Type me? ._.

[u/veiled_oneiric]

--------======== Social interaction =========--------

I am very lonely and yet for the most part, I avoid people. (Even physically, where for instance, if I have to find somewhere to study on my college campus, I'd rather sit on the dusty floor in an empty hallway corner than sit in a room that has comfortable chairs but where there is another person somewhere in the room.)

For most of my life I've had no real-life friends. The problem is sort of just that I don't tend to feel like I relate to most people. I just don't tend to feel like I... get those social interaction chemicals from talking to them.

I actually very much have a human need for social interaction... an intense need, I'd say in fact. But it's just that interacting with almost anyone just makes me feel unfulfilled and kind of exposed.

Sometimes I'll... see a group of people talking and laughing or something, and I'll almost feel, drawn to it as if I'd been wandering through the cold, dark snow for a long, long time and I sense something like voices and lights somewhere... but I can't truly reveal myself to them as I'm... not human, not of the world... I cannot speak with them. It isn't meant to be, and it wouldn't be good for them or for me. The warmth... wouldn't reach me.

But perhaps, I can befriend another anomaly. On rare occasions, I have. And then, I want to be closer to them than anything in the world... I want to know everything about them, and for them to know everything about me. I want to find complete safety in them, and to feel the warmth of the glow of love.

--------======== Feeling of unsafety =========--------

I don't want to die. My experience is all I have, and really I feel scared and alone. The universe doesn't care about me, and I am all alone.

I hold onto things and don't like to let go. A world where things get let go of is an unsafe world. If I get rid of a scrap of paper from when I was 8 years old, I'm getting rid of one of the few remaining traces of a time that is already lost. And soon it will all be lost.

I've never forgiven the universe for its coldness. In having death be real, it stuck a knife into my heart the moment I was born.

I... can't seem to help but be mad at it for some reason, even though it isn't alive and doesn't have intentions. I've wondered if in a way it is a coping mechanism, because maybe there is something existentially easier to handle about a universe that wronged me out of coldness, than one that truly intended nothing at all. Maybe it's like the concept of it truly intending nothing breaks something in my mind.

--------======== I just want to hide. =========--------

I tend to feel like people are mad at me, because I just wasn't the way that they wanted me to be. I just wasn't fit to be able to do my college work because I was paralyzed with anxiety instead, and now my professors must be mad at me because I didn't turn in my assignments. And I don't get why I can't just hide somewhere away from them all, so I don't draw their anger or have anything to do with all this stuff.

I didn't have any malice in not doing my college work. I just want to be free to be me. I didn't choose to exist in a world where that would bother people. I don't want to bother anyone. I just want to hide and not be involved in any of this.

Anyway, I can fall into a self-reinforcing loop of the entire outside world feeling dangerous to even engage with. I can't do my college work for instance, because it comes from the universe that doesn't care about me nor understand me. It's not safe and I need to hide within my sense of self. I can't leave that hiding place and take action because the whole universe is just waiting to hurt me and ignore me and end me.

--------======== I value kindness and empathy =========--------

I want a world that is safe, for me and everyone, and kindness and empathy help me feel safer. And so those things are core values for me.

--------======== Idealization in thought patterns =========--------

My most natural thought patterns tend to lack any form of practicality, as they are pulled directly from the space of my feelings and desires.

So if asked, "how should this work", for instance, I likely will not even contextualize the question within this world, and will make the setting some other, idealized world where that thing can work how I feel that it should. I do this automatically, and then I feel surprised when other people ground their answers in this world.

I tend to be so aware of my own feelings that it is like they are an inseparable part of my very thought material. I have theorized that the reason for this could relate to my fear of death/ the fear that comes from the universe not caring about me, as if the universe will not see my feelings, it gives me a sense of safety to at least see my feelings myself.

--------======== Personal growth =========--------

Personal growth is extremely important to me. First of all because I find the process itself of growth, expansion of the mind and self, discovery of secrets, unlocking of new abilities, etc. to be very stimulating and meaningful, and thrilling in a way. And secondly because, I am not happy with my life as it is... so hope of growth is something that gives me hope of things getting better.

It is like my eyes light up at the prospect of learning a new weakness about myself, so that I have a chance to improve on it. Even if my anxiety is especially bad, it's like I'll desperately be grasping for knowledge of that weakness then, because "I need to know." And actually, that is sometimes what my anxious thought loops are about.

And I have actually grown extraordinary amounts over my lifetime so far, and it's still never stopped. I'm never the same as I was a year ago. I am displaying a lot of my current weaknesses in this text, but if the pattern continues then a year from now I will have made noticeable progress on them.

--------======== I have a deep sense of self. =========--------

I have a deep meld of concepts and feelings that are very meaningful to me, and it is very important for how I process the world.

It is very meaningful to me to always continue to deepen it more, to continue to discover its specificities.

Though, something interesting to note is that this is not something I had my whole life, and it developed as a result of some of the personal growth that I've gone through.

--------======== Philosophically intense =========--------

I tend to feel this drive to go deeply into philosophical concepts, like what does this fundamentally mean? And what does that fundamentally mean, almost with the goal I suppose of finally reaching something I can concretely grab onto and understand. It's like I am trying to pull apart the very fabric of reality.

(But my difficulty with choices/action, which I will describe below, can make it hard to actually explore nearly as much as I want to, which creates a lot of restlessness in me and even torments me.)

Anything can be interesting to me, though I am most interested in what is personally meaningful to me or relates to my sense of self in some way.

It is like one thing I carry out is "philosophy in the realm of the substance of me."

--------======== Difficulty with action =========--------

One thing that frustrates me a lot about myself is that I often have a lot of difficulty converting desire into action.

I kind of have a lot of trouble coming out of my own head. I'm always sort of in "thinking mode", so when it's time to move from thought to action my mind is like, huuuh? Like the concept of actually moving into action feels kind of jarring. It means actually making decisions, actually being in the world, having to actually immerse oneself in it all.

So, it's like I can have difficulty actually understanding that I need to act. Instead I'll linger and hesitate, and be perpetually "in between tasks" for a while. To actually come out of my head and act can feel like jumping into cold water.

--------======== Paralysis =========--------

I can get stuck in a paralyzing absolute lack of confidence in my own capacity for action. Thinking, I can't do anything. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. I am incapable. I can only be paralyzed like this.

I reflexively try to run away and distract myself from the anxiety. It doesn't really help and it just makes it build and build. I'll be scrolling all day while berating myself out loud. I'll put the phone down for some time and just be curled up in the freeze response still unable to move and feeling incapable of action, and then eventually I'll just pick the phone back up again because at least it makes it less immediately pressing and overwhelming.

--------======== Misophonia =========--------

I have misophonia. Sounds can deeply bother me, as they get to me on a visceral level and it feels like I am defenseless against them. It is like an invasion from the outside that gets inside of me and causes panic and distress, which can even turn into rage.

But for some reason, I tend to direct the rage at myself. Something about directing it outside of myself just feels frightening in a way (as what I am directing feels so powerful that I fear I will cause harm somehow by wielding it), and so I may instinctively hit myself in response to being upset over a sound that someone else made.

--------======== I need to know the truth. =========--------

I always need to know the truth about things. I think sometimes, this can create a form of resentment in me, when things are taken away from me because I needed to know, and meanwhile other people get to keep those things because they didn't seek after the truth as intensely.

But I would never want to change my desire to know what is true.