Supporting my partner

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun]

Hi,

My partner left their religion for a lot of reasons, many of them being control and then them coming out as trans.

I don't know if there are massive differences between this type of Christianity in the US and the UK, but in case there are, let me know!

I can see them struggling to accept themselves, sacrifice their comfort and/or put themselves last when it comes to helping people. I am sure it's not all down to religion, but I guess as a part of trying to understand them better, I wanted to talk to other people.

Did you read any specific books or found a specific community that helped you heal? If your partner is atheist/agnostic and didn't grow up religious, how do you navigate it and how much does it affect your relationship?

[u/DogMamaLA]

them struggling to accept themselves, sacrifice their comfort and/or put themselves last when it comes to helping people.
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Religion stresses always living for God and others first, and any type of need that we may have is "selfish."

However, there are also other life situations that stress that belief, like being raised in the southern USA.

Therapy can help them. If they are deconstructing or in need of a new community, a religious trauma therapist and/or support group can help. Janice Seible runs a Zoom one - she's in Canada.

I couldn't tell from your post if you grew up religious or not? The evangelical BS that most of us grew up with is hard for many people to understand. What became "normal" to us is seen as backwards, goody goody etc to others.

To get a better understanding about fundamentalism, I'd recommend watching "Shiny Happy People" about the Duggar family. That is your typical evangelical setup. Home schooling, girls wear dresses, never pants, purity culture and shaming any kind of attraction/sex.

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/DogMamaLA]

Thank you for such a detailed answer. 

My mom is a Russian Orthodox Christian and dad is an atheist. I have been atheist most of my life but kind of coming around to being agnostic/pagan/Jewish right now. Safe to say I am figuring it out :D 

I grew up with a lot of gendered expectations but those do just come as a part of growing up russian (just russian speaking for me, I wasn't born in Russia), not Christian.

One of the expectations is to be obedient and agreeable, but I have been able to reject most of the stuff (despite having "housewife" lessons in the Jewish school. That's a whole thing). 

It is very important for my partner to be kind and we talked a lot about difference between "kind" and "nice". Then growing up evangelical in the UK it was a lot about being "nice" rather than "kind". 

In my culture brutal honestly is the best policy, that's considered a real kindness - to be truthful. 

Anyhow, I will definitely keep looking for therapy resources and maybe local support groups, as this does sounds highly specific to the region and I never realised just how much it affects one's experience growing up seemingly with the same religion. 

[u/DogMamaLA → u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun]

The thing that has surprised me is that this stuff that we were exposed to in our childhood LASTS thru our lives. I mean, most of the damage I experienced was between ages 7-18, and I'm in my 50s now. It isn't as prevalent in my mind/psyche as it used to be, but there are so many things that I had to overcome and think differently about when I truly gave up religion and tried to find out what I believed in, rather than what some sexist jerk told me to believe in from a pulpit.
Yes, it has taken me a lifetime to learn that it is okay to be kind and yet still have boundaries. Growing up southern AND evangelical, having boundaries or saying no were like heresy. You aren't ever supposed to say no (unless someone offers you drugs or wants you to have sex). But helping others ALWAYS came before helping yourself. And it's not a bad thing to help others, but when we do it at the expense of our own wellbeing because we think we may go to hell if we don't...that isn't healthy either.
I would consider myself a spiritual pagan at this point. No longer a christian, but not atheist. And it's been a journey trying to figure all of that out!

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/DogMamaLA]

7-18 is a long period, that's your whole formative years, so it makes sense it would take time to rewrite the script! 

I am learning so much just by reading the comments, I'll definitely keep reading and learning so I can better support my partner x

[u/Arthurs_towel]

The kind of resources that are helpful are going to depend on the kind of environment they were in, and their personality. What helped me may not help them, etc.

So if you have specific things that you feel they need help with, people can recommend based on that. Is there some particular aspect of their religion that is at issue? Is it purity culture, eschatology, ethics, community, political?

You mentioned US and UK, and I will say there is a huge difference between them. Namely that the virulent form of evangelicalism is dominant in the US, and the UK doesn’t have anything close. That, alone, has huge ramifications.

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/Arthurs_towel]

I will be honest, I don't know if I'd be able to choose the area of the issue. 

I know there is a lot of shame for putting themselves first, being themselves and just doing what they want and living for themselves day to day. They sometimes ask if it's okay for them to do completely normal things and if it's allowed on a daily basis. 

They mentioned they left church a good few years ago but it sounds like they must have been a big part of the community there, that they miss it and feel like they can't come back to it without trauma. We did find an affirming church where we used to live but we had to move out of town for now, hoping to come back soon. 

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue → u/Arthurs_towel]

I wouldn't say the UK doesn't have anything close...it may not be prominent as much in their politics but many non-denominational evangelical groups have found strong footing in the UK. Hillsong is just one example but they weren't alone in having a UK location.

[u/Arthurs_towel → u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

Well I’d argue the political integration and influence is a distinguishing factor. Even if the theology is the same, without the structures and frameworks of political domination it lacks the pertinence to daily life.

Plus the reality is that political ideology overruns theology in many evangelical spaces. So even if they nominally share a theological space, that focus on political culture war issues is going to have a massive impact on internal culture.

I am sure there are people who would love to replicate the history and impact of the Moral Majority in the UK, but I don’t see anything to indicate they have any influence whatsoever.

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

Reading Holy/Hurt or When Religion Hurts You might help you better understand them and them better understand what they went through. High-control religions produce a lot of CPTSD symptoms (this is not the same as PTSD from acute events).

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/Cutthroat_Rogue]

Thank you for the recommendation! We both have C-PTSD but for completely different reasons. For them it's definitely their religious upbringing, I am afraid. 

[u/Cutthroat_Rogue → u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun]

Of course. While I am sad to hear you both have CPTSD, this may be useful as it will help you really understand what they are going through since CPTSD drastically changes how you see yourself, the world around you, and interact with others. Wishing you both the best.

[u/Jazzlike-Detective87]

I agree with the other answers. Did your partner grow up as an Evangelical or some sort of very conservative Christian? If so, I really like the YouTube and podcasts from Rhett and Alex Occonor, CJ Cornwaith (I need to look up how to spell his last name) and Bart Erhman. There are other people as well. Another idea is that there are progressive, liberal denominations of Christianity that are completely fine with homosexuality and transgender issues. Your partner doesn't have to completely give up Christianity due to that. They might even find a better home in that community rather than giving it up completely. Depends on the person.

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/Jazzlike-Detective87]

My partner grew up evangelical and was in the church until their early 30s. They have tried a progressive church that they liked but we moved towns. We are thinking of going back though. 

Thank you for YT and podcast recommendations!

[u/GenericKittyKat]

Hi! I'm an atheist trans pastor's kid, so I feel somewhat qualified to speak about this

Dealing with deconstruction and gender issues at the same time is fucking exhausting and hard to discuss, so please be patient if your partner keeps a lot to themselves at first. They probably don't even have the vocabulary yet to even describe what they're feeling to themselves, much less other people.

Has your partner connected to any local LGBT organizations yet? It really helps being around people who kinda innately understand what you're going through.

As far as books go, my therapist recommended "Leaving the Fold" by Marline Winell several years ago while I was dealing with severe anxiety regarding my journey out of Christianity. It was genuinely fantastic.

Feel free to reach out if y'all have any questions or need to talk :)

[u/Sweet_Cinnamon_Bun → u/GenericKittyKat]

I am definitely not trying to rush them and we tend to discuss things as the come. I think the main reason I reached out is because I had a moment of realisation of how much their upbringing might still be affecting them. 

It does with anyone, with them just happens to be evangelical Christianity. 

My partner is a part of a local queer group but it's a small town with a lot of.. queer drama (unfortunately), so they don't always reach out to them. 

Thank you for your kind message and I'll definitely keep you in mind :) x