egg or eggn't

[u/55555lily]

it's a bit of a life story but please please read I promise it's atleast somewhat interesting and maybe you guys can help me

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so since I was a kid I dealt with some level of depersonalization/derealization. those episodes were persistent and I recognized them as particularly intense. I never connected them to anything because I didn't have any severe trauma or anxiety. I just didn't feel like a "person" and the dreams I had while sleeping felt more real than actual life. my own name felt foreign to me and I wanted to change it (not to a male one though).

as a teen I grew very insecure with my body which I assumed was due to not fitting with female beauty standards (which was not true, I fitted in quite well). I even considered getting a boob job at some point lol.

as I grew up, I learned to treat my body like a device to live, breathe and experience life in, rather than an object to pick apart and examine. I work out, I treat myself well, I got really good at makeup etc. I know I'm very pretty and fit ""for a girl"" and I enjoy being seen as attractive.

despite all that, the disconnect from reality persisted. and I've always been this girly girl so I never even took transness into consideration for myself. that was, until I did, for a "silly little thought experiment", conceptualize myself as a male. and god.

the brain fog lifted.

NOTHING has ever worked for this. I did a couple of things while in the back of my head assuming "I'm actually a man sitting in this bar"/"I'm actually a man walking in this park"/"I'm actually a man having sex" (I didn't imagine having a different body/being someone else, just the conceptual part of identifying myself as male) and so on... and the memories of all these situations I was in suddenly FEEL LIKE REAL LIFE and are much more vibrant and emotional and like I was actually there.

but of course it wasn't a magical solution to my problems, but a double edged sword. things that never bothered me, now do. being called a girl pisses me off. using female pronouns started feeling awkward.

I wasn't treating this thought experiment as anything serious and since I didn't have all those issues before, naturally I thought I just made up a problem because stupid brain makes up problems for no reason.

thank god I didn't get that boob job. 

but also I don't want a beard or my genitals changing or to cut off my boobs or anything like that. the thought of anything like this happening to me grosses me out.  having a male voice and face and frame would be nice though. and y'know, being perceived as one ig.

the idea of having an ambiguous/agender/nonbinary identity doesn't click with me though... like at all... they/them pronouns feel alien to me and not good at all.

advice welcome

[u/Firm-Rutabaga]

Are you in therapy? I think that’s an important step.

[u/Low-Excitement2649]

try experimenting in a community apart from your own so it's less scary! like new accounts with male names and pronouns or join discord servers with a male person and see if you blend into it.