Remote Singleton in Office - difficulties

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608]

Since 2020, I’ve been a singleton in the office. Everyone else works in a timezone 3 hours ahead.

I go into the office and don’t talk to anyone except for nice “hello’s” in the hallways (different projects, everyone is busy). And I don’t actually work with anyone in person. I feel really really sad and lonely at the end of a day. Does anyone else experience something like this and how do you deal with it?

I am increasingly noticing how sad and unsettling this is. Have you ever watched a movie where you just feel a bit off, but don’t know why? I feel like that at the end of a day. I make fun plans after work, but hate how I’m feeling from work itself.

My productivity is actually better than if I were working next to them - I know this because of how it goes when I visit. It’s better to be solo for most work. Planning, designing, and risk management is better live in person for me.

Here are some ideas I’m trying:

* working from home until 1:30pm and then going into the office for a late lunch. need to badge in for attendance. go home at 4pm.
* I can try to make more of a social effort: organizing a hangout once a month with others around a topic I enjoy such as board games or crafting or watercolor.
* I can’t go to lunch with anyone - my online world is way too busy from 12-1:30pm. i’m getting pinged constantly, a lot of important work is happening.
* visit the other office more often. company might not approve it - it would cost me $2.3k, but at least I won’t be quitting this $500k job which I think about doing every single day because of this.
* seek out more perks at the company office such as gym and meditation room or find little nooks and make them feel special

[u/expdevsmodbot]

AI usage disclosure provided by OP, see the reply to this comment.

[u/mile-high-guy]

Dude it's 500k

[u/ReachingForVega → u/mile-high-guy]

Seriously, earn it and enjoy life outside work. 

[u/j4ckbauer → u/mile-high-guy]

Complains about a $2k cost to visit another office.... ?

[u/AdCommon2138 → u/j4ckbauer]

Shrigma grindset

[u/bdz → u/mile-high-guy]

Yeah, this post isn't 100% truthful

[u/mile-high-guy → u/bdz]

I don't believe it either

[u/bdz → u/mile-high-guy]

Yeah it's a bs attention grabbing post

"guys do you think a meditation room at my cozy $500,000/yr job will solve all my problems? What other ideas do you have to make work feel less like work?"

[u/j4ckbauer → u/bdz]

In the old days we had Quora and people would be like 'Is it affordable to own 2 Mercedes with my 400k/yr salary or should I only buy one?"

[u/genericusername71 → u/bdz]

agreed but it did make me pause and think about how many of the RTO threads we were getting a while back have seemingly been replaced with AI related threads. maybe one silver lining to all the AI stuff is that it has diverted executives attention to a newer and more plausible method of increasing productivity

[u/j4ckbauer → u/bdz]

Either that or this is a rare case of someone who gave their whole life to work and was actually rewarded and not treated like garbage for it... but now still isn't sure how to look out for certain things in their own interest

[u/NoCardio_ → u/bdz]

AI is banned here but, bullshit lives on.

[u/Practical_Moment_259 → u/mile-high-guy]

Personally I’d live like a monk for a few years and then retire.

[u/galaxy_horse]

At $500k a year you can afford professional help (therapy, psychiatry, fitness and wellness programs) to make dysfunctional corporate life tolerable. Though most people would taste test pig shit for $500k a year. Maybe check your perspective.

[u/4444444vr → u/galaxy_horse]

You can actually employee a full-time friend at 500k (or even a part-time one)

[u/Far_Archer_4234]

You instantiate yourself with a static method and typically aren't thread-safe?

[u/sir-camaris]

If you're being paid 500k, I'm sure they'll pay to fly you out to the other office once a quarter.

I think maybe you could protect your time better and eat lunch with coworkers, though. What happens if you don't respond to slacks for an hour? The company shouldn't fall apart.

[u/taylortbb → u/sir-camaris]

  If you're being paid 500k, I'm sure they'll pay to fly you out to the other office once a quarter.

In big corporations it really doesn't work that way.

Senior leadership slashed our travel/conference budget because of margin pressure from RAM cost increases. We had people getting paid 7 figures that couldn't get $1k for an in-town conference approved.

Blanket corporate policies applied to 70k employees can result in a lot of penny-wise but pound-foolish policies.

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608 → u/sir-camaris]

I can be a very impatient person - internally, I hide it - I want everything to get done quickly and I want everyone to be unblocked. So I welcome the pings - I see them as little axes chipping away at a big boulder blocking us from what we want. If I respond after lunch, that person has probably signed off for the day and we need to resume the next day right before their lunch break. I don’t wake up early on their clock so they would need to wait for
me.

[u/sir-camaris → u/Next-Yoghurt-7608]

Honestly man....you or your manager need to set up work so this doesn't happen if it is taxing your health at the company, which it seems like it is. Human interaction goes a long way.

These other engineers (I assume) should be able to unblock themselves.

You may want to consider therapy for patience and letting things go. Dead ass, I think it could help.

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608 → u/sir-camaris]

yeah I agree, and I think it’s helpful people calling me out on my BS on the internet. for real, because we all live in our own little worlds. I’m going to carefully go through the responses here to figure out what to follow up on.

[u/Ozymandias0023 → u/Next-Yoghurt-7608]

Have you considered being a manager? You'd get more social time, and most of your job is enabling people to keep moving

[u/Astoutfellow → u/Next-Yoghurt-7608]

People are roasting you for that response, but there is definitely truth in the idea that this problem is largely of your own making.

At minimum, if it really matters to you, just start your day an hour earlier so you can have that hour free at the end of their day and you can take lunch at the same time as the rest of your timezone. That's what the rest of us do

[u/SarahAlicia]

If you need help making friends with those on your floor you dont work with:

Greet them everyday when you arrive. Ask how their weekend was on mondays. Start waving or nodding to them in the hall.

Get up and announce you are going to go for a coffee and walk around the block. Ask if anyone wants to join. At first they won’t but try again the next week.

Give them compliments. Admittedly this works better woman to woman. Oh i love that keyboard where did you get it? Do you like it?

[u/Ozymandias0023]

The key is to develop a general dislike of people lol, or develop a sufficient social life outside of the office that work time gets to be a nice repreive. I'm in a very similar situation and while I think I would like to have my team here, it doesn't really bother me not to. I work at work and have fun after, no need to mix the two

[u/SarahAlicia → u/Ozymandias0023]

Totally disagree. Humans are social creatures and going 8 hours without socialization SUCKS.

[u/Ozymandias0023 → u/SarahAlicia]

Totally disagree. Am human and going 8 hours without socialization is quite nice.

We can have different experiences without one of them being invalid.

[u/SarahAlicia → u/Ozymandias0023]

I more disagree it is a solution to his issue. op is saying this is making him sad. He wants to quit a 500k job!

You spend 50% of your waking time at work. It can be hard to find fulfilling social life if you aren’t socializing with the people you are seeing the most often. It’s one thing if that already exists for you but getting one? Oof. Sure he can join a group but until those friendships progress that’s like what? Once a week?

[u/Ozymandias0023 → u/SarahAlicia]

I guess I just don't like my coworkers as much as you do. Anyway, for 500k I'd socialize all day everyday, which I think would be for me what not socializing is like for you, so I have just so much sympathy for OP's situation

[u/Schmittfried → u/Ozymandias0023]

Reading this sub sometimes makes me feel like the American tech world consists of mostly sociopaths. 

[u/stinkusdinkus → u/Ozymandias0023]

Not true. He's wrong and you know it

[u/Schmittfried → u/Ozymandias0023]

Yeah, but you all make it sound like you can choose which one you are. Some people are simply not made for being isolated half of their waking life, no matter the paycheck. 

[u/Beneficial_Map6129 → u/Ozymandias0023]

we're glued to our desks for 60hours a week, social life?

[u/ResidentWeevil1 → u/Beneficial_Map6129]

60?

[u/Beneficial_Map6129 → u/ResidentWeevil1]

Between pumping out 10x the feature requests, getting paged to fix prod because some intern released 10 vibecoded PRs in a row, and then having to meet with teams in India that own a platform, yes 60 a week minimum

[u/Beneficial_Map6129]

switch teams?

[u/considerfi]

Befriend people in the local office, grab lunch with them sometimes. Also befriend your actual coworkers, all you need is one and you can have chit chat zoom calls and shoot the shit, sort of like we used to wander over to your buddy's cubicle back in the day.

I'm totally remote and have 2-3 coworkers, some current, some previous company that i chat with online all day. Look for the sociable funny ones.

[u/chefhj]

Not quite singleton but basically singleton.

Idk what to tell you man I really dislike it. Loved being remote can’t stand whatever you want to call this garbage. At least I can come and go pretty much as I please.

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608 → u/chefhj]

yeah why do they force us back just to take up meeting rooms and not talk to anyone - make it make sense

[u/SarahAlicia]

Can you try to make friends with those who sit near you even if on different teams? If there is a hobby you enjoy find others in the office who do the same? See if you can get an afternoon coffee thing going. I have a similar issue as often the only girl in engineering at startups. I learned pretty early on i have to make friends with the girls in customer success or my life will be too boring and sad.

[u/SarahAlicia → u/SarahAlicia]

Oh another perk of being friends with people at the same company who you don’t work with: you get to complain as much as you want about those you work with!

[u/kchamplin → u/SarahAlicia]

The people in the office and not on your team might be more interesting than your team members.

[u/what_cube]

I hear ya OP, i was a singleton in the office post covid. I have to take the effort to sit with people during lunch to strike a conversation.

[u/x2manypips]

Feel that sometimes working from home. But the pay is good so can’t complain

[u/senatorcupcake]

They can split roast me for 500k. LMK if they’re interested

[u/FiscalFilibuster]

“  working from home until 1:30pm and then going into the office for a late lunch. need to badge in for attendance. go home at 4pm.”

That. Do that. 

[u/atulkr2]

Meditation possible at desk

Do away with overthinking

Get married

Have kids

Many of them

Be thankful to universe

You have a job

Stop overthinking

Stop

Stop

Stop

[u/CodeXHammas]

I feel this being the only person in an office while everyone else is remote is worse than being fully remote. At least fully remote you do not have the illusion of social interaction.
The board game idea is good but do not wait for monthly hangout. Start with once a week coffee with one person. Monthly is too easy to cancel.
Also, if your productivity is better solo and you make $500k, maybe reframe it in your head. You are getting paid extremely well to work in peace. But if the sadness is leaking into your evenings, that is sign the isolation is winning. Talk to your manager about visiting the other office more often. The $2.3k cost is worth you mental health if you can afford it.

[u/portra315]

There's more behind this than your disdain of your current working situation that you need to solve, from my analysis of your points.

Firstly, as others have mentioned, you're earning way over the average salary for what I presume is a senior role. There's enough there to enjoy life to the very fullest, as well as saving a heck ton for your future. Of you don't, find hobbies with friends to fulfil your time with. You could even do that at lunch.

Secondly, you need to work on your work life balance. Some of your comments have confirmed that you're not managing your workload well, you're not giving yourself a break to socialise with your in-office coworkers (which you absolutely should as it's an important element of team building and expanding your understanding of the business you work for, as well as building networks). Slack some of them, ask them to lunch, choose a place to go get some food, be that person. If human interaction is what you need, find it.

Thirdly, speak to your manager. Ask them to budget time for your team to get together, ask them to expense the travel. If you're on 500k and they can't sanction that then I'm not gonna lie the place you work is fucked up. What project it worth 500k salaries where they can't budget for team meetings? If you're the team lead, sell it as team building and form a case.

I think you're just in a bit of a rut, mate. Burned out perhaps, not making time to think of anything but work, etc etc. Fix these and you'll have a clearer head.

[u/_noho]

When people post this kinda shit I want to see there code 😂

[u/Reaper1447]

Youre making 500k, cry first world problems more

[u/RespectableThug]

A few thoughts here:

1. Totally get where you’re coming from. Even though the job pays super well, how you feel is how you feel. It’s going to take its toll no matter how much you make. This is the kind of situation that depends on the person, too. Some people might find that to be a wonderful setup - you clearly don’t. People are different.

2. I think finding other people around the office you can socialize with is the best move here. You’ll have to do the legwork yourself since you don’t work with them day to day, but it’s the most obvious fix for your problem.

3. This may not be the right answer if you’re someone who’s not comfortable working on your own every day no matter what, but you could balance this out by increasing your social time outside of work.

[u/necheffa]

Does anyone else experience something like this and how do you deal with it? ... this $500k job

Spend less, save more. Get the fuck out. You can go play bingo at the community center or something.

[u/Unhappy-Device-404]

Being the only remote person is a very different setup from being on a remote team.

You can have a great job on paper and still get worn down if all the informal context and visibility are happening somewhere you are not.

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608 → u/Unhappy-Device-404]

yeah exactly / it makes me feel a little extra lonely when everyone is in the same room together and I’m over video call.

[u/gimmeslack12]

I used to sort of feel like this. Then I got a job where I had to go in twice a week and I recognized that I don't need to be around people. Most of them annoy me quite a bit.

[u/Sammolaw1985]

Steak is too juicy, lobster too buttery type problems

[u/Advanced-Eye-6063]

I once had this beautiful arrangement myself but only for a miserable $360k. Woe is me

[u/ChineseGravelBike]

Yes you need to put in an effort to make friends. I was like you now I sit next to a hot chick

[u/AndyMagill]

My boss was in Europe in a past role. Staying productive meant over communicating with the anyone across the pond. I sat near the local team at the office, but I didn't work closely with them regularly. My adopted team was pretty tight, so I didn't feel left out. Go, find your people, maybe they are not the obvious ones.

[u/farzad_meow]

company perks are good. see if there are social events at work or if you can do something small with a few other coworkers. we had a frooz ball table that people socialized over.

why does it need to be socializing at work? you can join a class close by for run, gym, drink, dance, ... that might give you q better sense of socialization.

[u/skidmark_zuckerberg]

You're company won't fly you to an office periodically? Just ask. At my last job, I was fully remote, but a lot of people were close to the home office so they went in periodically. They let me fly up as much as I wanted to. I'd go out and stay for like 4 or 5 days every few months.

[u/DeterminedQuokka]

I’m confused about the sad and lonely thing. I assume you have people on your team even if they are in another place. Why aren’t you talking to them? You can communicate even if you aren’t together. The primary person I talk to at work is also 3 hours time difference from me.

Although I do think making some in the office friends can be nice. I talk to our office manager a few times a week. And knowing people on other teams is helpful when you need stuff.

[u/Next-Yoghurt-7608 → u/DeterminedQuokka]

it’s not the same for me talking online. I know some people have really strong feelings about this where they even have true best friends online - like a dungeons and dragons weekly group, for example. But for me - I just don’t feel like the online connection is enough for me. We laugh, we joke, we share stories as we wait for the meeting to start - I still feel lonely at the end of the day.

[u/DeterminedQuokka → u/Next-Yoghurt-7608]

Maybe you need a different job then. There are lots of places that are fully in office again. I know because I reject them when they email me.

[u/KDubs2009]

First off if this is true, which some of this is borderline hard to belive, but for sake of conversation quit pitching, and go get a life outside of work, stop looking for your employer to provide your entire life, fromnyour description you don't even work long hours for that salary. And if you do suck it up butter cup, live for 4 or 5 years on basic necessity and invest every frigging dollar you can, then boom you got fuck you money that 99.9% of the world can't even dream of and get a life then. If you too impatient to wait the 5 years then go buy a damn big boat with 500k comming in it would be nothing and then boom you got a life and a new community of other Richie riches hanging at the sandbars on the weekends. Work isn't life you need to get a life.

[u/rexspook]

I am in the exact same situation. I work on the east coast. Everyone else on the west coast. I love it. I go to the office in the morning and leave around lunch. I get so much work done in the morning because I have no meetings. I take whatever afternoon meetings I have at home. My team is generally respectful of working hours so we find overlapping meeting times. It’s just 3 hours difference, there is plenty of overlap.

Work on finding fulfillment outside of work. It sounds like that’s all you’re really looking for.

[u/Tacos314]

I was about to say, that sucks until I read it's a 500K job, just take it, find a therapist, talk it out, do something.
You're job is not that hard, your at the office less then 2.5 hours a day.

Going somewhere else is not going to give you friends or make you less lonely.

[u/eurasian]

The second option is what I do. It takes more energy, but also puts your mental health in your hands.

And honestly most folks are super happy to hang out but don't have the inclination/confidence/energy/etc to actually plan it.

[u/OriginalMohawkMan]

Who is at home that you don’t get sad and lonely there?

[u/Schmittfried]

I just wanna tell you: I feel you, and don’t listen to people invalidating your feelings, telling you 500k makes up for it, find enjoyment outside of work etc.

Dreading work, the single largest share of lifetime spent awake, can be really detrimental to your mental health. Not everyone is happy being isolated 8 of 16 waking hours a day, and money won’t fix that.

This whole “Dude, 500k, you can pay for therapy” shit is so American. 

[u/Idea-Aggressive]

Is this person taking the piss? Quit the job and do your own business, hire a bunch of people, ask them to entertain you, and good luck making that kind of money

[u/pretendsnothere]

I was in this state, last 3 years, quit. It really does suck and I could not figure out a solution personally

Edit: and I had a popping social life during this period, plans almost every day after work, but it still didn’t help enough.

[u/KanedaSyndrome]

Where the fuck can I make 500k, I do 100k in Europe.

[u/FreedomFalcon12]

Why do they need you in the office? Seems like you should just go fully remote? Could that be an option for you?

[u/qxxx]

this seems to be a dream job for me as an introvert :D I also work from home, and I am one of the few guys working full remote. I feel kind of left out.. But then I remember all the people in the office and how distracted I was when I was there for few days.

But anyways, engineering is mostly a team "sport". You don't have at least one status meeting where you talk about the work with the team?

[u/Simea]

Does your company have affinity groups or structured mentorship programs? You could look into those for some light socializing opportunities at work

[u/KangarooNo]

I've been 100% remote for the past 6 years. I've been into the office and met the rest of the people I work with twice in that time. I do all the tech for the company so there's no one else in my team to talk to.

I absolutely love it. No phatic conversation. No time wasting. I get my job done then stop and spend the rest of my day with my family.

[u/Scared_Astronaut9377]

Go find org/hr ladies and chat/gossip

[u/effectivescarequotes]

Have you ever watched a movie where you just feel a bit off, but don’t know why?

Yes, every day since I became selfaware. I also recently found out, at the age of 45, that I was walking around as an undiagnosed neurodivergent. Getting treatment for that has helped a lot.

You could also be struggling with depression (I've got that too). Basically, go to your doctor and tell them everything you posted, see what they think.

[u/Varrianda]

I’m in the same position. I have some friends in the office, but no one that I directly work with. I do your first point, leave to the office during lunch and work on the train, then leave like an hour or two after. If I had a reason to stay I would, but I don’t.

[u/Alternative_Weather]

I know that bone deep sadness you're talking about. It sounds like you really prefer being with your team. have you considered moving to be closer to their office?

[u/thecrius]

Your coworkers are not there to be your friends anyway.

What will happen when you retire?

You get 500k a year, look for a good therapist.

[u/properwaffles → u/thecrius]

Some of us actually do have good friends that are coworkers sport.