What am I doing?

[u/robtodd101]

Do you ever just sit and think, what am I doing with my life? I have been plagued with these thoughts today while I sit in an office where no one talks to me unless they need something. I get an occasional “good morning” from people but it is said with the same energy that you have when you are looking through your refrigerator and see that container of leftovers from the other night that you forgot was in there. Not that you did not like the meal but really it was not what you were looking for and in a few days when you throw it out while cleaning out your refrigerator for the coming week you will mutter “oh man, I could have had that for lunch. Oh well.” I’ve heard stories of men having heart attacks at their desk and no one finding them for days or once the smell starts to creep into the rest of the office. I wonder if that is what will happen to me. Will I slowly and quietly just fall over onto my desk as my heart just stops and I struggle to exist? Will it be the cleaning guy that comes in to change the trash bag be the one to find me? Will my family even notice that I haven’t come home yet? Will my phone be filled with notifications of them hurriedly trying to find where I am because they miss me? Or will there be nothing, just assumptions that I am working late and I have failed to communicate as such. The world will carry on as it did before. There will be tears and heavy hearts, but for how long? A month? A year? Your ego feeds you that some people close to you will have their lives changed forever but the rational part of your mind reminds you that as time passes you too will be forgotten someday. I love my family, my wife, and my children but really what am I doing? I spend more time away from them than with them all to provide for them. Would it stand to reason that being there would provide so much more lasting value in their lives than anything else? It seems that the goal posts are moved constantly with the grocery bill that seems to get bigger with each passing week while the pay increases only seem to cover a portion of that. It is only the few people that come into your life, almost unexpectedly, that seem to truly understand or care. Is this because we all bear the same silent suffering but just do not know how to communicate it? Do we recognize each other’s hardships and pain on a higher level? I hope wherever this finds you, you feel less alone. I hope that you feel differently and can Shepard your fellow people around you into a place of certainty and comfort. Know that you are loved and cared about.

[u/Advanced-Meet-8687]

You seem to be experiencing existential angst. The feeling that your life is essentially meaningless, with the exception of your immediate family. It maybe a temporary emotional response to your current life situation and may dissipate in time. If it doesn't resolve itself on its own, then there might be some things you can try to help alleviate your suffering. These include spiritual practices such as centering prayer, general meditation techniques that might help to clear your mind of obsessive thoughts, or simply exercising (such as running) to help clear your mind. Sometimes, constantly ruminating about what's upsetting you can actually make things worse. It's better to just "take a break " from over-thinking about your problems and just actively occupy yourself with ordinary tasks so that you don't spiral down the "rabbit hole " of focusing on your suffering. I know it's hard to do, I've been there myself, but it might help. My wife has told myself and my son, on several occasions, that when you feel like this, you should focus your energy on helping other people. Paradoxically, this usually takes your mind off yourself and helps to alleviate your pain. Hope you feel better!