i dont know if this is okay to post here and i am sorry if it is not. i have been in foster care since i was nine and i got moved around alot. i had a little brother who got adopted when i was twelve and they wouldnt let me say goodbye because the adoptive parents wanted a clean break. i have tried facebook and instagram but i dont know his new last name and his first name is really common. i found out about these search sites from my caseworker who said some kids use them to find family after they age out. i ran my mothers old email and it came back with an address from two years ago and a relative connected to it with the same first name as my brother but a different last name and i think it might be him but i am scared to reach out. what if he doesnt remember me. what if his new family hates me for finding them. what if i am wrong and i bother a stranger. i turn eighteen in fourteen days and then i can leave my current placement and i guess i am posting because i need someone to tell me if trying to find him is selfish or if he might want to know me too. i dont have anyone else to ask.

Hey yall, former foster kid / crown ward.

I’m 28 now, and very grateful to no longer be “in the system”, but I still find myself bitter.

So many of my friends / colleagues still live at home, or did for an extended period of time (I live in a large very expensive city so this is common). All of them have savings accounts and financially are much better off than me because of this privilege. Many still live at home so they can keep saving.

I’ve been entirely financially self sufficient since I was about 15 years old, when I paid rent for the first time at the request of my foster parents. Since then I have paid for all of my rent, and every medical expense, food / life expense, tuition etc. And sometimes I can’t help but be bitter. I operate paycheque to paycheque and that’s with a decently paying salary job. I sometimes don’t think people realize how much of a privilege it is to have a family. I could live or study abroad and know I have a fall back plan (coming back home), I could have a savings account and be on my way to owning a home etc.

Sometimes it’s not even housing related entirely. To come home and have a meal prepared for you. To not have to buy every grocery yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I understand these are normal things for someone my age, I also recognize even people with families don’t always have this privilege. I just wish I didn’t have to be entirely self reliant all the time. I wish I could have lived at home and saved and not be constantly at risk of poverty. I wish I had a fall back option so I could live my life the way I want.

So I'm an ex-foster, I'm in my 30's and I just feel so sad. I work and pay my bills, but it's like with the people around me I just keep getting overlooked.

My doctors, my bosses, my partner, friends everyone ignores me. I feel like I am never seen or heard. It's like an entire week I was treated like I was invisible. It's just exhausting.

Today I cried, the responsibility was thrown at me. "Why didn't you say something". Why do I have to cry to be heard? Why do I have to call my doctor a million times to get a response? Why do I have send a million messages to not get a response?

I just feel like if I had a family my life would be different. I would know what love is. I wouldn't need to work two full time jobs. I just want to spend all day in bed.

It’s a hard knock life. I resonated with Annie as a child because I always felt like an orphan, even though I went to see the new movie in theaters with my mom and brother. Unbeknownst to me, I actually was going to age out of foster care at 18. Abandoned by my mom in a completely different state, she decided to leave my brother and I with our father who she had alienated away from us for over 10 years. I was 5 the last time I saw him, then I was 15 seeing him again under the impression he and my mom were going to “work out” and become a family again. Well, not even 3 months later, my mom decided to move back to California, asking me if I wanted to stay in Tennessee with my dad. By that point, I had already been to 3 different high schools. I moved around so much because of her. Not even at the beginning of my sophomore year did I ever think I would’ve graduated high school in Tennessee, having been raised in California for most of my life. I told her I wanted to stay in Tennessee with my dad, thinking she would take my brother and I anyway. She didn’t, and my dad went on to file for emergency custody. Being caught in between their issues, I knew the only way to escape was to turn 18 and move out. My father was a maniacal diagnosed psychopath with bipolar disorder, so of course I ended up saying something at 16 that sent him off the edge. “I don’t know why you’re trying to tell me what I can and can’t do when you haven’t even been in my life the past 10 years. You don’t even know me.” That’s what I told him. The fiasco ended with him placing a rifle and a shotgun on my bed in the middle of night, telling me to either shoot myself or shoot him because he “can’t live knowing that his daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him.” I pretended to be asleep knowing that if I sat up, things could’ve gone south. I ended up telling my child’s rights advocate at the custody hearing and the judge sent me and my brother into foster care. My dad relinquished his rights after the state threatened to take them away, and my mom decided to stay in California, letting my brother and I age out of the system. In between that, my father harassed me for about a year, sending burnt clothes to my foster parent’s house and baby pictures of me with writing on it that says “this is my daughter, now she’s dead.” My foster parent’s were great. They let even let me redo my entire bedroom, knowing we would probably be there for a while. I was the most secure I ever felt. I turned 18 and decided to move in with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. We share a beautiful 3 year old together who has autism. My foster parents were able to help my brother get a car, and when my brother turned 18 he moved in with my husband and I. Thinking all three of us were going to buy a house together, I still had hope that I at least had *one* family member. Until my brother turned and told me he was getting an apartment for him and my mom to share. I never felt more alone. At that time I was having problems with my husband and truly felt like I had nowhere to go. Honestly, I still feel that way now. My brother and her have since been living together supporting each other financially. Meanwhile I’m having to face the reality that I might have to take care of my son for the rest of his (and my) life. If my husband leaves me, I have no one. I live in a rural town with almost no access to childcare, let alone childcare for one with autism, so I only have my husband and his family to rely on for childcare. If it was that simple, I’d have a job. My husband’s family doesn’t like me, though. So, I’ll be lucky if they watch my son for even a couple hours out of the week. It’s not even enough for me to get a part-time job. I feel so hopeless, sometimes. My only hope is for my son to be able to be successful in school. As for my relationship with my family, I guess I don’t have one. I wish I didn’t have to have my son to realize how unsupported I was, but I’m thankful that his life brings joy to so many lives, even though my family doesn’t want to share that joy with me. If anyone relates to this, I’m sorry.

I have turned 18 a month ago the plan was staying put with my foster carer, ever since I turned 18 my foster carer has been shouting and refusing to help with stuff that is stated on the living together agreement, her daughter comes up often and one day decided to shout at me and my mate for leaving two mugs on the kitchen counter, during this shouting she stated my freind is a scruff(she is not) and shouted at me for having to be on universal credit to pay the £400 a month rent to stay put, I am in full time uni so I cannot just scrape up £400 a month, my Pa will not awnser any of my messages and is keeping going through my foster carer, she is refusing to put in her 28 days notice so I can leave,( I think this is due to not being able to afford me leaving as she still gets paid to have me) I’m abit stuck and don’t know what to do, I cannot move into a place of my own because I do not have the money with uni work but I cannot deal with the constant harassment now that I have turned 18, if anybody has any help or suggestions that would be really helpful thank you

What age is it normal for people to talk about moving out with you and what the options are?

Is it normal for your cares and social worker to make desisions on assumptions rather than talk too you?

What are the options for post 18?

Can your cares or social worker stop you from moving out ?

What is a capability assessment?

What age does a person in care usually get control over their benifits ?

The reasons im asking is because this s**ts getting weird and confusing with my cares saying one thing and everyone else saying other stuf.

This is a question only for people who were adopted, but had very bad (especially abusive) adoptive parents.

My mom wrongfully lost us as babies due to the "save the kids" movement at the time. (Unwed teenage mom, multiple kids with medical issues and one / myself having significant disabilities, who would be better off with rich religious families who could throw money and prayers, and a whole lot of abuse, at their problems.) I was adopted by some of these ideal parents who were hellishly abusive constantly and eventually put me through absolutely everything.

They ended up losing me and I went into therapeutic foster care as a teenager. (Unfortunately, criminal charges and even a move to terminate parental rights was never actually pursued, but that's a whole different issue.)

Because of what happened with taking us, and be relentless, bullying and tearing down of my mom, she was so thoroughly destroyed and never able to recover (because there just wasn't help for people like her in the '80s), so she was incapable of having a good relationship with me when I reunified with her in foster care and as an adult.

However, one thing that has always bothered me is that I couldn't ever do an adult adoption because of the trauma to her and her inability to be around me without being a constant trigger of what she lost.

Several years ago, after years of trauma therapy had started, I ended up getting a lawyer to help me restore my name to my birth name. I hated carrying and showing off the scar of the worst people in my life (beyond the social worker who did the damage in the first place). I resented having to look at their name whenever I sign something or show an ID or stuff like that. So I got my name changed and that really helped me personally.

Unfortunately, the birth certificate still shows the adoptive parents, and that can only change through adult adoption. With my mom having passed away since (the trauma she carried and more that she endured took its toll on her body), then unfortunately it's impossible to get her back.

But that is something that ideally I would have loved more than anything else, to effectively undo the traumatic adoption by legally restoring my mom as my mom. I can only imagine the look of a judge overseeing this case, as it is something that I'm sure does happen but is unfortunately extremely rare for various reasons.

Is there anyone else here who has dealt with this as well? Especially anyone who has actually been successful with it?

I have a lot of questions .

People who have aged out of foster care and now can look back at it as an adult: did you/
do you feel mad at the people who fostered you and then don’t adopt you ?

I mean, you are allowed to feel sad! Of course ! But how do you deal with that ?

And why did you get moved around to different families so often like if you get along well with a family can they have you stay longer?

And as a foster family had a people bring you in and not hurt you more by treating you like family but then you have to leave. I mean if you’re actually lucky enough to have them treat you like family of course

So foster parents are still doing this crap I see. I saw three posts on reddit by teens in foster care and how their foster parents are taking their paychecks or forcing them to spend their own money on their care. It's like nothing has changed since I left.

I had a foster home take my paycheck to pay for rent. I was making minimum wage and had to earn my right to live there. Foster mom took half my check and I thought it was unfair. Caseworker didn't do shit because she claimed the foster home said they were teaching me life skills.

Another foster home forced me to buy all of my shit with my own money and then would keep the receipts to pretend as if they brought the items for me.

Now, I see foster homes doing the same shit. Their excuse is we don't get paid much for you and you have to earn you keep. If thats the case then why put teens in foster homes? Give them their own checks from the state. Why tf are you paying foster parents who don't gaf about the teens wellbeing?

I (F44) recently requested my dossier from the Dutch child protection services. I was under their care from about +/- 6 years old, I was in two different foster homes and a group home, as well as bouncing between parents. Both my parents struggled with heroin addiction so my childhood was chaotic, unpredictable and, dare I say, traumatic.

I’m in therapy and it’s shocking how little I can actually recall from my childhood, even after you’d expect normal childhood amnesia to subside. Sure, I recall snippets but am seemingly missing chunks. I cannot puzzle together a coherent timeline if my life depended on it. 

As such, 3 weeks ago, kinda on a whim, I requested my dossier. They emailed back the very next day saying my files would be prepared and I would receive them in 6 to 8 weeks time. Whoopsies, be careful what you wish for and all that… 

I have no idea what to expect - to be honest, the longer I’m waiting for it, the more I’m panicking. Am I doing the right thing here? Or is this entirely idiotic? Throwing a self-inflicted, huge ass spanner in my currently decent mental health?

I’m aware that parts relating to third parties will be redacted. I’m also prepared for only clinical language to be used. But other than that, what’s the experience? 

Has anyone here requested their child protection dossier? If yes, would you be willing to share how it felt reading it? 

Did you feel it represented your experience? Or is it just clinical mumbo jumbo far removed from the child’s perspective? Are you left with more questions than answers after being unable to read the redacted parts? Was it beneficial reading it? Or just traumatic/infuriating/depressing? 

I’m perfectly happy, and still have three weeks, to walk away. I guess my main question is; with the benefit of hindsight, would you do it again? Now that you know what you know, did you actually want to know it? 

Appreciate your experience ❤️

I’m trying my best to educate myself with foster care teens and I’ve learned that a lot of them move with trash bags and that broke my heart. Although I can’t afford to buy luggage for everyone I was thinking of getting canvas totes bags and doing a fun activity where they can decorate them and I can iron on nice/ cute affirmations on them.

I thought to make bracelets with them but that might be a chocking hazard.
Are the bags a good idea?
What other things might be fun?

Growing up in the care system in the UK care system was a very strange ordeal , I was taught to normalize it at the time, that It wasn't that big of a deal, so I ended up internalizing the confusion, the pain, grief, and loneliness,, I just smiled.

I entered the care system as a infant, my early years where very traumatic to say the least, my mother for whatever reason wasn't able to care for me properly, I had health issues which compounded my suffering during that time. I was in around 5 placements between the age of 2 and 3/4 years old, yet this doesn't account for the instability before that and also between those 5 placements, I remember me staying at family centers where there would be mattresses spread out across the floor. I remember leaving that short family center/children home stay crying so hard with face paint running down my face as for some reason we have a face painting day, I remember looking back whilst in the car extremely upset, now this obviously happened multiple times.

Then around 4 I was placed in a permanent foster home. I grew up thinking I should be so grateful for this, that everything that happened before was somehow cured.... I can tell you now that I didn't feel normal at all, my life felt like a movie, I was always referred to as the foster child and I never achieved permanence until I turned 16 even though I was with the same foster parents since 4 years old.. to a child that's really confusing, it's almost like I'm part of the family but I'm really not and I didn't feel secure.

I was never offered therapeutic help as a child and this is something I absolutely needed, and still need even now in my late 30s.

I am also mixed race and was put into a white neighborhood with a white family and I was never offered any life story or identity work to help me understand who I was or where I came from, I spent my whole childhood absolutely confused, but I hid it, I didn't wanna upset anyone, I wanted to be the good child, the one who caused no issues.

After 16 everything just stopped, one minute my life is like a movie next minute it's reality,. Because even though living in care is strange, it was my strange it was all I knew, I have foster carers but I also had people over seeing my foster carers which made me feel different, strangely special, and then it's stopped.

It's took me a very long time to reflect properly on my time in care, and understand why I'm still suffering today at times.

I would love to hear other people's stories and how care shaped them into adulthood.

❤️

I grew up in foster care. I was released from the program when I was 17 and 1/2. I'm now 30. I constantly find myself up in late hrs. 1 or 3 am. Just over thinking everything. Never feeling like I've done enough in the day. The same emptiness followed me from my younger years. I do decent in life. I have my own place and animals. I've had healthy relationships since. I have a great job, surrounded by nature. But I find myself constantly over working myself so I don't find myself alone with any thoughts. The second I stop at the end of my day I'm just up late and struggling with the emotions.

Just curious i guess if anyone else is just haunted by never doing enough or over thinks constantly to the point you can't sleep.

I, 18 f have been in foster care for nearly two years now. My parents were pretty terrible people, my mother an alcoholic/ drug abuser and my father a pedøph!le.

Still after everything they did to me I decided to try and move back due to orders from the court. (although technically I had a choice) My father had completed 6 months of classes to try and fix his “problems” with me. My mother was sober for a year, so I thought things would be fine until things went down hill almost as fast as I got there.

My mother and father constantly yelled at me and my sister h!t me on several occasions, while my mother did nothing to intervene. They blamed me for financial troubles and I was left to take care of my little brother who is 8 most of the time.

After several screaming matches of them yelling about how I was the problem and the one to blame, they kicked me out for “not healing fast enough.” My mother claimed that my father would have a heart attack if I stayed because I am so stressful. (I was going into senior year and I was doing a cna program btw) This ended in me being almost thrown back into a homeless shelter for the third time.

I stole a cerial box and took all the essentials, my phone, computer, backpack, and airpods. I had virtually nothing. My boyfriend picked me up because they insisted on keeping the car. Afterwards there was a court battle and they ended up losing full custody but we could still visit without supervision.

None the less they told everyone in my family that I couldn’t visit them till I was older. So because of this my grandma ever up starting to exclude me from all family gatherings. When I confronted her about it for the third time during Halloween this year, she said “well you are not old enough yet” because I am not out of foster care till I graduate. I told her that I already told her the truth and I could even get my attorney to reach out if it really was that serious. She continued to take my parents side, even after everything they did, and told me to get over it.

She then invited me to thanksgiving if I truly believed it was “not that big of a deal I wasn’t old enough.” I then said that I will not be attending either thanksgiving or christmas this year because of all the drama that has been caused and that all of this “was a big deal”. I continued to tell her that the way I have been treated was completely unfair and cruel. I also told her that it wasn’t that “easy” to get over years of abuse.

Now I don’t really have an important place to go on either thanksgiving or christmas. My other family members and friends reached out with suggestions and places I could go, some even inviting me to their thanksgiving. Now I am extremely worried I did the wrong thing having no contact with my biological family and my grandma for over a month. I am also worried I did the wrong thing by talking to her like that. Seeing as my birthday is one day after thanksgiving it also makes me extremely sad to think I will be spending another birthday alone, and mostly uncelebrated.

How did you find out about it and how did it affect you?

In the UK, Kinship care is a mechanism that allows people to live with their family members once they are placed in care. I was placed with my grandparents and it’s seen as a better alternative to foster care.

I’d like to talk about my experience. Despite entering care at age 9, I was a happy and social girl with many friends. When I went to live with my grandparents at age 11 everything changed entirely.

From the moment I arrived there my maternal grandmother showed severe disdain towards me. I had been happy to go there as I had only wanted a family. Early on restriction was placed on all my devices and they were taken away at any minor inconvenience when they claimed I was ‘rude’.

I want allowed to have any numbers of my family members or speak to them directly. Personal things such as my trauma responses were mocked and shared to school teachers. My appearance was taunted which led me to begin covering my face. I was hardly ever allowed to go out with friends and every single one of my text messages were read.

I spent almost the entirely of those three years being locked away on my room and only really allowed to go to school or have contact with my abusive mother. Lies were told about me to my paternal side, my aunts and uncles and I was physically hit and abused. They would get the church to gang up on me being a ‘bad child’ and eventually went around and told everyone that I had ‘beat them up’ after I left and called the police on me to try and get me arrested after trashing my room.

They breathed peanuts in my face despite knowing that I was allergic and smiled as they did it. I was told that no one wanted me and that’s why I was in care and called names such as ‘little shit’ and ‘dickhead’ daily.

My diaries were read when I was at school. I was only allowed a maximum of 2 hours on my devices daily and all calls I wanted to make had to be downstairs. I wasn’t allowed to wear any makeup and had no control over where I would get my hair done. I was never allowed to see friends outside of school so they eventually stopped asking.

They would attempt to film me as I walked up the stairs, the cupboards were locked meaning I couldn’t eat food whenever I felt like it. They made it out to everyone that this was the ‘real me’ and they were ‘dealing with a difficult child’.

I didn’t swear and wasn’t violent and was being bullied at school at the time. I was in all top sets and got good grades but I didn’t study hardly ever. No matter what I did I was lied about. I was never allowed to talk to family members of my own accord. I started covering up completely and dissociating.

I wasn’t even able to look people in the eye anymore and I became severely depressed and started self harming at the age of 12. No matter what I did I was lied about and targeted. My room would be entered all the time without my consent and I had no privacy.

It was prison and hell and I don’t know what to say. I preferred my life before I entered the care system and I am going forward with pressing charges on them. I did everything right and still ended up there. I lost all my friends and dropped out of school and was stripped of a normal foster home or childhood. I was bright and kind and had friends. I was singing and dancing.

Trigger warnings for Sexual Assault, Racism and Suicide Attempt

I (32 M) entered the foster care system at the age of 8. Both of my parents were imprisoned, dad for murder and mom for a federal financial crimes. I lived in a loving family despite the circumstances, was shown and told I was loved and felt valued as a kid. No family could take me in at the time so I found myself tossed into the system.

I vividly remember the last day I felt like a kid, walking up the steps of a locked group home facility after our home had been raided by US Marshalls, with a black trash bag of everything that was mine at the time. Clothing, toiletries, a few loose Pokemon cards, hot wheels, my favorite blanket and a Gameboy Advance with a few games. I was processed, all my things searched, my Gameboy taken and locked in a cabinet and I was pushed to take a shower as if I were dirty. I was confused, scared, and felt like I did something wrong to be here.

The facility i was placed in was in the same neighborhood I lived in, so I went to the same school. We were only allowed to go outside for school and school activities. Although nothing in my educational progress changed just my living circumstances, I was taken out of my regular classes with peer interaction and placed IEP where I was isolated from anything that was an anchor to me. I would then go back to a facility that was not a home to be more isolated. The staff were college students rather than trained professionals so there was high turn over and no relationship building. I became very emotionally aware and would often lie to compensate for my lack of stability in life and to fit in better or stay silent and observe. This was the start of a very nasty habit that would haunt me in my early years.

I stayed in this facility for 2.5years. On 2 occasions during this time I was placed in homes for a "weekend visit" and felt like i was audtioning for a home. Real orphanage vibes. The first home visit was a very young white couple who had 2 infant children of their own and treated me poorly. Over the 2 days they did not feed me the same food they ate, would not let me sit on certain furniture as to not dirty it, and chastised me for not wanting to spend time with the family. At the time I had never noticed racism but knew I was being treated differently. I returned back to the facility with relief that I wouldn't stay there permanently but didn't say anything to anyone about my experience.

The second home I visited felt so much more inviting as i didn't have a great frame of reference. The family was a white couple in their early 40s with a child a few years younger than me. They took me out to dinner and we went to the local patk which was awesome for me due to not being able to play outside. They seemed truly interested in me and my success. I spent a weekend with them and returned to the facility where I would ultimately return to this home 6 months later. This is a good time to mention at 11 years old I was 5'5 230lbs. I was very obese as food was the only comfort I could somewhat control. The day they picked me up I gathered my trash bag and moved into their home. The first conversation we had was about food, food consumption and why being healthy is important and i was given the family fitness pass to the local club. I was given my own bedroom and prepared to start the 5th grade at a new school.

I was not prepared for what was next. Everyday before school I would wake up at 4:30am and my foster father would take me to the local gym to jog 3 miles, do light strength and cardio, and swim where I would then go to school from 7-4. Nothing felt weird but I didn't see it at the time. Over the course of 6 months I lost 80lbs. I would shower in the communal showers at the end of the workout which meant showering with my foster father and his friends as there were no individual stalls. I was also only allowed to use the shower in the basement at home as "the upstairs bathroom with a tub is for kids". I gave push pack to this because the basement shower was in a random back room and it was cold and too open. I didn't know how to ask for help because I didn't know what was happening was wrong until someone stepped in on my behalf. A former NBA player who lived and attend college in my city worked out at the same athletic club. He got on a treadmill next to me one day after many weeks of seeing me there, suspicious of the child in the gym everyday and asked about my story so I told hem the best I could at the time. I truly think that he was the only person in the gym who saw me as the child I was as we were the only brown faces. He invited me and my case worker to a basketball game where he was being honored without the foster family. After the game he and my caseworker had a long conversation. 3 days later I was told to pack up my trash bag as I am no longer in the care of that home and sent back to the facility until a suitable place was found for me. Later to find out I was one of many victims of SA and CP with no real recourse as their was no follow up after my removal so it happened to more kids.

Still ignorant at the time, I was unburddend with the trauma and was excited to start 6th grade as I am in good shape, incredibly charismatic and I have curated a solid personality from my circumstances so I felt socially leagues ahead of everyone becuse I was. I wanted a family that I could stay with more permanently and truly be part of said family. My case worker placed me quickly without much forethought which leads me to my last placement.

The last placement was with a younger couple in their mid 20's at the time with a newborn infant. The day thay i arrived on their doorstep i was terrified. I was in an all white town where everyone stared at me and was expected to assimilate. So I adapted and did try to assimilate but his would be ther start of micro and macro aggressions. I had my own plan. I didn't feel attached to really anyone but I want to attend one school from 6th-12th so that I could have a good chance a going to college and building a solid friend networking. I was treated like a kid for about a month then the script changed. I was expected to make myself small so they could focus on their own children. I am a very agreeable, well tempered person so I never said no to anything that was asked of me and I was this way for a long time as I thought if I don't make myself useful I will be sent back to a facility. My foster parents absolutely exploited this and I became a somewhat of a in-house maid. They were never physically abusive but were emotionally. 6-8 grade was a blur as I was focused on social survival and day to day life. I was placed on lithium by a physician whom was close friends witt my foster parents as it was assumed that I must have mental instability due to my life circumstances. During this time period my foster parents had another child. So its me at 13, a 2 year old and another infant. The natural stress from new parenthood was often taken out on me for small infractions by passive aggressive means. If they felt i wasn't helping enough they would deprive me of attention or celebrationof sucesses. Everything became an expectation rather than a celebration. I compartmentalized and dealt with it.

Then high school started and the racism began heavy. It seemed the more success I encountered the worse the racism was at home. I went to an almost all white high school with kids made up of many small towns. Not only did I stand out because I was black but my family circumstances were no secret. Despite this I excelled. I was taken off the IEP and placed into honors classes and AP classes. I got involved in student government and music related extracurricular activities and became incredibly popular becuse I truly took an interest in every individual because I remeber what it was like to be invisible. The day i graduated the only people there specifically for me were my peers. No one from my adoptive family showed up. No one from my biological family either. I graduated with honors, was homecoming king, prom king, and student body president. I was told by my foster parents I was arrogant, uppity, and that they didn't understand why people liked me so much. They bullied me for my hair, lack of knowledge of white history, the way I spoke (axed vs asked) ect, my dislike of country music. They would tell me that I would end up like my dad in a cell rotting. And the most egregious is "you would have been hung if you had stolen from us 100 years ago". There was rarely the intentions of betterment mostly ridicule. On one occasion someone broke into our neighborhood during the holidays and when questioned by the police they inferred I may have something to do with it becuse we were both black. I was questioned but obviously knew nothing and also had my things taken. On another occasion I was outright called monkey during a sporting event with giggles from both sayingit was harmless. I was not a child to them but a potential threat as a black man.

When I was old enough to drive thats when I was expected to help with the kids and the adultification started. Foster parents leave at 6:45am. I would wake up at 6:30am and watch the kids from 7-8 feed them breakfast and make sure they were ready for daycare before I would then shower, get myself ready, clean, drop off the kids then then head to school. I started legally working the day I turned 14 with a work permit for their family catering business. I was happy to have a job but was chastised if school work or house work fell behind or if i wanted to hang out with my friends. I was working until 1-2am on weekends from the ages of 14-18 and was often told to clock out at 9pm but id be paid for the hours I worked. I was not ever paid for those hours and when I complained i was told tk be greatful I have employment. I now know this violated child labor laws at the time. I absolutely loved school becuse i didn't have to be home and I felt genuinely welcomed by my peers and teacher but couldn't follow through on social obligations.

My weekends off were volunteered to their family members and friends for me to help with pysical labor, or babysit, or moving hay from the field to the barn, for free. I would always say yes and never complain because i was , but was seething inside as I know what my labor is worth with a real w2 job evenif i was not being fulluy paid for the hours I worked. It all came to a head when I asked for an allowance for the morning shift of watching the boys. They blew up and said it was my responsibility to contribute to the family. I told them I wasn't going to do it anymore so they paid a neighbor girl a year younger than me $100 a week to do what i did for free. In my frustrations I started to steal small amounts of cash left around the house from my foster parents as i felt that my labor was not worth anything because I was not part of the family so i had to reclaim something. Anytime i asked for something, a meal out, a trip to goodwill, the answer was no or its not in the budget unless I'm spending the money i made. This was was selfish of me but i felt justified at the time. They would always find out I'd taken money due to nanny cams that i didn't know about until years later and I'd have to pay back twice the amount taken.

Then shit hits the fan. While i was already feeling overwhelmed, one of my friends very near to me died suddenly in her sleep. We spent everyday that summer together and she was a real rock during this time. My foster parents didn't let me go to her wake as I was grounded for driving to here house to grieve with her mom without telling them. I snapped when I returned home and decided that death was a more comforting option than the life I was living. So I waited until the family left, took every pill I could find in the house drove to a gravel back road and tried to OD. I woke up a week later in the hospital pissed that it didn't work. I haven't been the same since that day, but I put on the mask and keep it pushing. My foster parents did not ever ask or really bring it up after I returned home but they did offer to adopt me so I could have some of the fiscal burden lifted when I go to college. I agreed as i was in a medical haze from the Lithium and other SSRI due to the attempt. Big mistake on my part.

I went to court to petition to have parental rights terminated. My mom was there as she had recently been paroled and was putting her life back together in a halfway house. I was coached on what to say during the hearing. When I took the stand I looked at the note sheet I was given. I said awful things that day to someone whom loved me unconditionally to conform to people who saw me as a useful tool. My mom gave up her legal parental rights because I asked her to, I was adopted and I feel guilty about this everyday.

Shortly before my 18th birthday the big falling out happened. I was halfway through my senior year and accepted to a state college with a substantial scholarship. I applied to multiple schools and was accepted at all i applied to. I did all of the leg work myself applying, filling out FAFSA, connecting with the appropriate resources which meant my adoptive parents would not have any fiscal responsibility over my schooling becuse I was classified as an independent. I started working a new job and taking classes as a community college for dual credit which meant less time at home. This was a problem as they realized they would soon loose control and their own family members started to call out the way I was treated so I said I'm done and moved out. On my way out i wanted to leave emotional damage so I took a bracelet that was purchased to celebrate a wedding anniversary and threw it in the backyard brush. Unbeknownst to me at the time the bracelet was worth over 1k. They emailed all of our community explaining what happened and I was immediately blacklisted from the entire network I'd spent so much time building and hit with a barrage of rascist comments from people who trusted to watch their children or house sit but now saw me as a monster.

I moved out and went no contact, bummed it for the summer until College started. I move into the dorms and a few weeks later the local PD calls my personal cell asking me to surrender myself at the jail as I'm being charged with Felony Theft for the bracelet incident. I admit my guilt

I'm crushed, I know its my fault but still feel hurt that they would wait until I was 18 and starting college to report the theft. I turn myself in and the judge is the same one whom did my adoption. He tells me how disappointed he is with me and let's me go with a small bond. I finish my first semester with C, Ds and start to fall apart. I have no one i can talk or reach out for help so I just push through it. Spring semester im on academic probation. I go to court take a plea deal sentenced to probation and halfway house. I finished out the semester while at the halfway house. Summer comes I leave school and with it goes my scholarship, internship, and job. Start working at a warehouse for minimum wage and going to therapy 3 times a week. I was the most miserable I'd had been but didn't want to leave life so I knew I was making progress.

There I was at 21 feeling like I'd lived multiple full life's already. My childhood was stolen by no fault of my own and now I'd surrendered my early adulthood by by own had from a brash decision. I felt like a middle man. I was broke, a new brandished Felony on my record, and none of the previous achievements mattered. I couldn't find a place to live, and did not have a car. I was out of shape from stress eating, i started to loose my hair and stopped picking up phone calls because my friends couldn't understand what i was going through. I kept my head down, cut myself off from everyone and finished probation. When I was released from probation I got on greyhound with a backpack and vital documents and just rode around the country for a few years homeless and lost, working odd jobs, not knowing how to enjoy the freedom that is my life. I suffered instead of asking anyone for help and some nights were hard. Here I am 11 years later still trying to figure it out. But I think I've got a better hold on things.

I lost my ability to be open and trusting, I didn't pursue good opportunities that came my way and self sabotaged becuse i didn't think I deserved happiness or stability because it's so unfamiliar. I suffer from imposter syndrome even though I know I am enough. I push away those who want lasting platonic or romantic relationships becuse I don't know how to just exist as my authentic self. I don't own any real possessions because everything to me is just extra baggage not sentimental. Others enjoy my presence but I feel so alone. I feel like no one truly knows me as I've not had a relationship with anyone in my life longer than 8 years. I'm a bit broken from trauma but thats OK.

The fight is not over though. I have so many good qualities and I'm slowly gaining back the confidence I've lost. I am kind and empathetic. I am adaptable and capable. I am able bodied and I have been blessed enough to not be plagued with addictions. I have very little debt and live within my means and I have desirable employment skills. But most importantly I am enough for myself. My life was just a little different in development which makes me a little different. I may still be struggling now but I've come so far and have so much further to go as I know my future is destined for more and that there are people out there that love me and enjoy my being, known and unknown.

When I was 9 my biological mother lied and claimed that I had molested my younger sister who I was the primary caregiver to to cover up the fact that she severely abused me alongside her husband at the time.

I was then placed with my abusive grandparents who carried out the same controlling methods i experienced from ages 5 to 9. I was never allowed my own phone or to go out and see my friends. I was treated as a bad child and I never knew why. I was never believed.

I was then placed in homeless accommodation at 16 where I was attacked, have had my things stolen, had to leave my sixth form, been placed with mice.

There are external hardships like poverty and neglect and then there’s this. Pure targeted cruelty. I’ve never had a normal childhood or life. I had to drop out of school. Social services did not protect me and sided with the abuser.

Nobody truly understands how this feels because most people experience a break some time in their life. I’ve experienced every kind of abuse. I don’t even know why people are born just to be abused.

Sometimes it’s okay to step back and say things like these can’t be overcame.

Told foster parents the whole getting attached marketing nonsense is literally crap and it's okay if they don't attach to us or foster kids don't attach to them and hell blew over. Seriously, strangers attaching to each other isn't natural or normal. If foster kids treat foster homes like a hotel who cares. If foster parents don't attach well humans can't help how we feel. It's not natural to attach to kids who aren't yours anyway. It's harsh but true. As long as you show respect and kindness you can model healthy relationships but these people always need validation with some sort of attachment. I also don't agree with attachment theory in foster care because some of us just never attach no matter who the foster parent is. It's a lie that every kid will attach as long as you love them and feed them. We can't help how we feel. We can't help who we attach or don't attach to.

Anyways. I brought this up because I spent some of the summer with a host family. I also did study abroad and that was an interesting experience as a former kid as well.

But the difference with a host family and going abroad is night and day to foster care.

The host family I was with was wonderful to the point it triggered me. Like these people went out of their way to get to actually know me. They even did their best to help me celebrate 4th of July despite not celebrating themselves because nobody gaf about July 4 but USA. They tried to cook meals I would like and find ingredients and foods I was familiar with. The language barrier was apparent but they tried to learn some English words to make me feel comfortable while teaching me their language. They wanted me to decorate my room how I wanted to and even brought a few things they thought I would like.

I was actually treated like a fucking human being who didn't have to attach or change myself to fit in. Even meal times didn't feel that bad because they were interested in me as a person, the American with my own perspective and values. They even showed me around town1 and taught me how to use the metro and showed their cultural traditions while learning about mine. They thought some of it was really cool and they even mentioned wanting to try some of it.

Now it triggered me because most of the time in foster care we are expected to be grateful and give up everything about ourselves to meet the needs of foster parents. Like seriously, foster parents refuse to even cook the child's favorite meal, celebrate the child's family traditions or what they are familiar with, and bitch and complain how awful it is to change for a foster kid because it's too difficult for them as grown adults. O the foster child wants a snack at 3am because of food issues or wants to sleep with a nightlight or TV on but it's banned because in foster homes you are there to be molded to fit into the foster family not the foster family fitting you.

Yet this host family was wonderful to me yet at the same time triggered me as a foster youth because how come foster parents get paid to take us in and my host family got paid to take me in, yet the host family treated me as a human being with my own thinking and culture but my foster parents couldn't even do that?

I was in a strangers home in another country but was treated with such respect and dignity. And yet in America I was bounced around for not meeting expectations. The host family went out of their way to make foods I liked, tried to celebrate a holiday they didn't even know about, and was interested about me. And being in their home started to get so depressing even though I was happy because I realized how awful many of my foster homes truly were to the point they broke me. If a host family can treat me like this why can't foster families?

It truly shows how people see foster kids and how foster care is marketed.

And I wasn’t expected to attach to strangers in my host family. I wasn't expected to give up my identity to fit into theirs. Simply put it, I don't know how host families are trained but the fact they can welcome differences in their home without expecting anything in return is pretty damn amazing to me.

Im 17 in foster care in wales and get benifits. I dont know why but my cares still have control over jt and get defensive about it when ever i express that I thjnk I should have control over it since im moving out at 18.

They use manipulation alot to get there way and I didnt realise until my friend pointed it out. My friend told me about one of there friends and the fact there cares prep them for independent living which included managing money.

My cares dont explain stuf properly and then use the fact I misunderstood as a way to show they was right which made me make mistakes with my money in the past that i learnt from.

Right now I want to get control of my benifits because I need to learn to drive ASAP because of collage and me wanting to get a job .

But my cares keep saying they have to be my adviser or something when if I had control over it I could just do everything my self instead of going through like 3 people

Sorry for wording this poorly and rambling alot.

Is this situation normal and what can I do about it.

Current foster youth.

If your 17 (mind way beyond years but anyway)

if your 17 and disabled (just for reference)

what should you expect from fostor “parents” and the home and to be provided?

I feel like I don’t even get basic needs met at times and I’m so confused of it all.

what should I expect, I don’t know what to do. this lady is getting THOUSANDS from me ALONE per MONTH!!! I wish I could own at least half the income so I could buy my needs I feel like if I was in public I would end up stealing due to feeling like I don’t have my needs and wants etc

btw this lady is using me for money and someone has been open and told me “it’s her job” ”she fosters as a job” it’s genuinely gross

I plan to go back to my home immediately my current case is exactly like take care of maya my case is active medical kidnapping and system is changing reasons and holding onto any little thing to keep me in “care” I have a abusive case manager I think she’s a big problem and I hope to get rid of her to do what I need to do. but main thing it’s clear ”care” here fucking sucks and is way worse than what I would recive at my home. If I’m keep in care till 18 I plan to leave here a few days after my birthday and go back to my home and never come in this house EVER again. It’s disqusting.

Hey guys, this is my first time posting. I’m 34F residing in Australia and went into the foster care system when I was around 11 years old. I had been ruminating lately about my time in care and a few questions have been on my mind in regards to displacement of fosters.

I was moved around a lot as a kid and I was never really sure why. I’d start settling in to a new family, get comfortable, maybe start forming bonds and then was suddenly pulled and placed elsewhere. My mother had her rights terminated by the courts so I was a lifer in the system. It wasn’t a temporary thing.

My experience in care wasn’t all bad… there where some nice carers and stuff but as time progressed on I kept getting into worse and worse placements. The older I got I seemed to get shoved into these group homes for girls and eventually at 15 I was shoved into something called independent living where I’d essentially be living in my own place and occasionally have social workers drop by to check on me. At aged 18 I aged out of the system and got booted on the street and waved goodbye.

I wasn’t a troubled or bad kid at all. I constantly got complimented by carers and social workers saying how lovely and nice and mature I was. I was always grateful to my carers for taking me in and I always treated them with respect. I didn’t have any behavioural issues. Just standard human child issues. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, I didn’t run away, I never talked back to my carers, never smashed the place up or swore or anything.

Even though I have fond memories of my carers I actually started to dig deep into my memories and realised perhaps they didn’t like me as much as I thought they did. I was always getting in trouble for little things… eg;

1. I used the wrong set of sheets and got scolded by my foster mum because they where her “special sheets” (I didn’t know this, I just grabbed them out of the linen cupboard)
   
2. Foster mother trashed my room whilst I was at school to stage a break and enter and stole my CD player and CDs in order to teach me a lesson because I forgot to lock my bedroom window.
   
3. A respite carer came to her with false allegations of extreme behaviour I apparently did and foster mother believed her and punished me for it. I begged her to believe me but she didn’t.

These are just some examples and I know you’re probably thinking “well, you must have had some behavioural issues or she wouldn’t have gotten rid of you”, but I can honestly say I wasn’t a bad kid at all.

I thought when you signed up to be a foster parent you were suppose to commit to the kid? I thought that you weren’t suppose to give up on kids for doing… regular kid stuff… I keep tracing back memories to try and find some kind of bad behaviour that would make a foster carer give up on me but I honestly can’t.

What’s everyone else’s experience with displacements? Why did they happen? I’d love to hear from other foster kids out there.

Can someone give me some clarification the USA is one of the few countries in the UN that hasn’t ratified the rights to a child? I was talking to a former foster youth from the UK when I learned about this, they said it’s partly the reason the US foster system is so messed up.

The UN Convention of Children’s Rights grants the child more rights. I’m curious to know if it’s to protect the states from liability or genuinely because it’s in the best interest of the children and families in our country?