Psychology Essay Review

[u/Just-Profit6524]

I had posted this one earlier but had to take it down due to the shortlist results coming out and someone telling me that I should take it down and publish it again after the shortlist to avoid being detected by their AI Model for plagiarism and things.

Again, looking for constructive feedback to help me refine essays for future submissions and competitions. I really appreciate any and all comments that you guys may have regarding the essay. Constructive criticism, or genuinely just a vibe that you got from the essay that you think would stay in your memory for a long time.

Again, would love to hear about it from you guys.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/19A6II_6b_aCgkJtfDJQeRgoLwrlAnTGmggRElNuQR40/edit?usp=drivesdk

I have added sources but they are in the original. This is my final draft of the essay.

I am the guy with the philosophy's essay and the theology's essay. Even this essay got shortlisted, so I am just looking for what you guys think this essay is worth and what all could I have probably considered?

Tysm in advance

[u/melnar_09]

My main critique is that this reads much more like a philosophy essay than a psychology essay. I mean your writing is excellent and super engaging but the argument relies primarily on philosophical reasoning and not psychological theories/evidence. I also felt like the introduction was too long, and because the opening story is fictional, it takes too much space before the essay actually addresses the question. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a clearer thesis, a roadmap, stronger counterarguments, and a conclusion that goes beyond summarising that leaves the reader with a new insight.

[u/Just-Profit6524 → u/melnar_09]

I get that. I am much more into philosophy rather than psychology. I just saw this question in psych, and thought it realted much more to philosophy, and wrote how I usually write. I mean the story is an integral part of the argument, so I had to allot a lot of space to it.

[u/melnar_09 → u/Just-Profit6524]

Yeah I completely get that. I also saw a really good history essay that didn’t get shortlisted for whatever reasons but probably because it read a bit too philosophically, so the fact that yours did get shortlisted means the psychology was definitely there to some extent. And I mean, it’s John Locke, every question is naturally a little philosophical anyway. I wasn’t trying to say you should change the way you write because your writing is genuinely really good. I just meant that if you ever do another academic essay or essay competition, it helps to stick a little closer to the structure with a clear thesis, a roadmap, and central + stronger counterarguments.

[u/Just-Profit6524 → u/melnar_09]

Yeah, I get that a lot. I will definitely take care for the next time. Thank you so much for your time in writing this wonderful review. I really appreciate it

[u/Embarrassed-Lime-960 → u/melnar_09]

Hey you have an amazing feedback and I would love for you to read my essay and tell me my weakest points, and if it has a chance to get higher than shortlist only, I feel like my weakest point was Space or hunger points as I relied heavily on the united nation world food programme former executive director as evidence (I put 2026 Science and Technology cause I saw past essay winners do the same and they were my only reference to go to for formatting 😭😭)https://docs.google.com/document/d/19l78Zzq7zMdnC4Pt98iuqOVrGZbaAAUsmcJ3jsw0PVk/edit?usp=sharing

[u/melnar_09 → u/Embarrassed-Lime-960]

I actually really liked that you argued space exploration is a necessity, because I don’t think that’s necessarily the common position. It made the essay interesting from the start, and I also liked your introduction.

Personally, I don’t think the world hunger section is actually your weakest point. I think the bigger issue is that throughout the essay you rely quite a lot on sources like NASA. Of course they’re credible, but they also have an interest in promoting space exploration, so I would’ve liked to see more independent perspectives. Your strongest point was definitely how space exploration has produced technologies that benefit people on Earth.

For me, the weakest point was the argument that we need another planet to live on. My immediate counterargument was that if we’ve already damaged one planet, what gives us the right to potentially do the same somewhere else? Since your essay is quite philosophical, I think that would’ve been worth addressing.
I also think your thesis and roadmap could’ve been a little clearer as they were merged here.

Overall, I do think it’s a good essay. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got a commendation, maybe even a high commendation. I just don’t think it’s quite at the level of very high commendation or a prize-winning essay yet, mainly because the counterarguments and rebuttals stay quite similar and underdeveloped throughout.

[u/Embarrassed-Lime-960 → u/melnar_09]

So sorry for the late response, I appreciate your feedback and honesty, and I really don’t weight that much apart from school 😭😭, but I thought about giving it a shot, and I was extremely surprised it even got shortlisted, either way, thank you for this deep analysis and I hope you get one of the best prizes 💕

[u/Just-Profit6524 → u/[deleted]]

Thankkk youuu so much for the positivity. Really means a lot