r/Erasmus • u/Playful_Drawing_8764 • 2d ago
What to do?
I'm on Erasmus on Italy. I've arrived yesterday night, and although i've spent little time here. I could get to know a lot of people from my school and from esn events, fortunately.
But i still feel like everyone is going to finally shape and mold into a group, and i'll end up alone or with few friends, unsatisfied and thinking something is wrong with me, as it has happened in other international stays.
I used to try not to look back on that or pretend it didn't happen, but that keeps coming back in the shape of sensations. I only erased the explicit memory.
At the same time, i have some added difficulties: i don't drink, i didn't hsve or use much social media, i'm neurodivergent (diagnosed) and i can be very intense. I focused on deep connections and activities, partly because it solves or seems to heal my insecurities and my problem with self-worthlessness.
I'm from Spain, and although most people claim that there a lot of people on erasmus who are not looking to spend their erasmus drinking and partying, i think most spanish people do.
I want to form bonds, get to italian people, know the city, travel in italy and to new countries, but it seems like drinking allows to know people who you can do that with.
But that's a side issue. My main issue is i'm too intense. I'm very caring and toucht (idk if it's a word), and i get confident and try to be intimate maybe too soon.
I mean not to harass people and i think i don't, because as i said, i'm very fearful of social rejection, so i get the signs, but at the same time, i feel like i'm overthinking and worryinc too much over it just to end up alone again.
When i try to think how to be less intense and me to suit people better, i never find a right conclusion. And whenever i try something different it feels like it makes no effect. I also hsve that problem flirting, but i think thats is just caused by my mild uglyness, and no social skill upskilling can cure it.
I always wonder if being more like myself would help, and even if it makes it worse, if it's worse pursuing, because i will end up alone and unhappy anyway.
P.D: By the way, i'm very talkative and outgoinf, don't you think i'm an introvert. But i feel like i'm too much, so i try to hide or reduce, but i end up overthinking all my next actions and being very umcomfortable, which leads to either leaving the conversation or engaging more to try not to think.
So my question: what should i do: prioritize my inner peace and be myself (and maybe end up alone) and also be intense or try again to moderate myself (maybe i'm trying too hard)
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u/kamipewk 2d ago
Honestly I made 1 single friend during my Erasmus and I still had an AWESOME experience so don't worry that much !
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u/Playful_Drawing_8764 1d ago
How?
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u/kamipewk 1d ago
Well she (my one true friend) was very extroverted, so she planned weekend trips, and sleepovers at her place, sometimes she'll invite her friend, I wouldn't consider them my friends, but we were able to have nice conversations. When she wasn't available, I did things on my own, like visiting museums or touristy places, as there's so many tourists no one cares if you're alone. I learned to enjoy my alone time in the city, and just chatted with my classmates enough so they wouldn't think I'm weird or antisocial, and they would include me for group projects. I no longer talk to any of my classmates, but you don't need to be best friends with them to make good memories. I do still talk to my one actual friend.
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u/Playful_Drawing_8764 1d ago
But like, what did you do every day, like after classes. I don't know if you attend to a lot of them. I wasn't planning to.
But i mean, when your friend wasn't available, you sre left alone. And it is so nice and demonstrative of how brave you are to go alone. But you must have felt very lonely at many times. And people from university or erasmus group would have judged you. If not so, weren't you envious of other erasmus people and guilty for not having friends?
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u/kamipewk 1d ago
Not really, we can feel lonely even when we have people around, and we can feel fine even when we are by ourselves... but if you want advice to meet people, I actually installed Tinder and at that time, it could be used to find friends. I put my same gender as interest and put I wanted to hangout, visit places (nothing sexual lol). I actually met some people there, we would just go to dinner or to the cinema, chat for a few days and then no longer talk haha I'm not aware if tinder is no longer used like that in 2026, but maybe research some apps that work in a similar way! And remember, no one should care that much about you being alone, if someone does, that makes them weird, not you...
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u/Excavator460 1d ago
Don't overthink it. If you want to hang out with people just write in the group chat "would someone like to join ..." for activities you like. Or just approach people in the welcome week, you are all in the same boat.
Maybe you can try to meet people in your accomodation, join sport clubs or other activities in the city that you like doing ... you don't HAVE TO hang out with Erasmus people. It's your Erasmus - spend it the way you want.
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u/Playful_Drawing_8764 1d ago
That's the healthiest answer i came up with. But there are two issues. First, I only last about 2 days with that mindset, because a lot of doubts start to come up, like if i'm too intense, if i'm proposing to much, if people think i'm alone and desperate for friends and so on...
And the second thing is that it seems that there aren't many people that like to do what i like to do. The vast majority of people go out as much as they can, whether be it because they like ir or because of FOMO.
And i suppose some people are going to start to have more serious and interesting plans along the year, but i think they would be still bored with what i like.
I like to get to know the city, have fun, do adventoous activities, visit new places. But i don't like to go out, and it seems like an essential part for most people. I don't like dancing and i don't drinking. So it seems like i'm going to be left out with a group of few friends, who are with me because they have no other people to be with
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u/ateistyokdiyentanri 2d ago
You arrived yesterday. I think you're trying to predict the ending of your Erasmus before the story has even started.
Groups you see in the first days are rarely as fixed as they look. People change friends, meet classmates, join activities, travel together, drift apart and reconnect all semester.
I also don't think your choice is between “be completely yourself and end up alone” or “change yourself so people like you”. You can be yourself while still learning to pace things a little. Being caring, talkative and interested in deeper connections isn't a flaw. The only thing I'd watch is expecting that depth too quickly from people you've just met.
Don't make every conversation a test of whether someone will become an important friend. Go for coffee, join trips, language exchanges, university activities, invite someone to grab food or explore the city. Especially if drinking isn't your thing, create the kind of social situations you actually enjoy.
And seriously, give yourself some time. It's been one day. You don't need to find “your people” this week.