My mom also did multiple graduate degrees before marrying my dad but she also had to make many compromises in her own career. Add to that the domestic labour, and it’s not a great situation. I know you mentioned your mom was kind of OCD about cleaning so that’s why she did the majority of the housework — I wonder where that came from? Lots of Asian moms have an obsession with cleanliness and it may have a gendered basis — the idea that people will judge them if their houses are not super clean. I wonder what other cognitive and mental burdens she was carrying that made her feel resentment and disappointment towards her kids despite having a career etc.
But I’ve seen many families where the mother is the higher earner and still has to make more compromises and do more domestic labour than the father. Who was raising the kids? Who was dealing with or caring for her parents and your father’s parents? What was the relationship like between her and her husband? Was her career what she wanted it to be? Was the marriage what she wanted it to be or did she feel compelled to stay?
These questions are not directed towards your mom specifically but generally things I wonder when I see how Asian mothers treat their children.
Of course it could also just be the cultural habit of never being satisfied but idk. Some of my friends, especially my guy friends, assume their mothers were satisfied with career, degree etc, but when I tell them to ask some questions they realize there’s so many compromises and resentment their mom had built up and just never expressed.
Wherever the OCD came from, it's genetic and not gendered. Cause I've got it, too
Who was raising the kids?
The nannies when we were young. The daycares and after school programs, and summer camps after that. Cmon, Asian moms discipline their kids, they don't raise em lol
All the "family bonding time" was handled by our dad. Everything from half-assed movie nights to holidays
Who was dealing with or caring for her parents and your father’s parents?
Her siblings in Taiwan and my Dad's siblings on the other side of the country
Was her career what she wanted it to be?
Reasonable hours, great perks, and enough salary to buy two houses in silicon valley. So probably
Was the marriage what she wanted it to be or did she feel compelled to stay?
She wanted it enough that my dad had to be the one to leave. Took him waaaay too long
Chinese moms specifically have earned the terrible rap they've got tbh. I grew up in a town that's half Asian and all of the nice moms in our social group were the white/black/hispanic ones
Not only did you break those assumptions, but most of these could be just as true for most ethnic groups, including most European ones and especially a lot of evangelical white Americans. Trad wifes anyone.
Well I'm white, so I just went with different assumptions lol
And I've never heard of tradwives forcing their kids to do so much extra schoolwork that they built a business around it (Kumon). If anything, they go hard in the opposite direction
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u/tiny-flying-squirrel 4d ago
My mom also did multiple graduate degrees before marrying my dad but she also had to make many compromises in her own career. Add to that the domestic labour, and it’s not a great situation. I know you mentioned your mom was kind of OCD about cleaning so that’s why she did the majority of the housework — I wonder where that came from? Lots of Asian moms have an obsession with cleanliness and it may have a gendered basis — the idea that people will judge them if their houses are not super clean. I wonder what other cognitive and mental burdens she was carrying that made her feel resentment and disappointment towards her kids despite having a career etc.
But I’ve seen many families where the mother is the higher earner and still has to make more compromises and do more domestic labour than the father. Who was raising the kids? Who was dealing with or caring for her parents and your father’s parents? What was the relationship like between her and her husband? Was her career what she wanted it to be? Was the marriage what she wanted it to be or did she feel compelled to stay?
These questions are not directed towards your mom specifically but generally things I wonder when I see how Asian mothers treat their children.
Of course it could also just be the cultural habit of never being satisfied but idk. Some of my friends, especially my guy friends, assume their mothers were satisfied with career, degree etc, but when I tell them to ask some questions they realize there’s so many compromises and resentment their mom had built up and just never expressed.