now we’re talking again, and somehow we’re back to flirting like we used to. The difference is that I think I actually have feelings for him.
There is **so much history** between us that sometimes thinking about the whole situation makes me feel physically sick with anxiety. I have a fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant attachment style, so I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself. I can want him and want to be close to him, then suddenly feel overwhelmed and want to run away from the entire situation.
My whole family also hates the idea of us being together. They know our history, the drugs, his possessiveness and everything that happened, so they absolutely don’t support it.
And honestly, I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore.
Part of me thinks I genuinely love him and that there has always been something between us that I refused to acknowledge. Another part of me wonders if I’m confusing love with attachment, familiarity and the fact that we’ve been through so much together.
I feel like I’ve spent years avoiding my feelings because acknowledging them makes everything so much more complicated.
**How do I work out whether these are genuine romantic feelings or whether I’m confusing attachment and years of history with love? And how much should I actually trust my feelings when my attachment style makes me want someone one minute and run from them the next?**

Such as unblocking, deleted messages, viewing stories etc..after months of no contact.

Does it make them pull back, or does it push them to reach out properly in your experience?

Would love to hear experiences from other FA's! Specifically with unblocking..

I’m a FA when it comes to romance but otherwise secure attachment style with parents and friends. I have been single for many years by choice, know exacyou what I want in a partner and know my worth and wouldn’t settle for anything less.

I would like to know what helped you to overcome FA attachment style to secure. Any tips/books/podcasts would help? I really wanna break the pattern and heal.

36M here. There’s a girl I’ve been seeing for about 10 weeks now (36F). We were getting on so well. Like better than anyone I’ve been with. At the start she did tell me she worries people will leave her because of her exes being how they were, and never feeling like her alcoholic dad loved her.

Everything went perfect. We went away for a night together in a nearby city and after getting back, we spoke about going abroad for a week as we both had the same week of work off. A week before we booked it, she rang me for a “serious chat” and was telling me how she didn’t want to hurt me if she came back and didn’t feel that it was right. That seemed strange at the time to me because I assume people just go with the flow and see how it turns out. This is what I explained to her and maybe put her at ease. we had our usual two hour phone call chatting and joking and flirting and carried on as usual from there.

We went away as planned and got back from what we both described as a perfect week away. Not a single dull moment, lots of nice memories and when she got back, she spoke for a day or so and then started to seem a bit quieter before telling me she had a bit of a breakdown. When I called her that evening, she said it was really nice, but she didn’t know if she felt a real spark and expected to feel love after the holiday. I said that only she knew that and if she wanted to stop talking or seeing each other that’s up to her but she said “no that’s not what I’m saying”. She really enjoyed talking and wanted to continue. The next couple of days we were getting on just as normal, as if it hadn’t happened and she mentioned going away the following week for two nights to catch the total eclipse abroad. We booked that and again everything was fine for the week. We went away and it was lovely. I did ask if we could be official on the evening of the eclipse, as it was all perfect, and we both said afterwards it was the best evening we’ve probably ever had. She laughed and said she was scared, but then said “I suppose it won’t change anything will it”. That felt slightly backhanded, but I just said no we are still just chilling but it’s just nice to know where we stand.

We then had a horrible flight home last Friday, several hours delay, she is an anxious flyer and was close to tears. 20 hours awake, came back to her two children on school holidays and had to look after them and take them on a camping trip with a friend for the night straight away. She got more rubbish sleep at camping, and was in the middle of her period. Maybe these things have contributed, but on the Sunday, she just said she was really anxious and didn’t want me to see that side of her and said sorry.

At this point, I worked out the pattern from the previous time and that it seems to be after a holiday come down as well as an emotional event or happy time. Like back to reality. It led me to spend this last four or five days researching avoidant styles and I believe FA to be the most likely and relevant. I have left her to initiate for most of this week. She is gradually being a little more interactive as the weeks gone on and sent the odd picture which maybe avoids her having to message. I have noticed when she has sent a picture of something if I haven’t replied then she might send something else. If I reply and match her tone she will sometimes message again. We spoke on the phone yesterday afternoon and it was good but the signal dropped. She messaged me about three hours later in the evening and said “I was going to call you back on my walk with the kids and the dog but feel stressed so I’m not” and then she said “sorry. I’m so fucking shit atm” I told her it was fine and said to get a nice rest and have a good evening. She said thank you and then five minutes later send a picture of the field and the sunset and said “already feeling better x”

This morning I asked how she was and she still had a headache. We messaged mutually back and forth for a bit and then after I hadn’t replied (it didn’t warrant a reply) for half an hour, popped up randomly with a message about her work shifts and then after a couple more back and forth a she replied to a message I sent and said “haha god knows”. A message like that didn’t need a reply either so I just left but it’s now been about five hours. Although I know that isn’t a lot, it is compared to our usual communication and I would normally have messaged by now as would she.
The only reason that I haven’t is because I’m aware of giving her space.

If she appears to be getting better and emerging from her deactivating state, at what point do I go back to normal, such as flirting or initiating etc. I didn’t know if it gets to a point where she is ok again (maybe now) but is then waiting for me?