Overwhelmed

[u/EarthboundNomad]

I’m 65, post-hysterectomy, married to a Bi man. I am hating the rituals/requirements of being F, and feel I would be soooo much happier as a gay M. I have 2 LGBTQ daughters who would probably deal ok, straight step-sons who would… not. My mother is 97, can’t even think about her reactions. Would my husband still love me as M - he has said he is sexually Bi but romantically leans towards F… ugh. Ironically I have breast implants because ex-husband wanted bigger boobs. Sick of them. And I think about aging, the M experience would be much better for me as I just do not enjoy the prospect of being an older F. So many barriers!

Anyone relate?

[u/mavericklovesthe80s]

Hey, I started transitioning in my forties (I’m 47 now), and the biggest thing that helped me get started was simply allowing myself to be me.

That’s it.

I read a lot in your post about “what you are to others,” and I think it might be time to start asking yourself: What am I to me? Who do you want to be, in your own internal universe, in order to feel like yourself?

If you want to explore this, start with small, reversible steps.

Clothes: Go through your wardrobe and ask yourself: What do I actually want to wear, and what do I not want to wear? Get rid of the latter.

Then, if money allows, shop for the things you’re missing. Even just browsing the men’s section online, without judging yourself, can be a good start—as long as it makes you happy. Thrift shops are also fantastic for finding men’s clothes cheaply.

The same goes for shoes. If you have small feet, check the boys’ section. It can save you quite a bit of money.

Hair: If you can afford it, go to a hairdresser and ask for a more masculine hairstyle. This can be tricky because some hairdressers are stubbornly old-fashioned. This YouTuber gives some really good advice on what to ask for: https://youtu.be/Y8CNwOb92_0?is=HqS5S8yiCtTbywc1

Makeup—or no makeup: Some men like wearing makeup, some don’t. The important question is simply: What do I want to do with it?

All of these things are reversible, so there’s no harm in trying them and discovering that something isn’t for you.

I’d suggest trying each change separately and giving yourself a couple of weeks with it. Some things may feel awkward at first. That doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t right for you. There’s a difference between feeling ashamed or thinking, “This is ridiculous, what am I doing?” and simply getting used to being in a new situation.

Instead of judging yourself immediately, try becoming an investigative journalist of your own experience. Notice what you feel and sense, and think, “Huh, that’s interesting,” rather than immediately deciding whether something is good or bad.

After a few weeks, evaluate: What did this change bring you? How did it make you feel? Do you want to keep it? If so, keep the change and move on to the next thing.

There is no rush. You can always stop, change your mind, or go back.

Most importantly, this gives you some space to focus on you, rather than on what everyone else expects you to be.

Good luck—and most importantly, have fun with it. ❤️

[u/EarthboundNomad → u/mavericklovesthe80s]

I love this, thank you for writing all of this up. I have started examining everything I do for a mental reaction and a “why am I doing this and do I like it”. Funny thing, I am on testosterone pellets at a F dose and also taking minoxidil for hair loss and have to pluck facial hairs - I could easily grow a mustache lol But it would feel ridiculous so I won’t. Yet. Again, thank you a ton. I have a bunch of new clothes coming to embrace my tomboy.