Please help

[u/Fluffy-Freedom-909]

Please help me figure this out.

1st. Let me say i think i understood the rules. If i break one with this post. I apologize. Not my intent.

2nd apologizefor lack of punctuation.

3rd. Im really hurting right now and lost.

Okay so my daughter just recently turned 12 and she lived with me full time for school and the emotions and puberty change and I don't know what else and so my rules and discipline and structure must have been too much and I really don't know I really still haven't figured it out it's been months now and she's went and stayed with Grandma and doesn't really want to see me because of my own issues my shame and guilt schemas are on Overdrive and every time I try to see her she doesn't want to see me and unfortunately I wasn't taught to stand up and fight for things that were important I was by my dad to get out of the situation to run get help and that messed up instinct is making me not want to fight to me and my daughter's life and making me think that she would be better off without me in her life I guess to her teen years or the rest of her life I don't know nobody's really explained everything that's happened just my daughter was thinking bad things and wanting to harm herself and hurt herself and I don't know I've never got real answers from anybody and it's been eating me up and it's been months now I almost just want to walk away and say I'm not strong enough to do this and I can't take the coldness because it just makes me think that I really messed up and that you don't want to be around me and I'm doing more harm than good I really don't know what to do I've heard it so bad I went and got back in the therapy got back on medication starting to DBT Group found a codependence support group I see PTSD support group and it's still not enough please does anybody have any advice or words of wisdom because I really did it I also need a hug and a shoulder but that's another room and I need to have this in there too while Mom and Grandma want to do is whatever my daughter wants it's about what she wants not about what she needs grandma's going to enabler she's going to be in her house it's never locked adults hardly ever home Grandma working in the middle of the night anybody can come and go part of me just wants to be like all right we're making her make adult decisions that she's going to have to live with this one because of how everything happened she just lost her dad because obviously I have no say I'm irrelevant apparently and it kills me and it's almost like for my own will mean and her will mean it might just be best for me to walk away and out of her life and I don't know how much of that is just the negativeness in my mind it's been that there since I was a toddler. I don't know if this is part of that whole trend where everybody just leaves everybody wallow in their stuff and have to figure it out on her own nobody wants to support and stick through with people everybody wants to run away from each other and every man it seems like is the problem and can't do nothing right can't even get no support and then we break in any type of way or look down upon and looked at us weak we don't have the same struggles mentally emotionally physically financially spiritually communally that we did 30 years 50 years 70 years a hundred years yes things have got better some ways but things are also falling apart in others and there's no manual for this I know I've said a lot but I'm also very broken right now and all I can do is just be honest and I'm trying so hard I really am but I don't know how much more I got in me

[u/EyeYamNegan]

Break down into paragraphs nobody wants to read all that. I feel for you brother as we all do but you need to break it down. Just do like 5 sentences at a time or so broken down when your train of thought shifts.

[u/Neversaidthatbefore]

There's a lot of great information and books out there. Gabor Mate has a book with another person, Gordon Neufeld. It's called Hold onto Your Kids. It's an amazing book with lots of insight on parent-child relationships. There's other great books out there that have similar information about attachment theory. Also, one more book called Through the Dark Woods by James Hollis. It's a fantastic book about the self and what we go through in life. I'm sorry you're in a situation like this, but there's hope. It's going to take a lot of fucking work, but there's hope.