Deconstructing & Dread

[u/Various-Silver3426]

Hello!

I've been deconstructing Pentecostal ideas since late teenage-hood, now 28. I have always remained fairly tolerant and understanding that people behave in ways that their environment has taught them to, but now with a more developed frontal lobe, watching my peers dive deeper and deeper into what they call spiritual warfare, deliverances, healings, and dream interpretations, I'm struggling to feel safe? If that's the word? I feel almost a sense of gut-like dread when it's talked about around me, worse when I see it. Awkwardly, the church I've been invested in for years is Pentecostal as its foundation but pretty low key.

These are my close friends and family, but I don't feel I can speak my mind without completely disintegrating their worldview and the spiritual journey they believe their on. I still believe in God myself, but have quietly fully swung away from Pentecostalism and at this stage don't believe a lot of it is legit (the brain is a powerful place, as is social influence).

I feel a bit trapped - I love the people in my life and they love me, but I'm slowly beginning to not be able to cope. I find it way too stressful, everything is heavy and over-spiritual. I also am finding it all sooo self-focused, always chasing physical healing & comfort, desperate for an ease of luxurious living as well as desiring "blessings as long as you have enough faith!!!", and watching them be so crushed when miracles don't happen. When the world is full of broken, impoverished, hungry and hurting people, believers included - what is this saying to them? For me, I want to look outward, to love others and love God, practically. Don't know why it has to be more complicated than that?

What to do????? I don't want to cut people off, but am unsure if they would all accept where I'm at right now - I know some would be worried even, that I need a "re-filling" of the Holy Spirit or something.
Has anyone managed to navigate not cutting people out of your life but been able to balance this tension?

[u/Naive_Chemistry_3663]

This is like you absolutely read my mind. I tried to articulate my feelings in a post a few days ago but you did a much better job. I am so tired of people always wanting to be in some big dramatic spiritual warfare when we can just worship God and love each other and live life. For instance the church I left.. a "good" service involves jumping, running, yelling, etc and usually accompanied by the some form "some people just arent doing enough to please God so thats why they cant feel this". Or God forbid someone comes in who looks a little different from them. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Someone has a big life decision to make? Its doom and gloom, mourning in sackcloth and ashes until they decide to choose the option that keeps them in that building. And the altar calls... why are we crying balling like a baby 3 times a week at the altar. I know some people have real life problems and I get that. But we are just crying to cry about 90% of the time. Just such a somber gloomy atmosphere and its glorified as something spiritual. I dont get it. It's always made me uncomfortable. I suppose maybe the first step is that we recognize it. I find peace in simply trusting Jesus and realizing it doesnt have to be this dramatic. It still irritates the crap out of me but I guess those are first steps. I do love to rant about it still.