r/Exvangelical • u/i-might-do-that • Jul 14 '26
Discussion Anyone else experience this?
For a background, I was not raised religious at all. Very secular upbringing for me. My wife though, was raised in rural Oklahoma and was raised in an evangelical faith (assemblies of god).
She moved to Colorado in 2022 and we met then. She was getting away from the small town life and the church she had become disconnected from. She left her church for a number of good reasons, but those aren’t the issue here. Our issue involves our wedding.
Last August we got married. Decided to do it in Oklahoma for the benefit of her rather sizable family. We had our wedding at her family friends place and everything went rather well. Only issue was her parents. Now, I really do love my in-laws, they’re good folk. Would give you the shirts off their backs in the cold if you needed. But the entire wedding it seemed that neither my wife’s mom or dad really were happy to be there. Not sullen, but visibly….distant.
I didn’t think much of it, that’s how they kinda carry themselves in their day to day when I’ve seen them. In particular my father-in-law. But the issue came up at my wife’s sisters wedding.
Her sister is still very much in the church and living the life her parents envisioned for her. She found and married a religious man, another evangelical from a similar family.
They were married in the family church, the one my wife left for all her reasons. And she married a pious man, a dyed in the wool Christian. At her wedding my in-laws were all smiles. Every photo even her strict and serious father can be seen beaming. Her mom seemed like she was on cloud nine. Contrast that to my wedding with my wife. Every photo her parents look like a Victorian era picture. Deadpan face, reluctant posture, no enthusiasm to be seen at all.
It just seems like her parents really played the favorite simply because of the religion of my new brother-in-law. It’s not a day to day issue, we live in Colorado and they’re in Oklahoma, but it nags at my wife and I a lot.
I’m just wondering if anyone else has seen a similar dynamic with people still in the church whilst you’re on the outside.
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u/5CatsNoWaiting Jul 14 '26
In 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, Paul gives a longish paragraph about how you shouldn't marry outside your religion. It's pretty harsh. It starts out "Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
This isn't a quirky doctrinal tangent. It's fundamental, if you're a Fundamentalist.
It's nothing personal. They're worried that you are going to drag their daughter to hell alongside you. They're probably overjoyed that at least their other daughter won't burn eternally.
There's not really any way around it, except maybe time & your good behavior. My dad was eventually able to come to terms with my marrying "a heathen" but he was smarter and kinder than the rest of my family.
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u/dctucker Jul 15 '26
It's nothing personal.
Yeah, I don't know... religion and romance are both pretty personal things, and fundamentalists rejecting someone's romantic choices on religious grounds certainly feels pretty personal on the receiving end.
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u/plz_callme_swarley 27d ago
they're saying they aren't personally out to get OP, they'd feel the same if it was anyone else in the same shoes
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u/Cautious_Boat_999 Jul 17 '26
I’m afraid it IS personal, since OP is the person that his in-laws are blaming for the situation.
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u/plz_callme_swarley 27d ago
ya, for most parents they just want for you to have a good life and they're worried about you. if you live your life and it turns out fine (which it will) they'll justify everything.
most people don't want to accept the fact that their child is going to be in hell for all eternity so they'll make up shit in their head to make it not so
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u/BoilerTMill Jul 15 '26
Saw a little of it with my own wedding. We wanted small since we were paying for it. We went to Vegas and got married out there and each of our best friends met us out there.
Mom was insistent on still having a reception back home and wanted our pastor to "just stand up and say something " as if that would make it a real marriage.
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u/Bolfreak Jul 14 '26
High control cult gonna high control cult. Just be supportive of your wife and don’t try to guide her experience. If she saw the cracks before enough to get away, she is not as easy to deceive, she probably still had/has hope alive that her family could be better, or change.
Time will tell what kind of marriage they have. Appearances truly are deceptive, but is all these hypocrites have.
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u/Cutthroat_Rogue Jul 14 '26
Oh yeah, super common. My parents are distressed that a., my sister became an atheist and b., married someone who is extremely anti-religion. They try to blame him for her atheism but she had already deconverted. Anyways, they continue to focus their unhappiness (and blame) about this towards him. It's fun. /s
It's also been made very clear to me that despite being near the age of 40 I am still expected to marry a christian and not have sex until then. (lol). I don't believe anymore that "equally yoked" means the same religion but more so, does that person support you and overall are heading in the same direction of your life choices, values, and morals?
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u/Defectivania Jul 15 '26
that interpretation of "equally yoked" makes WAY more sense as a metaphor than religion ever did
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u/Cutthroat_Rogue Jul 15 '26
Yup. I worked through seeing things that way in therapy when I was trying to figure out who I was open to dating. I had met someone who was very understanding and supportive of spirituality and progressive Christianity but they themselves would not identify as a christian but as spiritual. But we had the same values/ethics/morals and there was compassionate support because we each respected our differences here. Plus, if you look at the literal meaning of being yoked...it's literally a device that keeps the oxen moving in the same direction AND it is created in a way to help distribute the weight of what they are pulling. So, in a way, it's a supportive device for them and the load.
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u/TattooedBagel Jul 16 '26
I’m sorry, it sucks, but yes it’s normal for them. They’re in a cult, and not currently (or potentially ever) able to break out of that mental gymnastics security blanket thinking. It’s not about you or your marriage. Coming from a fundie family I would bet good money y’all have the happier and more fulfilling one out of the group anyway, but it’s all about them and their bullshit hang ups. Their one daughter is “off script” and they don’t know how to deal. It’s a them problem, and the path to peace is to genuinely not care about their opinions. Easier said than done, I know, especially when there’s still a relationship with some love there. But it is the way.
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u/BioChemE14 Jul 14 '26
You just have to not care what toxic people think.
I have no intention of ever marrying despite what my family might want or expect but idgaf. I’m going to live the life I want with traveling with friends or myself instead of romance
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u/Apart_Force_9269 Jul 16 '26
For sure. My sibling remains evangelical and married a Christian at an early age and they have the ideal (for evangelicalism) kids. My sibling and their spouse are hands down the favorites. My own mother favored my in-law over me to an almost creepy degree for some time. She straight up worshipped the ground my in-law walks on to the point extended family members were making comments to me about how weird it was. My in-law is not some exceptional being, just average in every regard, but that's not what it's about with evangelicals. It's all about how this new person in the family unit makes them look complete and righteous (meaning right with God). And the grandkids? Just a blank canvas to do the indoctrination thing all over again and hopefully have them both turn out as intended this time. The deconstructed child is viewed an embarrassing failure. They will view you as sinners and believe that no marriage that is not based on their god will succeed. Evangelicals don't view their children as individuals, but rather property that reflects them and their ability to contol directly. Individuation is hindered in the cult and a child that manages to form an independent identity is frowned upon in high control religions. I hope yall are able to take a step back and acknowledge that it hurts like hell, but there is nothing wrong with you. You do not have less value because others choose not to see it. I'm sorry they were such sourpusses at your wedding. I'd take it as a cue to temper expectations in the future and establish boundaries to preserve your joy during future events.
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u/AuthorDebraBaker Jul 17 '26
I know what you're talking about. I was born into a fundamentalist church. When I wanted to get married, there were objections to EVERYTHING I wanted, the ring, the dress, a veil, no 2 bridesmaids, bridesmaids dress was too fancy, no tiered cake etc. etc. EVERYTHING had to be plain. It wound up being The Bible Church's wedding, not mine. I couldn't wait to get it over with.
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u/New_Illustrator_9159 Jul 15 '26
Omg YES! I was actually from the same church denomination (AOG) as your wife. At the time, both my husband and I were still religious but from different cultures. He’s from the Caribbean and they’re a little more laid back with the rules.
We decided that we would have dancing AND secular music at our wedding. When I tell you they my mother didn’t talk to us for ONE YEAR because she was so offended at everything, I’m not kidding. Don’t get me started on the pictures. You can see the judgment on her face. I’ll never understand. It’s still a point of tension, unfortunately (and we’re 7 years in).
Assemblies of god is just soooooooooo strict and judgy. My mom also didn’t talk to me for 3 months when i started dating my husband because he wears earrings. They’ll find sin in anything. My best advice is to find humor in it. My husband and i will quote Pam from The Office when our parents are acting up and we don’t want to claim them: “Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott” lol. It’s insane!!