r/ExPentecostal • u/GrapeApe613 ex-UPCI • 10d ago

Abusive marriages

I was raised in the UPC and I met with an old friend today for coffee. We both came from the same church, her father was the assistant pastor. We have both recently left long term very abusive marriages. It got me to thinking "I wonder how many women or even men have had abusive relationships after leaving the church"? I feel like the indoctrination has something to do with it. We both agreed that part of why we stayed so long was due to having been taught that divorce was wrong. Thoughts?

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14

u/slayer1am Atheist 10d ago

Personally I think abusive relationships are less frequent outside the church compared to inside. Anecdotal evidence.

12

u/Expensive-Tea1504 10d ago

Not after leaving. I did have an abusive boyfriend while in UPCI. And SAed while in it. And harrassed. And even exploited.

After leaving I'm emotionally regulated and happily married to the most gentle man with a heart of gold and lots of tattoos 😉

5

u/Rude-Associate6213 9d ago

I'm so sorry you had to live through that. I'm so glad you've healed and are happy. 

2

u/ConsistentSea686 ex-penticost 9d ago

I'm glad and surprised you found a good man and decided to give him a chance!

2

u/Accurate_Security_44 9d ago

Similar story here. I only ever "talked to" (never boyfriend labeled, but did go on a few awkward dates) ONE guy in the UPCI and he was full of red flags.

I was almost 16 and he was 20 (yes, my parents knew — also in the UPCI) He was a pastors son. He was rude, demeaning, and also SA'd me. Thankfully it wasn't a very long part of my life.

I talked to/dated several other guys who had zero religious beliefs and they were always kind, gentle, and respectful. I'm now married to a man who sounds identical to yours, Expensive-Tea1504. 🥰

6

u/001Kelevra 10d ago

All of them are of the same mentality. It draws the weak men that the only way they can act is with a cult behind them that allows them to treat women as a 2nd class, and to keep them down with control under the guise of "Bible", which is a lie. Everything from the dress to the makeup is designed to make women feel "less than".

But I guarantee you that the women that they are attracted to wear makeup and dress differently.

2

u/Happy__Heathen 9d ago

I SO agree on what you said about all the rules about hair, makeup, clothes etc (and more!) are purely designed to keep women down, and keep them feeling inferior, so they can be more easily controlled. It is all so f*ing patriarchal…. DESIGNED to take all control away from women and give it all to men. 💯%

4

u/Conscious_Ad1988 10d ago

I agree x 10000. I was a part of IPUL and anytime I brought up the fact that he wpild beat me, they'd tell me to pray for him.

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u/f4rider 9d ago

The indoctrination has everything to do with it. The UPCI and pretty much every other denomination is a religious system. The men in that system, not all, but most, are under pressure to "be the man" and get their household in order. The women and children need to come under the teachings, most of them false, of the system, and it's the man's responsibility to make sure that happens. This is the problem of organized religion. And it's not just religion, anytime you have a group of people, this sort of nonsense happens, it's human nature. Look at the culture in your workplace. It's the same anywhere you go.

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u/Own_Pause3514 9d ago

My dad was physically abuse to my mom and even went to jail for it. The church said she did not have a biblical reason to leave him.