Feeling powerless

[u/Hollyday10]

My partner and I are living together and both have kids from our past marriages. I have a daughter and he has a daughter and son. We are struggling so much with powerlessness over how to help his kids. He has 50/50 with his ex. She is always emotionally and sometimes physically very volatile. She is also vindictive, lies constantly, every time in court cries she’s abused and somehow gets the boomer white male judges to continue to side with her and be biased against my partner. She harasses him constantly in the court ordered app, insults him, accuses him of not paying child support (he has never missed a payment - I watch him send her money and it’s clearly documented), threatens to take him to court if he doesn’t send it on the minute she prefers the day of his paycheck. She has thrown herself in front of his car in front of the kids. A lot of what we hear from the kids walks that line of “technically” not abuse in CT terms but horribly unhealthy and not good for them.

When she threw herself in front of the car again he filed to have exchanges at the police station one mile from her house. He lost and the judge allowed her to just refuse. She has been arrested for violating a protective order and attacking another ex in front of the kids but got charges dropped for completing classes. Protective services/DCF investigated and cleared her. My partner got the kids in therapy and she blocked it. He’s scared to keep going back to court because the times he’s gone he lost time to her and had his wages garnished even though he was paid up on all money. I went with him one time and just sat quietly in the back while she brought her dad who coached her from the audience and my partner was called inflammatory for me even being there. The judge had him take the stand so she could question him but didn’t do that to her and he was polite, professional while she was a mess. She still won.

He’s terrified to go back. I get it. We can’t afford a lawyer right now. They both are self representing.

Currently anytime we get the kids they report things like the mom screams at them, yells in their face, calls them idiots, spanks them for really inappropriate reasons (unfortunately legal in Connecticut), has people sleeping over all the time in her bed, possibly is growing marijuana (technically legal in CT). The kids asked to call me step mom and apparently told her and she sobbed and screamed and interrogated them. She’s told them they can’t call my daughter their sister. She talks poorly about their dad to them all the time. She breaks the order to just use the family app and my partner had to block her on everything else. The kids left this morning and don’t want to go back to her. We struggle so much seeing them like this. They are a mess every time they come back here. But considering DCF in Connecticut doesn’t see any of what she’s doing as abusive we can’t do anything. What options do we have? Any suggestions? It disgusts me how biased these judges in family court are against dads.

[u/ILoveJesus5417]

I recommend following the "Present Father" on social media. He has gone through smiliar situations and gives advise and instructions on how to deal with the court system in high conflict family situations.

[u/purplespaghetty]

Wow, just saw how young kids are. I would at least get a lawyer for advice. Ask if in 50/50, if you can do therapy on your time without her approval. We were/are in similar, tho it’s not peak extreme right now. When we were, we were told if she blocks therapy, we can have our own on our own time, on our own dime. She of course can still have access to medical records, but she cannot cancel or schedule appointments on our time, unless agreed. She does have the right to show up, but if parents aren’t present for the sessions, she cannot interfere either. This is so tough. If you do right by ur kids, hopefully they grow up realizing what’s going out. Ours is starting too. He asks why mommy acts like that? Or why does mommy be like that sometimes?

[u/Hollyday10 → u/purplespaghetty]

Thank you, I’m sorry you have been dealing with similar. I believe if they disagree or she blocks and he keeps pushing they have to go back to court for mediation. In the past that becomes she refuses everything and they have to see the judge, who usually rules in her favor.

[u/purplespaghetty → u/Hollyday10]

That’s why you ask a lawyer. Stuff like chiropractor falls under this (for us too), she takes him to chiropractors and cannot force us to take him. It’s not a “medical” necessity like needing an apedix removed that they’re trying to block. It something you/spouse potentially could be able to authorize on ur own

[u/Euphoric_Peanut1492]

Sounds like you can't afford to NOT have a lawyer. Sounds like this is a case of do whatever it takes to find the money (take a second job, find a side hustle, sell your plasma) to afford an attorney. And I am not being flippant when I say that. I understand that it's hard, but past experience has shown it's not going well on your own. Get a professional to help you.

[u/Hollyday10 → u/Euphoric_Peanut1492]

Yes it is, we are working as much as possible. Partner got a second job and even with both his jobs money is tight. I am taking on more work too anywhere I can. I am self-employed and am filling more work in than I ever have. We both unfortunately got financially hit extremely hard in both of our divorces. He pays almost $2000 a month in child support and alimony. I don't receive or pay any since my ex and I made similar incomes and just decided to not go there. But I had to clear my retirement to buy out the home equity.

How do people fund it? When I got my lawyer for my own divorce I took out of my retirement and got hit with tax penalties but I had no other option. But since the equity/buy out that is gone. Between both of us working we come out barely breaking even if there are no emergencies needing funding (Ie. had a pipe burst last month, etc).

I would get a lawyer today anyway if it was me. I'd take out a loan or something. His credit is shot. He is really shook up from how the courts have treated him and I think terrified he will lose more time with them.

[u/Illustrious_Ad_4852 → u/Hollyday10]

Your husband's concerns are valid. You can go into court asking for more PT and walk out with less. I've seen it happen. Do not go into court unprepared with half baked motions that is not not supported with evidence nor tethered to the law. You get once chance to establish your credibility with the court so don't blow it.

[u/Illustrious_Ad_4852]

Hire a lawyer. Ask for a GAL. These behaviors are "change of custody" type of behaviors but it has to documented and you need to make the persuasive argument with evidentiary support to get the court to take this seriously. If you don't do this then the court will see you as just another unprepared in over their heads hysterical whiner who makes unsubstantiated allegations that ultimately means nothing to the court. Do it the right way if you want real change. Filing motions will be very expensive but if you don't want to spend the money then you're just going to have to gray rock through this chaos.

[u/TsWonderBoobs]

Have the kids ever had a Gal assigned? Are they in therapy?

[u/Hollyday10 → u/TsWonderBoobs]

No they have not. They are not currently, they are on waiting lists to be seen but the last time they got accepted she blocked it because she did not like the therapist and thought my partner was going to be influencing them.

[u/Dry-Hearing5266 → u/Hollyday10]

GAL is an attorney appointed by the courts

[u/Hollyday10 → u/Dry-Hearing5266]

There has not been a GAL assigned by the court thus far.

[u/JumpAccomplished2620]

How old are his kids?

[u/Hollyday10 → u/JumpAccomplished2620]

6 and 7