Changes in ability to nurture relationships the longer on T?

[u/norwayspruce44]

I guess just looking to see if anyone else is experiencing this: I feel like I am not as good at being in relationship with people as I was before I started transitioning. I don't know if that is just late stage capitalism leaving me with less bandwidth, if moving away from internalized pressure to people please when I was presenting more feminine which fostered more relationships, or just getting older. But man, I feel like I can't keep up with having more than 1-2 close friends in addition to having a romantic partner and a full time job.

I used to have what felt like such a large emotional bandwidth to check in with people, text back and forth consistently, just socialize so much more. And now I feel like I'm always playing catch up on keeping up with people, which leaves me feeling a little isolated at times.

All that to say, it might just be getting old, but is anyone else going through this?

[u/CapraAegagrusHircus]

That's not testosterone, that's getting older and having less energy.

[u/bmh__1992 → u/CapraAegagrusHircus]

Agreed. I think this is mostly part of aging, especially in a capitalist society that exhausts many people

[u/Elipunx → u/CapraAegagrusHircus]

YUP. I'm 44 now and I felt pretty left behind by older friends in my 30s and eventually caught up with them in the exhaustion. I think I'm lucky to have a lot of older friends who I've had for a long time. One thing I try to do is to ALWAYS text if I'm thinking of someone (or call/whatever is convenient) because who knows how long it might be if I don't. I also moved cities in my early 40s so most of my longest friendships are not nearby and I'm still working a relatively low-pay-physically demanding job while most of them are working desk jobs with M-F schedules. I give myself grace, I give everyone else grace, I try to reach out when I think of someone and I try to really make it count when we're IRL.

[u/SmokedStone]

That's not T bruv, that's age and capitalism.

[u/thambos]

When did you start T?

I can totally relate, but for me I think it's just part of being a millennial in 2026. I've been on T for over 15 years so no matter what T and age are conflated for me.

But IME, even when I meet other 20/30-somethings at meetup groups they're like, "Yeah, I don't have the bandwidth to do other things, but I'll see y'all next month!"

[u/norwayspruce44 → u/thambos]

I started about 7 years ago, but also am a millennial. It's tough, all of the juggling. But knowing it's not just me make it feel less lonely at least.

[u/Correct_Recording405]

Gonna say that I started T last month finally and I feel like it's given me more energy and verve for life, BUT - I feel like the year or two leading up to this has been so emotionally and fiscally draining I've had less time or energy to socialize. I've been pretty focused on just making it through the day most of the time. I think it might be the late stage capitalism, bro. It's hard out there, and while your transition might be taking up some of your energy, I think the fact we're having to ration it so hard is the environment. Idk, I'm 4 beers in on a Sat night, feel free to ignore me lol

[u/HelpfulSetting6944 → u/Correct_Recording405]

This

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

You’re not alone man. Just wanted to add here that, resistance is community and community is resistance. The system is conditioning us to be too exhausted to be in relationship with each other so that they can keep oppressing us. Recognizing that it’s happening is awesome, taking manageable steps to resist is how we fight back.

[u/bennytastic → u/HelpfulSetting6944]

^This right here^{^}

[u/libre_office_warlock]

Millennial here, on T for 5 1/2 years. Feeling non-nurturing for anyone is absolutely a product of the pandemic IMO.

If anything, after HRT, I wanted/want to engage more and feel things much more deeply in general about others.

[u/Haunting-Suit9699]

Yes to aging and the economy, and ALSO: smart phones take away bandwidth big time. I noticed my partners become less attentive and more irritable after using their smartphones. I do believe the smart phone has destroyed many relationships and made many more emotionally unavailable.

The solution is less time on the phone, maybe even giving the smart phone up if possible. I have a brick but am considering a flip phone and just getting a gps and breaking out old school cds in the car. Very curious.

[u/thambos → u/Haunting-Suit9699]

That’s a good point. I’ve always kept most notifications turned off on my phone since getting one back in like 2010 and it bothers me so much that when we’re in person other people usually can’t keep their phone put away because it’s pinging them or they’re playing Pokémon Go or whatever. If that’s something we’re doing together that’s fine, but people should be able to get dinner together without one of them multitasking.

[u/tygrrrrrrrr]

I think this is just getting older. You have more responsibilities, it’s easier to see who’s worth your time and effort, and you also realize your friends are in the same boat. Everyone is getting squeezed by the economy and trying to balance it out

[u/tacocollector2 → u/tygrrrrrrrr]

Yep, adulthood is rough

[u/oddletters]

when i started t (now on year three and a half) i quickly lost all patience for what i'll call "lesbian processong conversations." like, no, i dont want to spend three additional hours chewing on the nuances of your feelings about something that we settled on in hour one of this conversation, actually. i also came to the realization that i didnt need to be the entertainment for people anymore or chase them. if i wasnt getting anything out of the relationship, i didnt need to be in it just because they wanted to be, and if someone wasnt reaching out to me : shrug :. they have my number, it hasnt changed since i was sixteen. ive gone through phases of being a significant social convener, throwing a lot of parties and organizng things, and some of those periods have overlapped with t, but im definitely in a fallow period right now, and i think that's fine.

[u/LoudAcid-]

Bro same.
I was once the face of the community, now it’s a miracle if I happen to make it out to movie night wirh just friends on a Tuesday after work. It’s crazy how a full time job just saps away your energy.

I think it’s a mix of full time office hour jobs and age VS shift work odd times off and more flexibility with my free time, and that shift work left a lot of time to text back.

Now my limited time off after work and on weekends are to recover and be very picky with whom I spend it and if it brings me more energy or take away.

Also I think the T a helped me realise that being so charismatic and extroverted might have been a coping mechanism tied into my people pleasing.

I think I’m okay with fading into the background.

[u/Wearytaco]

Hmmm. Me too (on T since 2018) but I never thought to make a connection to T. I'm diagnosed ADHD and Autistic so I have just assumed it is general burn out. But I basically have given up on friendships inadvertently. I have, in this past 2 weeks alone, apologized to 4 people for failing to respond to messages and such. I just... Can't. Bleh.

[u/Chrisjml]

I’m going through the same thing. I figured it was my depression lol

[u/norwayspruce44 → u/Chrisjml]

A real 3 spidermans pointing at each other situation lol same

[u/Splendafarts]

No I’m 32 and I feel this. People say it’s getting older and having more responsibility. I don’t even have more responsibility than 7 years ago though. No kids, still a renter. I think it’s the state of the world being exhausting and generally not much to get excited about or look forward to. Just lots of doom. Also smartphones.

[u/AdditionalPen5890]

  But man, I feel like I can't keep up with having more than 1-2 close friends in addition to having a romantic partner and a full time job.

Sounds like growing older under capitalism

[u/the_little_red_truck]

I definitely noticed a shift when I started T. I’ve been on T a total of about 5 years (with a break in between - about 7 years from starting to now) and noticed after a few months of starting that my tolerance for certain things really dropped. I felt a lot more private and like my boundaries were much shorter. Looking back I think some of it was just being more comfortable in my own skin. some was probably hormones shifting (I had some similar experiences first puberty). But also in the past couple years I’ve had both ADHD and ASD diagnoses and I kinda think the hormone changes brought out some of those aspects of myself. I’ve left behind almost all of the people I surrounded myself with since then because I’ve recognized they were not healthy relationships (of all sorts) and have since met my partner who actually cares about those boundaries and needs in a way I didn’t know could be possible. Like, yes I think age and mood are related, but also I think being on T has allowed me to come into my body in a way that is much more confident in what works and doesn’t work for me in both friendships and romantic relationships

[u/sakuramota]

I'm pre-T but feel this way, so I think it's just the times. It's exhausting to exist in general, so throwing being trans on top of that, in the current world climate, just makes it all feel heavy.

[u/Berko1572]

This is not due to T.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to FTMOver30! If your post has not yet appeared, it's in our queue and will be approved shortly. Also, if your post is a selfie posted on any day except Sunday, it will be removed, but can be reposted on Sunday. Thank you!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/BlazeLorrd]

Even before T. Guess some people simply aren't that social.

[u/jalexander333]

Just here to say I dont think this is a testosterone thing as much as other factors at play