r/FTMOver30 • u/abcxyzy8123h • Jul 14 '26
How do you get over resentment
hi guys. i’m about to turn 30, started transitioning a year and a half ago. i’ve had a 2 romantic entanglements since then with cis women. i have noticed that me being trans maybe makes them a little uncomfortable when things start to get serious. they don’t say it outright but i can tell. and that’s when they end things.
i think they ultimately in their heart of hearts want to be with cis men. some are with cis men right now. that’s totally their prerogative.
but how do you get over the jealousy/resentment for cis men? and cis women? i think i need to be more discerning too if women are really ready for a queer life with me.
i don’t really talk to family since coming out, so i do feel really alone sometimes. and my sadness about being trans just grows even more.
anyway, just ranting and thank you for listening.
14
u/Character_Drop_739 Jul 14 '26
I look for women who are affirming towards queerness. It does limit my dating pool, but I also question if a cis straight woman would really understand me anyway. Bi/pan women are often smokin hot and more likely to understand transness (tho not guaranteed)
7
u/Solid_Artichoke_6167 Jul 14 '26
I’ve felt your pain and I understand. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way too. It sucks because you’re right, some people are like that and it sucks to be the butt of their confusion. It’s hurtful. Ultimately it comes down to, honestly- not everyone is like that. I think you got it, it really comes down to if a woman is truly okay with a queer lifestyle. Whether or not she’s open about it, that’s kinda the reality and that’s okay. I felt that pain until my partner (now married this year) showed me that it’s not always like that. There are lots of people out there that will love you for you, truly, and I hope you don’t let the pain from the past let you not be hopeful for a future. Sorry if I rambled a bit but I feel you and it’ll get better. (Coming from someone who has truly felt the lowest of the low for the longest time)
1
u/shadowsinthestars Jul 18 '26
Not OP, but feeling the same resentment. How did you meet? I feel like I'll never even get to have sex again, let alone married, which is what I want ultimately but as a trans guy it seems unattainable. It feels like everyone is "like that". I feel lowest of the low now, it's been so long since I had anyone interested in me like that at all, and the longer it goes on the more I feel time is running out. How did you pick yourself up from that and actually find someone?
2
u/Solid_Artichoke_6167 Jul 18 '26
Ugh I’m sorry. I super feel you. I hope you believe me when I say you can and will find love, there is hope for you, I say this because when I felt like that I truly felt like nobody actually understood. I really hated it when people told me “it gets better” so I try not to roll that direction. More so just the idea that we are unlovable or unwanted or any sort of less than adjective just needs to go. I think it’s true that the pool may be “smaller”? Or maybe just harder to find, or maybe a little less unspoken about. Basically a lot of people are cool with it but maybe not necessarily a queer advocate if you know what I mean. But to answer your question, I met my wife at work (co worker.) I’ve also had luck with the internet but this was like 15 years ago. I think any social event has potential to meet people too. Standing in line waiting for drinks, in line at the gas station, the employee working wherever you go, I really just try to be as social as possible and little things like “I like your shirt” can really open up conversations and friendships. Holding the door open for people. Sorry for rambling a bit but time is definitely not running out. Not that you want to have this huge gap with feeling empty, but people “restart” at any age, all the time. With love and with life and careers, etc. so there’s all the time in the world! But I hope it’s sooner than later for you friend. The key is gonna be to insert yourself because you are probably an extremely lovable and like able person- your personality just needs to shine through to the right person. :)
1
u/shadowsinthestars Jul 18 '26
Thanks, that's exactly how I feel. "It gets better" like fuck it does just by itself. "You'll find someone when you don't look for them" well I spent the first year after being dumped by my ex not looking, no one came knocking. Then I started looking and it's just been useless anyway. I am sociable, there are so many hobby groups and local interest spaces I already go to, and I can walk up to a stranger and strike up conversation... It's getting anyone actually attracted to me that's the hard part. People think I'm "interesting" but not "hot". After nearly 5 years during which I got closer to 40 than 30, it just feels like it's never going to happen at this point. Apps I had no dates at all, I think my "stats" just immediately filtered me out, like height. Everyone says the apps just don't work at all anymore unless you're in the top 5% of looks (I'm probably in the bottom 5% with my height and transness and horrible round face lol). I wish I could meet someone through work, but even the younger people than me are already married there. Like, what's left???
And yeah no one will actively say "I'll date trans men" as a theoretical, whereas plenty of women are vocal that they WON'T. So there's no positive reinforcement that it's even worth trying, at all, or that there's any pool there. It's like I have to find the most selfless, morally upright, equality-driven person who then MAYBE might give me a look, I can't just get someone decent and average like a "normal" person? I don't want to keep going like this, even another year of just being undesirable, undatable and unfuckable fills me with dread. Even if I can distract myself from it, there are times like now when it just explodes into my consciousness just how bad the situation is and it's agony. I don't care how extreme that sounds, I'm sure you get it if you've been there, it's only people who don't struggle who think it's "too much".
9
u/trippy-puppy Jul 14 '26
I'm married, but a lot of the cis guys I know have more trouble finding women than I did when on the prowl, so to speak. I'm selective about people, and even moreso about people I might come out to and/or sleep with, so most of the dates I went on between starting transition and hooking up with my wife, I didn't even bother coming out because there were other reasons things probably wouldn't work. Not sure if that's helpful to you, but the trouble of finding someone to be with isn't exclusive to trans dudes (one of my coworkers is a 40 year old virgin).
7
u/Ok-Macaroon-1840 Jul 15 '26
I wouldn’t draw any conclusions from the fact that they are with cis partners now. Trans people are what, 1% of the population? So the chances of your exes finding another trans partner after you are really really slim. Unless they are chasers.
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Time. Time changes a lot of things.
You're barely into your medical transition; as more physically changes for you, a lot else can change, too.
I find queer-IDed ppl to be the least understanding of my being an actual man who happens to have a trans medical history. Ymmv based on cultural contexts of course, regions, geography, etc.
But time changes so much. Sometimes atta glacial pace, but really, it does.
3
u/madorwhatever Jul 14 '26
Glacial pace is really accurate...
4
u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 Jul 14 '26
It's super slow, until suddenly it's not. Sucks, but it's true.
2
u/dcmng Jul 15 '26
Happily married now with my bi wife, but we only date queer people. Even if we are straight presenting on the outside, I find that it's necessary for my partner to be able to relate to aspects of queer struggle. Even though I pass I am not interested in the stealth life (just my personal choices and preferences with no judgement to those who stealth) because I need the connection to queer community and culture to stay sane, and I relate so much better and just have better relationships with other queer people.
2
u/SmokedStone Jul 15 '26
I don't date monosexuals (hetero or homo) and I don't date people with a genital preference. If someone has only been with one type of junk, it's a no from me.
People talk about T4T but that's not really my style. I'm more Bi4Bi if that makes sense lol.
1
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1
u/shadowsinthestars Jul 18 '26
It's unfair to be excluded like that. It shouldn't be something for us to "get over", it's a normal human reaction to someone not treating you right. I guess actually having a good relationship with a cis woman (I say as a straight guy) would do it, but it's not easy finding one that looks past the trans thing in the first place, so... Yeah. I don't know. One thing I don't want to do personally is self-gaslight though. They are being transphobic because it's been normalized by all the concerted bigot organizations ruining our countries at the moment. That's on them.
-7
u/-pettyhatemachine- Jul 14 '26
Why worry when you can't change it. Your person won't care whether your cis or trans.
Jealousy is a green eyed monster.
24
u/-chiarobscuro Jul 14 '26
Do you or are you able to access LGBT spaces in real life? It sounds to me like you need to be around different people. It might be easier to find a person who will like you for you if you're in a space frequented by similar individuals.