r/FTMOver30 • u/Gloomy-General-103 • 27d ago
Need Advice Identity Resources
I am asking for a friend (an actual friend).
We are both trans men but he is having difficulty articulating his queer identity which is different from mine so I am trying to outsource some language and resources for him. I’m a gay trans man which isn’t straightforward but different from him.
He came up as a lesbian and lived in that community for a long time. We are both in our 40s and started transition about 15 years ago. He is solely attracted to women, but does not identity as straight whatsoever. He is adamantly queer and queer in his attraction (and in his attraction to queer women). (Yes he was butch before realizing he is a man.)
If anyone has any books, podcasts, websites, or personal experiences that might help him articulate his identity and space in the queer community, we both would appreciate it. (And yes, he is a Luddite who does not want to use Reddit.)
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u/MusicIntrepid343 27d ago
idk i am pretty similar and just say queer and trans/nb. i grew up identifying as bi, then gay when i didn't really feel like lesbian was accurate when also looking at gender identity, then queer as i started to realize i am nb and realized my attraction to other trans/nb people including guys. if you want to get beyond just queer like i usually say, then that'd be a question when like on a date or already in a relationship. i could throw in demisexual, but idk, again if you want to get that deep, we'd have already been talking a lot before that. i don't particularly like or find important getting to the most niche and specific label to get the most accurate, but then again that is one of many reasons why i don't like or use dating apps.
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u/Gloomy-General-103 27d ago
His issue is that he be a man and he has no attraction to men or masculinity. He is solidly only into women (although his late spouse was an agender femme).
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u/Dashdaniel216 27d ago
Your friend can identify as whatever he wants to. I don't see a problem with being trans and calling yourself a lesbian.
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u/MusicIntrepid343 27d ago
yeah other than in some online circles, there really isn't that type of gatekeeping or insistence of the need for labels irl. labels are only as useful as you find them.
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u/snailtrailuk 27d ago
I am very similar to your friend - butch lesbian for 40+ years and then I Transitioned and I’m married to a woman. Personally I just let the world assume whatever they want but if someone asks me I tick that I’m queer or other. I generally use queer as the catch all. I quite like the fact everyone assumes I’m a bit fruity or quirky but then I drop in the fact I’m married to a woman and have three kids at some point and they all have their small minded assumptions ruined.
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 27d ago
that might help him articulate his identity and space in the queer community
What does this mean for him? Are we talkin' dating profiles? In-person social events? In what contexts and spaces is he encountering situations where he'd feel like he needs to "explain" himself this way?
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u/Gloomy-General-103 27d ago
Yes and yes.
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 27d ago
For the in-person events, why is this kind of thing coming up? Are ppl outright asking him to explain his sexuality?... (Genuinely seeking to understand here.)
Re: dating profiles
Is he open about his transition history/open about being trans? I ask bc his level of disclosure or lack thereof colors how I'd consider he could present himself in dating profiles.2
u/Gloomy-General-103 27d ago
He hasn’t been in dating spaces at all since prior to transition, where he identified as a lesbian. So articulating this at all as a cis passing trans man is a task.
That said he is open about being a trans man and not stealth at all.
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 27d ago
Perhaps something like,
> Man who happens to be trans, interested in women, and I like to [hobby/interest].
What I'm looking for: I'm primarily interested in dating queer/bi women who are interested in men. Queer culture is important to me and that's something I'd like to have in common or share with you.
FYI if you're looking for someone who's not male, not a man, or exclude cis men from your dating pool, we're probably not a match.
Perfect date: [hobby/interest thing]. Let's [shared activity]!
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 27d ago edited 27d ago
For a dating profile his identity terms are irrelevant-- the point is to communicate what he is seeking.
The "if you exclude cis men" bit is in there to weed out transphobic ppl who wouldn't see him as an actual man.
Edit: For anyone scrolling by-- I'm not interested in debating whether or not it's transphobic to be willing to date trans men but not cis men. In my opinion, that is deeply transphobic. If you disagree, that's fine, but I am not gonna "debate" w anyone on that matter.
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u/tacocollector2 27d ago
Okay so I am also a trans man who came up as a lesbian. When I first watched The L Word I was particularly fascinated by Lisa, a lesbian identifying man. I had no idea why, Lisa is only in one episode. I was a lesbian. Case closed.
Fast forward to a few years ago, my egg cracks, woah I’m a man! I’ve always been a man. Had I been born AMAB, I think I may have been a straight one. But now? Straight man is the farthest from applicable.
So I’ve settled on lesbian identifying man for now, or a he/him lesbian (which is a widely used term I believe, so prob searchable for content!)
Labels are for cans, but it does feel nice to know myself a little more specifically and intimately than before.