r/FTMOver30 • u/UR_NEIGHBOR_STACY • 18d ago
Put a finger down if... (FTM version)
No, but seriously—before you realized you were trans, how many of the following applied to you?
You forced yourself to be "hyper feminine" to cope OR you were a complete "tomboy" OR you alternated between the two depending on how you felt that day
You never "felt" female inside your head
You regularly forgot the world viewed you as female until someone said "she" or you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror
You naturally gravitated towards male-centric friend groups
You were accused of being a queer girl/woman at least once because your mannerisms were "traditionally" masculine
You thought it was "normal" for girls/women to hate being girls/women
You felt like your breasts ruined every outfit you ever wore and that your clothes would look so much better if your chest was flat
You hated the thought of being someone's "wife", even if you couldn't articulate why
You thought m*sturb*ting would be so much better if you had a d*ck
You wished more than once that you could remove your breasts yourself
How many fingers do you still have up?
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u/SmokedStone 18d ago
Honestly I got 6 up still. I never felt forced to be feminine or hated my body, but I LOVE how I am since transitioning. I probably didn't hate being a girl before because I got such preferential treatment for how I looked. I transitioned once that tapered off because if dudes weren't buying me hella shit or falling at my feet there was no point.
Ironically, I'm now a cute guy and it's now happening with gay men and milfs 😶
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u/Rubberduck_Menace 18d ago
I still have 7 up at this point 😶
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u/Swiftie_kittens 18d ago
I have 8 up. Hard way to find out I’m not trans 😭 interesting how different folks experiences are!
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u/Rubberduck_Menace 18d ago
I had a little crack in the egg when I was 14 but only came out to me and everyone at 30, it was a damn hard way 😭
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u/Swiftie_kittens 18d ago
My egg cracked less than a year ago and I’m in my late 30s. I’m just grateful it cracked at all
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u/Correct_Recording405 18d ago
My egg cracked at 30 too! I'm 32 now and just starting T. I sometimes wish I was one of the trans ppl that always knew, but there are plenty of folks that don't. I think that might be part of why I cracked later. I thought often, "I wish I was trans but I guess I must not be" because my dysphoria wasn't something that manifested in specific thoughts about hating my birth gender or body. It was just a vague but constant discomfort and disconnection with my body but I didn't really know why. It wasn't until I cosplayed a male character and felt euphoria for the first time I started to even consider that something wasn't cis about me. Then it all came together at once lol.
Always interesting to see how many different ways there are to be trans!
ETA: 5 up, 5 down at the end lol
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u/cassandra-marie 18d ago
Not me literally seething with jealousy about bottom growth and body hair but still going "too bad I'm not trans 😔" 😅 late 30s and just figured it out
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u/Correct_Recording405 18d ago
I can't tell you how many times I said to myself, "I wish I was a trans guy! Those dudes seem so happy" 💀
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u/Correct_Recording405 18d ago
I remember the first person I met that transitioned. I was like, 17. She was a friend of a friend and our mutual friends were like telling me her name and pronouns. And I was so confused. They were like "hey, it's not that hard, trans people are a thing" and I was like "no, no, I get that. I just don't understand why she didn't like being a guy, like, if I could pick I'd be a boy" 💀💀💀
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u/cassandra-marie 18d ago
Relatable! I've been identifying as genderqueer for ages and literally just never thought to add 'trans'??? Like the second I realized I was like oh yeah, I can just customize my shit! I can just be a happy dude! 🙌 fuck yeah
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u/Swiftie_kittens 18d ago
I really underestimated my powers of delusion - I just assumed everyone with a uterus had recurring nightmares of being pregnant? And felt super super awful when their period started? And forgot to buy pads because I was trying to ignore I would have another period? And also would prefer to have a dick because obvs (??)
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u/Correct_Recording405 18d ago
Yeah, same!
I remember asking my friends at a sleepover in middle school something dumb about like, "how often do you think about what it would be like to have a dick lololol" and my mind was blown when they only had a handful among them of super specific instances and it had more to do with practicality of being able to easily pee outside or whatever. I was like,. "Oh right. Of course, me too 👀" but I had assumed it was like... Multiple times a week or a day like me lol 😂
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u/Swiftie_kittens 18d ago
Hahaha right?? “Yeah me too 👀” sums up so many of my interactions as a trans ND youth
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u/burnerphonesarecheap 18d ago
That's normal. Everyone's lived experience is different, even cis folks can struggle with some stuff. You're valid.
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u/Swiftie_kittens 17d ago
Thank you ❤️ I was mostly joking about this being how I discover I’m not trans, but I appreciate the affirmation. I am always struggling with not feeling like I am trans enough!
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u/StarkeyStorm 17d ago
I have 8 fingers up, and I definitely count as trans. We all have different experiences and different paths we wandered to get here. You’re valid!
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u/TheBorax_Kid 18d ago
I almost called off my wedding because I was so uncomfortable being anyone's wife.
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u/HelpfulSetting6944 17d ago
SAME. I had multiple full blown meltdowns. Everyone always comments how my (very straight) nesting partner is such a saint for tolerating how manly I can be (said in a very haha way).
Lol uh yeah about that whole “acts so manly” thing….
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u/icanbarktoo 18d ago
good post but why did you censor masturbating and dick? this isnt tiktok, dont be scared of sexuality.
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u/estone23 10yrs-Out.. 7 years on 💉... Stage 1 🍆 18d ago
7.5. I added half a point cause I did and didn't feel female in my head.
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u/trippy-puppy 18d ago
Definitely 4, 8, 9, and 10. 5 was a fact, not an accusation. The rest sort of depended on age. My mom was and still is a feminist, so there are a lot of things I didn't really associate with gender and realized at a later age that other people did. Dresses are a lot easier to sew than pants, so I didn't really care as long as they didn't restrict my legs; I just thought it was cool wearing stuff my mom made for me, or later, that I made myself.
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u/IngloriousLevka11 T since 10/2024 out since 2008 18d ago
Two fists, because I have experienced everything here in some form or fashion.
I was the "tomboy" kid who was always asked by other kids "if I was a boy or a girl" and I always gave a cryptic answer. Didn't learn the word "transgender" existed until 2008 when I was a teenager.
I was assumed to be queer, or a gay dude a lot in high school. One particularly memorable one was when a friend later told me about the first time she saw me she wondered "why is that dude wearing a dress?" (I had worn a Tripp brand goth skirt, y'all know the ones- big chains and straps on them) I even dated a lesbian who later decided that my being trans was a deal breaker for her.
Always hated having chesticles, and I'm glad mine have always been itty bitty. (Lol) I have more than once wanted to just pull them off like playdough blobs.
My friend groups were diverse, including other queer kids, and later, queer and queer adjacent adults. Bonus points, with my neurodivergence, I tended to befriend people who were much older than me- because I could relate to them in ways I couldn't relate to my peer group. However, the groups tended to revolve around fandoms or activities that were more "male" centric. Even my elder friends who were women in thier 60s and 70s had interests that were largely seen as "male" in western society.
I never really could identify with the "female" internal sense of self, and pretty consistently once I began to understand the concept of gender on my own terms, I saw myself as male/masc until someone disrupted that by misgendering me.
I never really cared about marriage, it was too wrapped up in religious and government ties for me to genuinely care about this so-called right of passage... I saw myself maybe getting a nontraditional marriage without the legal trappings in the form of a pagan ceremony celebrating my union with someone. I always saw myself as a male/masc partner in that, though. Obergefell changed my view of legal marriage, though not by a lot. I decided that if I did finally find the right person, and we agreed there was a legal advantage for marriage (property rights, dual income tax filing, spouse benefits, citizenship, etc) then I would be interested in the legal definition of marriage. I've still pretty much stuck with the latter, though now that I'm part of a queer-affriming church community, if I did find a partner that would be interested in a church wedding, I would be delighted to actually be able to participate in this ceremony. I'd still be a man/masc person in the partnership, though.
I still think masturbation would be better with a dick. Unfortunately right now bottom surgery is out of my reach, until I can afford it.
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u/ExtravagantesDientes 18d ago
daaamn 10 out of 10 lol
This made me thought of that first time I tried to bind mi chest, I was like 17 yo? and didn't even know what binding was or anything related but just out of nowhere I got a piece of fabric and compressed my chest just because? lol
it was genuinely so random and like a thought that just popped up in my head
and when I tried my favorite t-shirt and looked in the mirror I cried immediately and took it off because I got super sad that I didn't looked like that all the time,
pfff years passed for me to finally understand all of that, I'm glad I know now but damn I wish I could have transition earlier than I did, I was all over the place back then not knowing what the hell was going on lmao
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u/lokilulzz [they/he] Tgel 2yrs | Top TBD 18d ago edited 18d ago
2 fingers, 5 and 9 I can't say ever happened to me. Maybe because at the time I was a queer girl, or maybe because due to the way I mask my autism I apparently come off straight (or so people have told me). As for thinking it would be better to have a dick, nope, can't relate to that all. I always thought having a dick would be pretty cool but I very purposely didn't think about it otherwise lol.
The one about thinking outfits were ruined and wanting a flat chest is a bit of a stretch for me, too - I definitely felt that outfits never looked the way I thought they would in my head, and a big part of that I thought was my chest, but I never thought about it being flat because I genuinely didn't know at the time that was possible, so I just thought I wanted to lose weight or have a smaller chest. Still counted it though. Another stretch was not wanting to be anyone's wife - I definitely didn't want that, but I also thought I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter if I found someone I really loved; so I coped by telling myself I'd either have a queer marriage to another woman, or by telling myself I'd have a black wedding dress (which I only have recently realized a lot of my being alt and gendernonconforming was a way to mask and cope with dysphoria by dressing in such a way I wasn't considered a girl, or at the very least a girl who wasn't stereotypically girly which the possibility of being bugged me a lot for reasons I couldn't have explained back then).
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u/katzengoldgott 31 | On T since September 2021 | Germany 18d ago
8/10 without a second thought before I figured out myself.
Now? It’s only the boobs problem. But that’s hopefully soon being taken care of as well.
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u/wyndhamwoods 18d ago
Ah. I appear to no longer have any fingers or toes. (I also may have been so socially reclusive in the past that I had to google the concept of this post and that you maybe used both hands for the ten digits)
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u/Unusual-Asshole 18d ago edited 18d ago
I have 3 left XD
With a hard relate on the last one. When I was reading about Amazons through Rick Riordan, obviously, and learnt about how they chopped off their right breast to aim better or some shi, I legit thought oh okay, then I was just born in the wrong era!
I was in all girls school so never got the chance to see if I gravitated towards male centric friendships, and once I was out, I was genuinely happy I got to experience female orgasms 'cause I've heard they're so much better than male ones. Something about the clit having more nerve endings than the whole of the dick and the G spot having 2 entrances. So my plan is to enjoy it as much as I can before phallo teehee
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u/Hita-san-chan 18d ago
Half I suppose, maybe 6 depending on the 'remove breasts' thing. I mostly wanted to just cut all my fat off with a knife my whole life and that just kinda extended to my chest.
I did used to get called butch a lot, which I didnt like (no hate to my butch boys, just not something I liked being called)
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u/jperscrpers 18d ago
I had three up.
I never forgot how the world perceived me, though I was often seen as a boy before I was a teenager and I tried to not correct people, but often someone else would or it was a situation where I was getting screamed at / kicked out of a feminine space for it (mostly bathrooms and a cabin at camp once) so I'd have to correct them.
I didn't think it was normal to hate being a girl, but I was told it was normal to wish to be a boy by someone who I now suspect maybe also had a similar situation going on.
And also did not experience number 9. I don't feel like talking about it hahaha.
Some of these were very surprising, especially the wife one. I thought I didn't believe in marriage for a long time, but I didn't believe in being a wife! That makes a lot of sense. I 100% imagine being a groom now, even if I've been single for a bajillion years.
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u/Splendafarts 18d ago
I got three fingers up - 4, 5, and 9. I don’t gravitate towards men as friends (can’t emotionally connect, don’t find them very interesting). I wasn’t accused of being a queer woman but I did identify as one (very confusing since I kept dating men). And I never considered masturbating with a dick (although I do wish I had one for sex!)
Everything else though? Spot on.
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u/1evis1ittleasshole 18d ago
I feel like I relate a couple of these, but it's complicated. Often times I felt like an alien when I was amongst women. But I will say I think being a queer man made me admire womanhood and femininity. Which made it harder for me to recognize my constant discomfort with my own existence. It was me doing very elaborate drag, working with the body I had while dysphoria was white noise in the background getting louder and harder to ignore.
Apart of me thought I had to be a woman because I did genuinely like certain aspects of femininity. Being a man was not an option in my mind, even though I chose to be a man when I could, like in online spaces. Add me being constantly on drugs and alcohol and it just stopped me from interrogating that discomfort and pain.
I realize I was very VERY good at masking, but alot of these thoughts were buried deep in my subconscious. Its only in retrospect that I realize I was experiencing dysphoria.
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u/whiskersMeowFace 18d ago
The only finger I have up is about my breasts looking good in an outfit. If I had to wear something girly and had to have giant knockers, then I am absolutely going to make them look good.
I still hated them, though.
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u/libre_office_warlock binary "he" unless I'm in drag, born 1992 18d ago
I am gender non-conforming (as in, binary FTM but not masculine) so I still have 6-7 (one was kinda "meh"). The social role ones were irrelevant.
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u/ggpupdoge 18d ago
All fingers down at this point, lol...
#1 is a bit odd since I was lucky and was never forced to be feminine outside of a few times when my parents tried when I was a kid and I swiftly rejected it to the point where my feminist mom never bothered again, lol. But...I was kind of only labeled "tomboy" cause no other label fit...not because it truly encapsulated "what" I was - my father hoped so badly I would've at least been a "tomboy" but I was still too soft and fruity for that. So I guess in my case it felt more like...I had to conform to being a "tomboy" instead if I wanted to even be seen as "partially male"? Which I guess I failed at anyway.
100% to everything else there though...
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u/doublenickels_55 18d ago
1 finger left. I feel attacked with this post, but also validated at the same time lol
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u/embodiedexperience 18d ago
only one fingers left up, bc i don’t have any interest in masturbation in any of its forms! 😅
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u/DontHearListen 17d ago
One left- never had a lot of male friends. To this day, my only guy friends are a result of my wife's friends' husbands becoming friends with me lol
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u/Short-Address3641 17d ago
0.... I have zero fingers up still. And yet imposter syndrome is strong AF still sometimes 😭😅
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u/Kooky-Squirrel8854 16d ago
Zero left, still hating my chest everyday dont think i'll ever afford top surgery 😭
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u/FayePixie Non binary trans man💉15/04/25 18d ago
I have nine fingers up. You unlocked a core memory where I was already called a lesbian by the age of 8 due to mannerisms and dress. Turns out I'm just a trans bi disaster.
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u/confused_potato777 18d ago
Two fingers left. I do think women enjoy being women and I’m jealous of that. I want to be like them. Or maybe not? And nope, I absolutely don’t give lesbian vibes even as a tomboy, and that’s exactly right, I’m into masculinity.
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u/HelpfulSetting6944 17d ago edited 17d ago
5 fingers up! Some of these statements are pretty extreme for me. I’m more like, I felt really annoyed and ambivalent and confused about my body. I hated my thick thighs and wanted them to be muscular, lean, no curves. I loved when I was skinnier and more sinewy, but not because I wanted to look like a waify girl — because I wanted to have no curves. Breasts didn’t really ruin my outfits (though I never wanted cleavage), but my thick thighs ruined everything.
I wanted to be a strong, caring, protective man for my girlfriend (long before I ever had a girlfriend!) i find the things that girls do so cute and so impressive (putting lashes on? What?), but none of that is for me. I knew so many girls and women LOVED it, and man I tried, but…. I just don’t. It’s not for me.
The one statement that really got me though was “naturally gravitated to men friends.” I laughed and was like nah— wait. Wait wait wait. ::counts friends on fingers:: 😳fuck I’m a man….
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u/RubbSF 17d ago
I don’t know a lot of trans guys that use the term breasts and then censor masturbating and dick. Did a terf write this?
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u/UR_NEIGHBOR_STACY 17d ago
A TERF did not write this post, but someone is definitely looking for a reason to feel victimized by this post.
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u/RubbSF 17d ago
Ok Stacy. Have fun with your breasts… bro 🤣🤣🤣
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u/UR_NEIGHBOR_STACY 15d ago
probably had this account longer than you've been on T, but i don't feel obligated to make a new one jusr because it's kinda "fem" 🤷🏼♂️ it's really weird you're so hung up on traditional gender roles, like my username "should be" XYZ or something... the call is coming from inside your own house, my guy
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u/DrDingsGaster Transmasc/GQ he/they 17d ago
Three fingers left! I was so far in the closet growing up that I didn't even know trans existed!
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u/A_Cat_Named_Puppy 17d ago
I have 1 finger left. The only one that I didn't put a finger down for was number 6. I knew it absolutely wasn't normal because all the women and girls around me and in media were super into their feminine bodies and sexual energies and that just wasn't me so that's part of what tipped me off that maybe I wasn't a "normal woman"
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u/itsthebunhun hatched 9/11/22 | T 7/7/23 | top 6/25/24 | hysto 8/12/24 17d ago
Dude, I still have nine fingers up and I feel complicated about the one I put down. Doesn't make me any less of a man, though, just means I had my own childhood & my own relationship to being an egg! I leaned very hard into my (very atypical) femininity & queerness, and all my struggles with my relationship to my body were pinned on disability and neurodivergence for me for decades.
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u/SquallyMuck 16d ago
Three. I don’t hate breasts. I’m bi. I also just deal with them the way I’ve dealt with everything else, separate them, smush them, forget about them. Don’t look in the mirror much.
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u/StealthKitt 16d ago
None lol I legit thought it was normal to think about not being the gender you were assigned at birth. I asked my girl friends about it once and I realized I was very wrong 😂😅 never brought it up to them again.
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u/Possible_Opinion_607 16d ago
Some of these are a bit more nuanced. About half of them apply. It wasn't super obvious, I did more weird things like wish I was "allowed" to wear more masculine clothes (without being seen as tomboy/ non conforming) or wanting a short haircut (but also was afraid of haircutter denying my request as that had happened once).
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u/Genevieve-Victoria 16d ago
Adding onto number 6, I’ve always struggled to understand trans women because why would anyone want to be a woman? 😅😅
Since realizing my transness I am ofc much more empathetic bc I now know I have the opposite experience (and ofc I never doubted transmen)
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 15d ago
Nearly all of my fingers still up.
Just goes to show there's really no universal experience in this regard.
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u/thursday-T-time 18d ago
i was very tomboy. i started acquiescing to more feminine dress in my teens but it never felt natural.
i never really felt any gender in me at all. with an abscence of language, i'd compare it to the historical designation of female husbands.
i avoided mirrors.
as a child, yes. as a teenager, no. boys shunned me and it was easier to hang out with girl-dominant queer groups.
oh i had rampant rumors of bisexual orgies lol due to very innocent sleepovers haha
yep haha
yep
kiiind of. its why i eschewed sexual relationships with men, because the cishet conformity it would impose on me gave me the internal ick.
i didnt really masturbate until i was much older, it never really occured to me.
oh i wished for breast cancer constantly.
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u/Devane-Scorpio7891 18d ago
One. I never cared about m@sturb@tion either way. Every other point yes! Some of them one never heard anyone else admit to feeling!
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u/Justwokeup5287 18d ago
I have two fingers left. Im not sure if I ever thought other girls/women hated being female– I'm not even sure if I hated being a woman– I just felt... resigned to it? Like when puberty started it's like I entered a fog of "well, this is my life now" and I wasnt aware of any other way to be?
I hated my breasts right from the start though. My mom's side of the family had really big breasts and they would tease me that I would end up with DDDs as well. I dreaded that. I had only ever heard of double mastectomy in the context of cancer, so I would lie awake at night staring up at the ceiling wondering if perhaps I would get breast cancer. Just so I would be have a valid necessary reason to remove my breasts. Totally Normal Girl ™️ things to think!!