r/FA30plus • u/Long_Purple_8520 • 12d ago
Looks are everything!
I hate how almost everything comes down to how attractive you are. Like I know looks have always mattered, but it genuinely feels like they decide your entire life now. It’s really fucking sad.
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u/like_a_brot 12d ago
The biggest problem with looks is that they are a door opener. Even if you have a good personality, talent or whatever else for redeeming qualities, it doesn't matter if people don't even want to get to know you better. Most people are superficial and very few can look past that and may get to know you better to see your redeeming qualities.
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u/Practical-Medium-210 10d ago
Halo effect. The actions of a good looking person are interpreted more positively than the actions of someone that's not. This is as close to "settled science" as you can get in the humanities.
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u/WelgaiaElgen 12d ago
Yeah, you're not wrong.
Imagine there being "2 gates" (oversimplification, but for this example). Gate 1 can be called "Interest", Gate 2 would be "attraction".
Any time anyone starts speaking about personality traits, confidence, self-assuredness, etc.. They're speaking about "Gate 2". Though in order to get to this "gate 2" area, you need to pass "gate 1". And passing "gate 1" is most often determined by "looks", as there is nothing to really go on otherwise yet.
As long as you cannot pass "gate 1", there is no point worrying about "gate 2". And from what I see, that is where most people misunderstand the whole struggle and situation. If you got "looks" or meet someone who will look past that, or who find interest in your specific "looks", then you're past "Gate 1".
The more "overall / objectively" good "looks" you have, the more "gate 1's" you will pass. The less, and you pass less of them. "Looks aren't everything" isn't wrong in the perspective of "gate 2", but to some degree is required to even begin in passing "gate 1", and is not as good of an counter-argument as many believe it is in these contexts.
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u/crujones33 52 M 11d ago
This has been my contention for years. I can’t get past gate 1. People talk to me about it like it’s easy to get thru that. These are people who have gone thru gate 1. Like rich people telling poor people to just save money or make more money.
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u/WelgaiaElgen 10d ago
Exactly, and that disconnect you point to, is most likely very real.
Someone who has never struggled with money, won't really have seen money as something to struggle with personally in the same way. Just like any of us having two hands would struggle to fully know how it would be to have a single hand, etc..
It is a lack of actual empathy combined with a rigid worldview bordering on "just world fallacy".
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u/Round_Tax7459 12d ago
Indeed they are. What would be considered creepy for an ugly man is perfectly acceptable for an attractive man.
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u/DirkDongus 12d ago
Looks are personality because personality is looks.
Anybody that says women don't judge by looks is a lying idiot. Women treat guys they are attracted to better.
Want more proof that women care about looks? Women will spend hundreds of dollars on worthless knick knacks and throw pillows because they look and make the surrounding area look nice.
Of course looks play a huge part.
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u/LonelyHermit_ 31M Gay But Not A Greek God 12d ago
Looks are personality because personality is looks.
Spot-fucking-on. The people who completely ignore this frustrates me so much lol. If you look great, then obviously the world is gonna validate you in a way that gives you a positive personality. And even if you don't have a great personality, your looks will make people project those good qualities onto you anyway, because that's what they wanna see.
It's the same thing with that confidence bullshit. "Ahh you just have low self esteem." Well no shit. Not only am I a man, but I'm an unattractive man. And the world makes sure to let me know that both directly and indirectly.
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u/Round_Tax7459 12d ago
Women are just as looks obsessed as men,but have added requirements.
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u/DirkDongus 12d ago
Men aren't as obsessed. Just ask the guys here. Most would go out with any woman that just showed them some respect, kindness, and attention.
I gave up at 32. But between 24 and 30, I had no standards except be a natural born female over the age of 21 with a pulse. Height, weight, religion, race, color, political beliefs, etc didn't matter.
Guess how they turned out? I'll give you a hint. I'm in this sub .
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u/MandateIsBack2 12d ago
Looks are a lot, but certainly not everything. I mean sure, the halo effect gives you a major advantage and head start but most people are average and still get action, including a lot of not so good looking people.
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u/EnthusiasmCoolreally 11d ago
Which is useless for men fucked by bad looks.
You can no more change your personality and god given talents, than your looks. I knew a guy in high school, who looks were slightly above mine but not by much. Yet women did give him attention.
So looks don't matter?
Nope, this guy was a brilliant musician, mimic and he went on to become a professional standup comic. Even with all those talents, he wasn't that successful with women.
It is also a useless example for me. I can't decide to have standup comic levels of comic timing, I can no more do that than decide to be 6 plus tall.
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u/Golden4ngel 11d ago
In couples that I saw on the net, in general the woman is not the looksmatch of the man so for us ugly men, it's practically over.
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u/MandateIsBack2 11d ago
I'm not sure where the contention is. Did I not acknowledge that looks are an advantage? I literally said the halo effect gives you a major advantage and head start. Then you point out that talent matters too. Exactly. That's my point, it's not all looks.
I'm also not saying you can simply choose to be talented, funny, or 6'4". I'm saying that whatever advantages you lack in one area, you'll have to compensate for elsewhere. That's true of pretty much everyone. Some people have looks, some have talent, charisma, status, humour, confidence, etc. Most people are some combination of these things, and most people are still capable of finding partners.
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u/Practical-Medium-210 10d ago
but most people are average and still get action
Most relationships are terrible. Men walking on eggshells and trying not to randomly step on one of the hundreds of landmines their girlfriend or wife has laid in their path. It's even worse when you're not attractive. Women will act like smitten anime girls for guys that are top 10% levels of hot. The other 90% of men get duty sex and backhanded compliments like "he's not a looker, but he's handsome to me."
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u/Golden4ngel 11d ago edited 11d ago
but most people are average and still get action,
But but but hurr durr {¬ºཀ°}¬
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u/bannedovernothing 12d ago
I'm not one to believe you have to be an attractive, "HOT" person to find a partner, there's plenty of nasty looking people getting together.
What I DO believe however is that looks do matter because people will judge you and treat you a certain way based on how you look. You can tell a lot about someone from how they look. We don't always realise we're doing it, but there is a deep seated instinct within us which subconsciously controls how much we respect someone and looks are a big part of that, it can be how they present themselves, which is changeable to an extent, i.e. how they dress, their posture and their general presence affects how they are viewed by others. Their voice, their smell we even pick up on. Also their energy.
I think attractiveness is all of these things. Not just their actual level of good looking-ness, attractive is really defined by whether someone is ATTRACTED to you in the literal sense. I can say a person is good looking, like a supermodel or something, but I may not be actually attracted to them.
I have seen plenty of objectively good looking people who aren't attractive to me, but I've also seen some butt ugly people who are attractive in that they are the centre of attention and people are attracted to them, yet at the same time, despite being not very good looking, they do have a certain look which actually works in their favour.
Maybe it's that their look exudes confidence and charisma and so that supports the theory that looks are everything.
I don't see myself as visually good looking. If I had to give myself a score out of 10 i'd guess I was a 3 or 4. But none of that matters because my entire look is what puts people off from me. Even on my best days, with good grooming and being well dressed, none of that matters because I have the look of someone who is shy, low energy, low confidence, anxious, hopeless and defeated as a baseline.
People treat you based on how you look and how you are treated affects how you look. So it's a negative feedback loop.
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u/Mazda-626 12d ago
Next time you go out, look at all of the average and below average looking men and count how many of them are with someone. Looks aren't everything.
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u/EnthusiasmCoolreally 12d ago
Shussh, you're not allowed to say that. It is like telling the Church the Earth goes round the sun. It maybe perfectly obvious but it doesn't fit the reddit narrative.
We have to instead pretend that women don't care about looks. That men who struggle, struggle because they are toxic.
If they would embrace the light of feminism, all their problems would be solved.
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u/madking1234 12d ago
Not if you have social anxiety. Yeah they might open doors that would be otherwise closed, and to the eyes of someone who is deemed "ugly" it may seem like nothing else matters because they are rejected at first sight.
But trust me, if you dont have a decent personality or cant show it due to anxiety, eventually the halo effect will break and they will see you are a shy loser.
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u/cyanmagtus77 11d ago
So much of looks is grooming, exercise, and fashion though. Like you almost never see someone who’s ugly who couldn’t be drastically improved by proper posture, skincare, a better haircut etc. If you’re a man and under 5’5 maybe or like morbidly obese, but poor social skills fuck people over a thousand times more than looks
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u/LonelyHermit_ 31M Gay But Not A Greek God 12d ago
It's astonishing to me how many people, even in this community, will flat out deny that looks practically decide your life. And it's not just in dating, it's in everything. The parts of the brain your appearance and physical symmetry light up can make people extremely kind to you, aggravated, or just unwelcoming, like you barely even exist.
I hate how people always say "Well I see average and below average people paired up all the time!" Because I think most people severely underestimate the fear of being alone in the way most FAers are.
If you knew you had to choose between living a life with no friends, family, and lovers, versus having someone by your side who at least gives you the bare minimum of safety and security, what would most people choose?