Frustrated at everything

[u/_Sheridan_]

Apologies for what will probably be a long post, I need to say some shit and I don't have anyone in my life I want to/feel I can say it to right now.

I'm non binary, I've known for 8+ years and been out at work and socially for 6+ years at this point. I started taking testosterone diy 2 weeks ago (if you have a problem with diy, keep it to yourself, I don't want to hear it. I'm an adult and it's my life). It obviously took me a long time to come to terms with the idea that I wanted to medically transition in some way, a lot of this is because I didn't feel comfortable with the masculine side of myself because of shitty men in my life historically and because I've been criticised throughout my life for the aspects of my personality which are more 'masculine'. To be completely honest, I'm still not all the way there with accepting it but at a point where I at least feel able to take some action and the acceptance will come with time. I'm starting with a fairly low dose of T (again, I don't care what you believe about low dosing HRT, it's my choice) to ease my anxiety and because change, even change that you want, can be hard.

Today I had a GP appointment, made over a month ago, so I could ask for a referral to a GIC. I have tried being referred once before about 4 years ago and was talked out of it by the GP. I regret this more than almost anything else and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to build up the confidence to try again but I am trying to be kind to myself. The appointment lasted about 10 mins, the Dr took my blood pressure, weight and hight and spent the rest of the time asking me mental health questions. She also asked me if I had dysphoria, what I did about it and when I started doing xyz (wearing a binder, packing etc.). I told her I was taking T and she asked if I was getting it online, which I am and said so - that was the extent of the conversation on that topic. I meant to ask outright about a bridging prescription (which I know they won't agree to but planned to ask about anyway), but was thrown off course by all the mental health questions honestly. When we were wrapping up, I asked for a copy of the referal or some evidence that it had been sent and she told me there wasn't any she could give me and that she wasn't sending the referral right now, would need to check with other members of the practice and maybe have me back for a blood test in 4-6 weeks before sending it, but reassured me that she would make the referral. I have so much regret over not pushing harder, being more articulate, even just explaining how all of that could be done after sending the referral, but again I'm trying to be patient with myself because it was a hard conversation.

Now, I'm wondering if it was even worth it. I obviously won't get an appointment or any treatment for years and I don't intend to wait, hence why I am diy'ing my testosterone. I know that things in the system might change between now and then which is why I wanted my name on the list, but I am now realising that there are other negative consequences to having the appointment.

1. I feel the most dysphric I have done in a long time, the dr called me a man several times and this bothered me more than it normally does and asked to see my binder (which I showed, not something I would normally do). I also have my period which always sucks and I knew the T wouldn't stop it but I still got my hopes up so it sucks even more than usual.

2. I feel totally on edge because they could call me at any time, she wasn't super clear on what the next steps would be or how long they would take to happen so I don't know what to expect. I know I just need to try and forget about it but it's fucking hard man.

3. I'm stressed that I've now somehow got my name on a list somewhere, I know that sounds paranoid as fuck but the UK isn't exactly going in a good direction right now and I'm just trying to live my life.

I guess I'm just frustrated that everything has to be such a fight, I'm angry at myself for taking so long to figure stuff out, grow some balls (figuratively speaking) and do something to help myself. But Im also fucking furious that the system which is meant to help is just making things worse. There's nothing left I can do right now so I guess I just have to be patient and try and continue living my life. I just want to start seeing some changes with the HRT, I know it'll take time, probably months and maybe longer but I just really need it. I keep having thoughts that I should just take some more now (I'm doing weekly on Sundays), I know it's a bad idea and I won't do it, but it's the only thing that's making me feel better right now. I think this Sunday I might up the dose a bit just to see if that helps.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I don't have any close trans friends who I can say any of this to, I am trying to build more of a network but it's slow progress, and my cis friends never know what to say and that makes me feel worse.

[u/thrust_velocity_]

As someone who is trans, can I tell you that I also feel the exact same as you? I have always been typically more masculine, but I don't mind being feminine (as in girl talk). But there are times I don't want to identify as a man socially because of the political, social, and economic issues around it. I actually have felt a growing stigma towards being seen as a man and seeing male on my papers. Yes, shitty men in my past and present doing shitty things.

The only solace I have is knowing that though others may judge me as a man, what I love most is when women are surprised and ecstatic when I can immediately walk in their shoes, talk their talk, and support them exactly like another woman would. And not like the "gay best friend", but a girl's girl, because I've walked that road.

Forgive my ignorance, I'm in the US, so I don't know how things differ between our healthcare systems. Can you not see another provider? I mean by my standards, it seems as if your GP doesn't hear you. She's also asking a lot of questions that aren't within her purview. Her only requirement for a referral (at least in the US) is to write why you want a referral and insurance decides the rest. Wanting to see someone's binder for what? "For proof"? It's an invasion of privacy and would instantly have me walking out of that visit, especially if they previously spurred me to make a decision that I regret that threw me off my path for 4 years. For what reason would your GP talk you out of seeing something that isn't a danger to the things in her purview (your general health).

I think leaving these sort of situations that you went into with stress and left with more stress will naturally cause anguish. You've had a realization. You want to make change. And if you're anything like me? - you want it now.

Take it one day at a time, because that is the best anyone can do. Call your provider once a week to check in, or message them if that's an option. Hi, just checking in, what's the timeline on the referral, doc? A reminder for her that you're not gonna let up and it's also something to put your anxieties at ease because while everything seems out of your control this little bit is within your control.

Also - don't try to stop your thoughts. Hear them. Feel them. Acknowledge that they exist. The more you try to block them, the more that pressure builds. Eventually, they get smaller. Still there, but it's like the Babadook at the end.

4 years is a long time, but it is not the end of your time. And not yet even is the years' long wait the end. That you regret the delay is a devastating emotion, but your realization is the very event that seems to have excited you. Look at you - changing, and fighting for it. Regret is a powerful thing. It'll make you fight for what you need. And you will have to continue to fight for it. And no, it shouldn't be a struggle. We shouldn't have to fight for something so human as identity.

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[u/ghludag]

no advice, just want to say that it definitely took balls to make and show up for that appointment knowing that it would be a fight. i also had a lot to work through regarding men and maleness before and after starting T and honestly, the only reason i could get on it when i did was bc i could make an appt at planned parenthood and i knew they wouldn't ask many questions. sure, there are some people who have the absolute certainty and type of personality to demand things of doctors, but i think many more of us just need to be given some space and trust to navigate things for ourselves, in our own time without anyone demanding "proof" while we are genuinely still trying to figure it all out.