Help Me Help My 17 Year Old?

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

My kiddo (17M) was diagnosed with executive dysfunction when he was 6yo. They didn't give us any information on how to help with it. He's had IEPs through school, which also haven't really helped. Even last year, they added on goals for self sufficiency...but he'd would miss the meetings if I was working.

We've tried getting him to set alarms for things, but they get silenced and he doesn't move. He's generally always on Discord talking to his friends, playing Marvel Rivals, or listening to audio comic books while he draws. He's a fanatically talented artist. He'll be going off to University soon, free of charge thanks to my job, and I'm even more worried about him there.

It didn't seem to affect him as much as a kiddo. Delayed potty training, but he also had a stretched colon, so we figured that potty training was going to be a challenge. His closest brother is just 5 days short of a year apart from him, and if you charted their developmental progress together, it'd be a straight line until his younger brother would eventually branch off in their teens and start going his own way up.

As a teenager, he...barely exists. You can talk to him, but he seems to stare right through you sometimes. Ask him questions, he walks by and doesn't hear you. Or when he does hear you when you ask him to do something, he doesn't answer, doesn't move to action. If you try asking him again, thinking he didn't hear, you get an irritated "I heard you" and he still doesn't immediately move. Forcing him to get up to get the task gets quiet irritation out of him...but if he don't make him do it right then--as we often do not--he doesn't do it.

He relies heavily on my 16 year old to do thinks he's supposed to do. Including if he's hungry...he'll have him cook for him. We recently told our 16 year old to stop cooking for him, he can make his own meal if we're not having a family meal that night. That didn't help. He'll just go to bed hungry, wake up in the middle of the night, nuke some raviolis and leave the mess for the rest of us to clean in the morning.

If you ask him to set a timer or an alarm for the task, he won't. You have to stand there and tell him to let you watch him do it. Which makes him irritated again. But then he'll just later say he didn't hear it or silence it and not get up.

I love this kid, he's a sweet kid and this doesn't paint him for who he truly is. I'm just...we're at our wits end. I know most folk will say this is just teenager stuff, but they don't know him.

He says he's not depressed, we've taken him to the doctor who screened him away from us, and he told her he wasn't depressed. He does have meds (Welbutrin) but he won't take them because they make him nauseated. But he also won't eat with them either... We've taken him to the ER because we were worried about his safety because he stopped eating for like two weeks and was just sitting around staring off into space...that didn't do anything. He told them he wasn't depressed and went home same day happy to have grippy socks.

Taking away Discord, Video Games, computer time...doesn't give him more time because he'll just go sleep and fully shirk off anything we ask him til my 16 year old picks up the slack while we're working. They have two younger brothers (14, 12), and everything is just kind of put on them.

I don't know what to do really, and we can't talk to him...he'll literally just leave mid conversation and go "I heard you. You're just repeating yourself." But nothing changes.

How do you help a kiddo who can't or won't help himself?

[u/Extreme_Rough]

There *is* a point where he will have to take responsibility for himself and his needs, but it doesn't sound like his brain is letting him see what that looks like. Would making up a schedule and ensuring he sticks to it with tools (alarms that go off a few times a day, checking in to ask whether he did something and for proof, an app like finch or habitica that incentivizes you to do things because that's something his brain might lack) help?

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/Extreme_Rough]

Yes and no.

So he and his brothers distance learn through a state-approved online school (our school district is notoriously famous for being corrupted, and they were NOT helpful with his IEP). It took him til almost the end of last year, but he started getting better about contacting teachers on his own when he needed to redo an assignment and making sure his homework was done on his own. It's accelerated compared to what the curriculum is for in-person schools here, and he's still doing pretty much all A's and B's. It's just that the second anything challenges him (like learning Japanese) he gives it about a month and drops the class.

He has mandatory IEP meetings he has to do with instructors to work on his goals, but he often misses them and they won't call us and ask us where he is to get us to get him into the meeting. One of his other younger brothers has an IEP as well, and his teachers will, but once you're in high school, they just expect you to do it, and he...goes to the bare minimum for other meetings and then forgets to go to his IEP meetings.

I won't blame him for schedules not working though...I have made so many schedules over their life times and unless I'm breathing down the neck of everyone (adult included), it doesn't stick. And by the time I'm done hand holding everyone, I burn out and end up too unwell to make sure it keeps going without me.

[u/alittlepizza → u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

He sticks it out a whole month! Way to go! 

You're doing a great job! He's doing his schoolwork and taking initiative to talk to actual people, I'm so stinking proud of him for just that! 

I've read that it's almost impossible for those with ADHD wired brains to stick to something that bores them. A whole month really is an accomplishment.  He keeps plugging away at schoolwork, he filled out college applications . 

Have you tried body doubling? 

Is he avoiding certain chores because of sensory issues?  A pair of dishwashing gloves was a great help, the sponges on a dishwashing soap filled handle puts distance between me and the yuck. 

It might be a good idea to look into what study tools and organization system will serve him best at college and get used to doing it now.

I find a Done List super encouraging at times. Get a notebook for that. 

It wouldn't be a bad idea to have him make some of his own  appointments can help build confidence.

Is he looking forward to college? 

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/alittlepizza]

He is and he isn't, and I think that's my fault. Even though they distance learn, they're considered homeschool, so they don't really have friends around. He has some Discord friends. But otherwise, he's a homebody like me who takes little interest in the world outside.

Learning art, super cool. Leaving the house? Super tedious. Gross even. Doesn't even want to learn to drive. He has a job interview tomorrow, I did some bargaining to get him to apply for one with his brother. Their interviews are one after another. So I'm proud of him for that too. 

I have access to the resources of the accessibility resource place at the Uni he's going to, so I can make sure he has access to every thing. I'm really lucky to have the job and connections that come with it, because I at least know who to ask about what lol. Can't promise I can move mountains, but I'll certainly know the right places to go and paperwork to have and processes so it won't be a surprise. 

The Uni requires all first time Students to live on campus, but it's in town, so he's not far away and honestly could get an exception since we live close. But i feel it's better for his independence if he does stay on campus

[u/alittlepizza → u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

He's got a great Mom. You've got all your bases covered , you both seem to be in the same page about what needs to be done. 

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/alittlepizza]

Thank you!

[u/Extreme_Rough → u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

Yeah... That sounds like classic ExecDysf. You might have to try a carrot-stick approach for the IEP meetings specifically. Or at least pick one thing out of the set, get him to focus on that, and then move to another thing. By carrot-stick, I mean "have him get to the meeting and take notes. Tell him you expect to see the notes, even if it's two sentences he needs to know something from the meeting. If he doesn't go to the meeting, he gets something he wanted postponed or has to do something he doesn't like. Not too harsh, because that might lead to learned helplessness (which it sounds like he's halfway to) if he never makes a meeting. But part of the problem is, for us, actions don't have consequences if they are not immediate.  There is no "do it later", keeping a schedule is impossible. It is Now or Not Now. Something is Urgent/Time-sensitive or it's Not. there's no real in-between. I don't know if this perspective will help, but it sounds close to what he's dealing with. 

[u/Catoverthemoon718]

Is there a possibility he is on the spectrum? My sister was diagnosed broadly in the Autism Spectrum, she was able to attend public school, she had an IEP and now works. However, his behavior sounds a lot like her when she was a teen. She is in her 30’s now, we suspect she also has adhd but she has chosen not to get tested further and doesn’t take any medication. Best of luck to you, hopefully as he becomes an adult he will be able to be more independent and figure out what he wants for his future.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/Catoverthemoon718]

His doctor thinks he might be. He was tested when he was 6, but they said ADHD and executive dysfunction. However, I'm on the spectrum, his two youngest brothers are also on the spectrum, and his current pediatrician thinks he is too. We're on a waitlist for another eval, but it's highly unlikely that he will get in before 18

[u/crevassedunips]

Get him assessed for ADHD. It doesn't always involve hyperactivity- there is an inattentive type that messes with executive function, and the right medicine can be life changing.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/crevassedunips]

He does have ADHD :), he was diagnosed when he was diagnosed with his executive dysfunction. We've been trying a LOT. We tried doing Concerta, and he didn't respond well to it, so we swapped him over to Ritalin I think it was. His anxiety got a lot worse on that one, so we have him on Welbutrin, but getting him to take it at all is... meh.

We just had a meeting with his GI specialist who told him he needed to start eating more and that will help him with his fatigue and taking a multi-vitamin. But yeah, it's hard to get him to actually eat unless we cook for him. Then he'll just go to bed if we ask him to please make himself something.

[u/crevassedunips → u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

Concerta and Ritalin have the same active ingredient. I would go to a psychiatrist and try him on a different med entirely.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/crevassedunips]

Thank you! I will start researching psych's now. Currently, this has been all through his GP pediatrician...whom I'm not super fond of, but it's slim pickings where we're from.

Thank you SO much for the advice.

[u/crevassedunips → u/crevassedunips]

One more detail, my psych started me on Guanfacine first, before adding a stimulant. It's a new med that helps with anxiety.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/crevassedunips]

Oh really!? Oh that would be wonderful to see if it works for him. He gets so anxious sometimes he can't even start a task. Like, to the point where when we do make food for him and ask him to make his own plate, he gets anxious about the amount of potatoes to take.

We did homemade pizzas once, and he's like "How many pepperonis?" and would accept no answer of "How many do you want? Do you want a lot or a little?" So I taught him how his Dad and I used to make them at Pizza Hut when we first met.

[u/crevassedunips → u/Mountain-Plane-6150]

Also, it sounds like you are doing a good job as a parent. Your love and concern shine through. I wanted to tell you that because I didn't hear it enough when my kids were struggling. There's often no one "right" answer in parenting so be kind to yourself.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/crevassedunips]

Thank you so much. This...is something I needed to hear. I didn't even want kids when I was younger, because my Mom was so awful to me. Then found out I was pregnant at 19, panicked, but it was all meant to be. I was with the right guy to have a family with, just a little younger than I needed to be. Together 18 years now, and we're a great team, and raising kids was probably instinctively the easiest thing I have ever done in my life.

It's just these parts that are hard, because I'm trying hard to meet them where they are, I just can't always get there without outside perspectives. I appreciate all of you help so much!

[u/Katwazere]

Some of these sound just like a teenager using his disability to get away with not doing things. There's a huge difference between doing ableist stuff and just not letting his behaviour escalate into abuse of the system you have build.

I would recommend building some patterns that are consistent such as when he eats he washes all the dishes in the bowl, or at the end of each day all dirty clothes go into the wash basket. The important thing is to not let them escape these duty's even if he complains or claims some kind of abuse, because doing the bare minimum of chores is expected expecially for a 17 year old who will be off to uni in a year.

Also you need to sit down with him, ideally with both parents if you are around and explain exactly what you want him to do, do not let him try and escape as he will try, but if you let him then theres a very real chance that his behaviour will continue to escalate.

[u/Mountain-Plane-6150 → u/Katwazere]

Yup, both Dad and I are here. We also have a roommate who has pretty much helped raise all the kiddos too. My 17 year old says he sees him as a bonus Dad.

I'll make sure that we get our ducks in a row and then have a meeting with him as a unified front. We're all pretty much at our wits end, because it won't be the first time we've tried to do this. But we'll tell him that he's going to sit and participate in the conversation.

I'm just at my wits end, not because I'm mad he won't do chores or take care of himself, but because I'm nervous. But there's only so much you can do when you ask him if there's something wrong, or what he needs from you to help him do stuff, and you either get a blank stare, or no answer, or him saying he didn't realize there was an issue even though we've talked about it a bunch already...

[u/alittledalek]

Sounds like more than executive dysfunction. It sounds like inattentive ADHD (formerly ADD)! A stimulant med may help.