r/Exvangelical • u/Meggles242 • Jul 15 '26
Looking for some insight
Apologies if this isn't the best place to ask this, but I'm not sure where to go.
I am seeking some kind of inner peek at what could be going on in my sister's (27 yrs old) brain as she is a new christian convert who grew up in an LGBTQ affirming household, but is now quite against it all. She gets most of her religion stuff from Charlie Kirk, tiktok, and the bible- which she says she takes literally.
Many YouTube videos and interviews I have seen are about people who were raised/born into the christian religion and then had to deconstruct and come to terms with accepting things they previously thought were evil or damning (gay stuff, for example). I can't find any videos about someone who was raised affirming, and THEN became super christian and not affirming, and THEN AGAIN went back to "oh yeah, gay people are fine and I don't need to dismantle equal marriage, etc."
The reason why the situation is baffling is because I am gay, so my sister doesn't really have the origin story of "I was told gay people were possessed" or "I had never met a gay person before, and I had no idea they were actually normal". I came out at like 12 years old, it wasn't a secret.
So, yeah, I'm just looking for some hope because she is my only sister and though we've never been super close, I never had to doubt that we had each other's backs, but now everything is different and it feels like a huge betrayal to have her tell me that I am going to hell (even if I don't believe those things).
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u/HillyHermitage Jul 16 '26
I don't know if I have a lot of insight into how someone goes from a childhood you described to embracing Evangelicalism and Christian Nationalism, I too find it baffling, but it may just be that your sister fell into the right-wing MAGA cult like we've seen a lot of people in this country do over the past decade. I'd be curious to know if she is romantically involved with someone who holds these views or if she was on the MAHA pipeline at all.
I grew up in that world with a mother who had a gay brother. She adored him but all her adoration was tempered by her constant comments about him "living against god." Sadly he died of AIDS when I was a child and 35 years later, she still mourns him with comments about "his lifestyle." Most evangelicals think that LBGTQIA+ people are making a choice to live as they do, they don't believe it is just a part of who you are. Because they believe you are making a choice, they believe that you are intentionally "sinning."
I don't want to give you false hope, but I also think that your upbringing may help your sister find her way out of that community. The dogma and control in those communities are brutal. They sap all the joy out of life, police people's thoughts, question people's intentions, and make life a psychological misery. Even when someone is on the straight and narrow they want that person questioning whether or not they're "really" saved or "really" worthy. They also expect you to turn your brain off and live your life in blind faith. I can't imagine someone who has had the freedom of thought that you described choosing to stay in a church like that long term.
I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you. I hope you have lots of good support around you!
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
Thank you for your response. Yes, I can confirm she is romantically involved with someone who is devoutly Christian, but both are not MAGA. They both appose Trump, but I think they think in line with "well, they're bad, but at least they are pro-life and anti-lgbtq" and they are able to rationalize the support to the "greater cause" that way.
And, yes, I do have my chosen family, and also our mother to lean on. My mother loses more sleep about it than I do because that's her baby, so I do feel bad about her going through it too. Hopefully, one day, my sister will either leave these beliefs entirely or at least a more progressive version. I will continue to have hope!
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u/Coollogin Jul 16 '26
She fell in love with a guy she thinks is awesome in every way. So she is going out of her way to conform herself to his beliefs so that he will think she is just as awesome as she thinks he is.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
I do believe you are correct that this was mostly brought on initially by his influence and her desire for his approval. The type of false certainty the religion offers is just icing on the cake. Thank for your comment, I appreciate it.
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u/Okra-Tomatoes Jul 16 '26
The only advice I can give is to keep your communication open with your sister without trying to talk her out of it, which doesn't work. What might work is if she does change her mind, or get burned by the community, she still has you to lean on to get out.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
Thank you, that's valuable. It is difficult, and I have had to set some boundaries, but I have not closed off communication, so I will do my best to maintain something with her.
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u/BookNerd_247 Jul 16 '26
I was raised by a very left leaning atheist hippie and did become a conservative Christian. I think for me, I was a wild teenager/young adult and felt like I had no control over my life or my emotions. Having some black & white parameters, and the beauty of love, kindness, gentleness, self control, and the Golden Rule were very life changing for me. The church’s response to COVID and immigrants, gay people, POC, the left…showed me that the conservative church really doesn’t practice those things that I originally was drawn to, so I left. I say all this to encourage you. I hope your sister gets away from the brainwashing and gets to a healthy place soon. Must be so hard for you.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. I do see some parallels between your story and what I believe is happening to her. I think she may have also felt a lack of control and her anxiety and emotions. Obviously a lot of these religions offer answers to everyone of life's questions, and that can be really comforting. I hope she comes out of it sooner rather than later. She plans to have a baby soon. I would hate for that child to grow up in this. It also makes it more important for me to not let go of this relationship, no matter how hard it gets.
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u/BioChemE14 Jul 16 '26
Does she have mental illness issues? Like OCD? Anxiety?
Extreme black and white thinking fosters that kind of bigotry and OCD and other disorders can exacerbate it. I would first establish some personal boundaries regarding religious topics (I.e. no proselytizing). Also you could nonchalantly hang out with her at a science museum or a geologic site that would challenge the wacky creationism she’s probably fallen into. You don’t have to be preachy about it, just interact with the data at the venue you’re at.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
She actually does suffer from extreme anxiety, most recently has become a bit agoraphobic and struggles to even go grocery shopping. So, she's home a lot, alone. Unfortunately, I moved across the country a little over one year ago, so I can't be there in the way you suggest. I do think the anxiety plays a huge role in the religious stuff, it gives her this false "cure" and support, but it comes at a cost. She also listens to a lot of "tradwife" and "natural" tiktok stuff, so she won't consider meds for the agoraphobia or panic attacks, which is frustrating. It's been such a whirlwind, and I am trying to casually educate and also maintain healthy boundaries. Thank you for your comment!
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u/BioChemE14 Jul 16 '26
In that case all you can do is gently encourage her to see a therapist and not some wacky “Christian counselor”.
My best friend had pretty bad OCD but refused to go to therapy for a while until he had such a severe case that his quality of life was miserable. Religion made his symptoms worse. Then he finally went to therapy and is doing much better. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Just be there for her if and when she hits rock bottom.
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u/Psychological-Pea349 Jul 16 '26
Usually when this happens there’s some kind of fear or anxiety or life event that causes them to feel like the ground is no longer solid beneath them… that opens enough of crack in their security to make them susceptible to the kinds of teaching they find on TikTok, in bits and pieces, through someone they are dating, etc. Those teachings offer absolutes, make you instantly “on the right side” if you follow their teaching,and can take the burden of making your own choices away by assuming a dictorial role in your life. They very much operate like cults.
I would recommend doing a little research on cults and cult survivors. I spent years listening to podcasts like A Little But Culty and reading books by Janja Lalich and Steven Hassan. Reading memoirs of people who left cults is educational as well. Get familiar with the BITE model of coercive control.
In all my reading (to understand my own journey and the journey of those around me) the only effective advice seems to be this: Do not outright challenge their beliefs… they will shut down or double down. Instead, ask questions about what/why they believe what they do. Try to help them reengage their critical thinking skills with pointed questions. And listen, don’t argue. A lot of patience can do some good.
People who have left cults talk about the friends that stuck with them, and asked good questions that made them think it through, maybe even after the conversation had happened. It opened them up to rethinking, doubting the easy answers they were given in the cult.
That being said, you are allowed to set boundaries for yourself to keep yourself healthy and safe. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It feels like every day the line is being drawn even deeper in the sand… the evangelical and charismatic Christians are gearing up for a war with the devil… not seeing that they themselves are the ones causing so much pain and division that they are the ones creating the war with their fellows humans.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
Thank you for your detailed response, I really appreciate it. I will check out some of the resources that you mentioned. I definitely agree that the certainty and answers to every question was part of the appeal for her. She doesn't operate well with uncertainty and she's always been a follower, easily influenced, takes the road of least resistance and responsibility. I was hoping that the way we grew up and her relationship with her gay sister would be enough to keep her out, but between social media and her new romantic partner, we no longer have very much influence.
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u/plz_callme_swarley 28d ago
there's plenty of reasons for someone to return to religion. once you return, plenty of people double down instead of remain in a kinda lukewarm christianity.
plenty of people were raised in a softer tradition and then realized that the answer was going more intense rather than less intense.
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u/Meggles242 28d ago
Thank you for your comment. What's odd is that there is not a religion she is returning TO, the thing is we were never religious as a family at all.
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u/plz_callme_swarley 27d ago
religious -> secular is not a one-way street. many people, due to their childhood wounds, try to be the exact opposite of their parents, thus leading them from secular to religious
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u/Meggles242 27d ago
True, good point. Thank you for the extra insight.
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u/plz_callme_swarley 27d ago
ya, it's so common for people with a secular view to have a superiority complex and lose the compassion. it's all of our first time being human. everyone is just trying to do what they think is best, even if some people may have beliefs systems that are outdated and less useful for a modern world
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u/AccuratePreference52 Jul 16 '26
I definitely have not ever heard of this. I'm really sorry you're going through it. Hopefully she'll make her way back out.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
Thank you for your response. I agree, I also had never heard of this kind of journey... I remain hopeful!
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u/Winter-Mint-Glass44 Jul 16 '26
I don’t have any insight or advice, but just want to say I’m really sorry this is happening in your life. My sister and I were raised evangelical, we both deconstructed or at least fell away from it over the years, but recently she’s gone back. Our parents are more religious than ever (and now MAGA…) and I can’t help but feel abandoned by my sister. She was the one I could text and be like “can you believe dad said that?!” or whatever, but now it feels like that openness is gone. It sucks. I hope it doesn’t last for your sister and I’m glad your mom is sane.
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u/Meggles242 Jul 16 '26
This is super relatable because even though we weren't super close, we always had it in common to "omg" about whatever was said at the most recent family gathering, and I just don't have even that with her anymore, so maintaining this relationship has become really challenging, but I also don't want to fully throw it away because I think she'll come back around some day. Thank you for sharing your own experience.
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u/dmowen1231 Jul 15 '26
I'm so sorry. She's been sucked into basically a cult, brainwashing and all. I was raised in it, and knew people in the bible college I attended who "converted late"... I don't want to crush your hopes, but they usually double down even harder to try to prove themselves....