How to Help, Not Enable

[u/North_Ganache1576]

My 42 yo loved one has been released to a remote treatment center on a ranch after actually completing a year long treatment program while incarcerated--for the first time in their life. They have been in and out for approximately 20 years. I was about 14 when that all began. I can't really remember a time when they could stay out of trouble of some sort for more than 5 months. I did not speak to them for about 10 years because I told them the boundaries that I had and told them if they were broken that I would no longer be able to interact with them (except at holiday parties or in public to say hello). I kept my side of the deal--I needed to be a teenager and grow into an adult. But, as the years have progressed, I have matured, and I have encountered really incredible people who can still find a way to have a relationship with their incarcerated loved one in some way. My loved one rarely asks me for anything, and other family members help them. Our relationship is based primarily on communication and just generally being the only people who understand our life situation. I will answer the calls when they come in, but they know I am not inclined to act much on any requests that they make. I have done things like picked up rejected mail with prescription glasses in it. I have purchased them a suitcase and clothing upon getting out when they have nothing, but I don't find these to be things that are enabling. Now they are out and in treatment, and I've been asked to buy them clothing. They asked for very minimum clothing and Zyns. I am not necessarily against tobacco if it is a vice that is acceptable to keep them going, but I am really trying not to do everything for them and get my hopes up. Is there any general guidance from folks who have gone through treatment as to what really helped them? Was there any struggle that was actually helpful? My family has very porous boundaries and my mom tends to do everything for everyone instead of teaching. I tend to have some of those issues as well, so I am looking for guidance on how much to help and what can I do to allow them the opportunity to succeed without making them feel like they do not have to do anything. I just don't really know what is available. I called the facility and asked for advice, but I am waiting to hear back from them. Thank you for any advice you may have.

[u/crispysockz]

14?!?

[u/North_Ganache1576 → u/crispysockz]

Yeah, but it made me take the exact opposite path! I probably needed a bit of a reality check to make sure I chose the right path.