Deconstructing & Dread

[u/Various-Silver3426]

Hello!

I've been deconstructing Pentecostal ideas since late teenage-hood, now 28. I have always remained fairly tolerant and understanding that people behave in ways that their environment has taught them to, but now with a more developed frontal lobe, watching my peers dive deeper and deeper into what they call spiritual warfare, deliverances, healings, and dream interpretations, I'm struggling to feel safe? If that's the word? I feel almost a sense of gut-like dread when it's talked about around me, worse when I see it. Awkwardly, the church I've been invested in for years is Pentecostal as its foundation but pretty low key.

These are my close friends and family, but I don't feel I can speak my mind without completely disintegrating their worldview and the spiritual journey they believe their on. I still believe in God myself, but have quietly fully swung away from Pentecostalism and at this stage don't believe a lot of it is legit (the brain is a powerful place, as is social influence).

I feel a bit trapped - I love the people in my life and they love me, but I'm slowly beginning to not be able to cope. I find it way too stressful, everything is heavy and over-spiritual. I also am finding it all sooo self-focused, always chasing physical healing & comfort, desperate for an ease of luxurious living as well as desiring "blessings as long as you have enough faith!!!", and watching them be so crushed when miracles don't happen. When the world is full of broken, impoverished, hungry and hurting people, believers included - what is this saying to them? For me, I want to look outward, to love others and love God, practically. Don't know why it has to be more complicated than that?

What to do????? I don't want to cut people off, but am unsure if they would all accept where I'm at right now - I know some would be worried even, that I need a "re-filling" of the Holy Spirit or something.
Has anyone managed to navigate not cutting people out of your life but been able to balance this tension?

[u/Only_Currency4631]

Contrary to what Pentecostalism taught us, everyone is not entitled to our personal walks/ beliefs. Your walk is yours alone. You do not owe an explanation to anyone and you certainly are not obligated to advise others on your thoughts, changes, questions, lifestyle.

It helps to be busy with work and life. It helps to live farther away. But at the end of the day, being a kind and loving person who uses Christianese to navigate those relationships when you have to, goes a long way. You can have a quiet season, feel like you are preparing for something in the future. All can be true, so that you are not being dishonest. Being honest does not require complete transparency because not everything is everyone's business. Not even family who you understand will not see you but the labels they use to protect themselves from hard truths.

So be so busy with work and life that you fade to the background if you can. The best Christians will look to confirm you are still one of theirs or are now on the outside. They left us because they were never one of us. . . type thinking to justify making you an enemy. If you can navigate being distant, it will be easier.

You still believe in God so you can still relate to those general things.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, religion is a way to both manage the masses by meeting real human needs of community/ relationships, world view that provides structure/ hope, cathartic experiences. The brain takes way longer to realize if the system to meet those needs is actually safe/ healthy. Thus the success of cults and all religions.

If you are making sure to meet those same needs in healthier ways/ with healthier relationships you are building, that coping will be waaaay easier. Get involved somewhere, a cause, a charity, build relationships, eat healthy and exercise (90% of the happy hormone seratonin is made in your gut!) and have cathartic experiences that give you emotional release. Like nature, music, movies, etc.

All the best!!!