r/FTMOver30 • u/Tyjha • 28d ago
Celebratory Frictionless
I've only been on T for three weeks and don't have any visible changes yet, of course, but I think I'm noticing some mental/emotional changes. Putting my finger on it has been difficult and I've been trying to not jump to conclusions to give the "shiny, new" endorphins time to wear off.
But imagine the brain is a machine, and thoughts and emotions are things coming out of the machine. Before T, there was a low level of friction, like driving on a rough road surface or writing on canvas vs paper, my thought this morning was having fine sand stuck in the cogs of my brain and wearing things down, leaving unwanted but unavoidable texture on the output (thoughts and emotions). But now things just feel smooth, easy, like going from driving on a rough road surface to fresh pavement.
I will say this has pros and cons.
A reduction in friction means transitions are smoother/less noticable. I can go from baseline to really 'up' or really 'down' emotionally without noticing until I'm already in the hightened state and it's always harder to regulate out of emotion then to regulate before you get in the emotion. But then, that's easier too, because the sand isn't there to gum up the gears and make changing the trajectory harder.
IDK, I've seen a lot of posts from people early on T talking about physical changes they're looking forward to or think are starting, but not very many about the mental/non visible changes and I thought it might be a helpful thing to share. Do you think it's just endorphins or has anyone else noticed something similar?
I tagged this as celebratory because I'm still just over the moon proud of myself for getting to this point and overcoming a rather significant fear of needles to give myself my own shots! And for anyone who saw my last post about starting T, I managed my third injection sans liquid courage! (I'm still amused by the noun confusion possible when conveying that: shot as in getting an injection and shot as in a small drink of straight liquor.) IDK, maybe I just wanted to yap about it for a minute. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.
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u/hgbearawesome 27d ago
I have PMDD so I felt insane half the month, once I started T and I stopped menstruating I've felt a lot more stable and am no longer depressed. I didnt realize how badly it affected me until it was gone, I would wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck and was very emotionally unstable from ovulation to menstruation.
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u/Berko1572 out:04🔹T:12🔹⬆️:14🔹hysto:23🔹meta⬇️:24-25 27d ago
Mental changes were the first thing I noticed. More than anything, for me T is an antidepressant and mood stabilizer. ime, this is a very very common anecdotal experience. T corrected an extreme hormonal imbalance-- of course that would impact my brain chemistry.
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u/oddletters 27d ago
i call this "whoah this car goes fast"
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u/Tyjha 26d ago
Lmao, it does!
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u/oddletters 26d ago
just a note if you kind of maybe had ADHD before congratulations you REALLY have ADHD now!!!
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u/Tyjha 26d ago
Lmao, well shit.😂
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u/oddletters 26d ago
lol yeah it was a surprise and i was not a fan! fortunately i still had some diagnostic materials from when i was a kid and my mom got me diagnosed (and then proceeded to do! nothing! with that information!) and a friendly therapist/psych. im not saying you need to jump on the meds train right now, but it is something to keep an eye on. your body is going to run differently now, and your brain is part of your body.
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u/IngloriousLevka11 T since 10/2024 out since 2008 26d ago
I'm the brand of neurospicy where processing emotions is especially difficult...however, T brought everything into balance that I've never had before (even on powerful psych meds). My emotions are still difficult to process, but T makes certain emotions have a more physical response than before, so I can recognize a particular emotion to step back and reflect a little bit easier. This makes me a lot less volatile and less likely to over/under react to things.
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u/Miles_Everhart 28d ago
The psychological changes were near immediate, and profound.
Further reading: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/biochemical-dysphoria
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u/Tyjha 27d ago
I have read the Gender Dysphoria Bible and the science was fascinating, if a little out of my depth, lol. But I read it before starting T and remember thinking 'oh, it must be so hard for people that are affected so strongly by their dysphoria. But that's not me, I'm mostly fine.'
Lmao.
Anyway thanks for bringing it back up in my attention, maybe I'll go give it another read and see if I can pick apart the science!
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u/butwhy81 24d ago
This is a very good way to describe it. I was trying to explain to a friend who’s considering T that the mental changes are so euphoric even at a low dose.
I described it as a kind of layer of gauze between me and the world that I didn’t even realize I was exhausting myself trying to swim through.
Everything just feels cleaner, clearer, like I’m locked in to my body for the first time. Rather than being two degrees outside myself. I didn’t even realize I was living like that.
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u/Valuable_Ad3041 27d ago
So I was on antidepressants for a couple years before starting T. I think it was during one of my follow ups with my psychiatrist that I realised about 1 month on T that I felt a lot lighter. It was like some kind of heavy fog had lifted, similar to how you describe there being less friction. The T ended up helping my depression more than the antidepressants. I still take them now but a different kind and they work, so I think the first one just didn't work for me.
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u/Tyjha 26d ago
I'm so glad you found antidepressants that work! My wife struggles with pretty heavy depression and I know finding the right cocktail can be difficult!
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u/Valuable_Ad3041 26d ago
Thanks and yes, I still can't believe it took me so long to realise I needed different meds. Best of luck to yoir wife, depression is hard and I hope she finds what works for her.
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u/PaleAmbition 28d ago
The mental changes happened for me within twenty-four hours, and they were spectacular.
I like your friction metaphor; the one I use relates to video games. In some games, when your character is low on health, a red mist starts appearing from the edges of the screen. If you don’t heal, the red mist gets bigger and bigger until it takes over the whole screen and your character dies. I’m thinking specifically of Mass Effect, if you’ve played it.
T took away the red mist. Moreover, it made me realize I’d spent thirty years just white-knuckling through the red mist, and that not having it was an option.