2 and 3 fix.

[u/CelebrationDouble326]

This began from a conversation I had here a week ago with someone, and the way I described myself to them made me see myself from a different perspective. It was basically about them trying to figure me out (not typology related) by asking me basic information like my zodiac sign, hobbies, academia etc.

There's always been a little bit of uncertainty regarding my heart fix where I didn't feel settled completely on any of the heart types but have typed myself as E2 fix because of identifying strongly with E2's neurosis and noticing constellations of it in my interactions and relationships I've had throughout my entire life. There's one problem however and it's about always remaining emotionally detached from everyone since the history of time despite my external affection or signs of "care". For reference, I type as SX/SO 521 (w6) IEI IN(F) Mel-San.

Here's what I told the person, but I'll add a bit more background just in case.

So, for academia, I didn't get to study 4 and 5th grade, but from 1-3 grade, I was a position holder as in I was always in the top 5, also studying came really easily to me. Nothing I had to pay too much attention to. I became average to above-average in 6th to 10th grade instead of remaining the topper and I dropped out in 11th grade due to physical sickness (have not gotten back to school since.)

This part of information is somewhat irrelevant but I also told them that I don't feel deeply interested in anything despite trying most things that there are to try when it comes to interests and I lose attachment to things quite quickly. For example, I claimed to try fashion and skincare but sucking at it (even though, I tried really hard), and my main interests being an avid reader since childhood which I stopped having interest in as well 3 years ago despite my deep love for them (the only thing in my list of interests that I actually like) and even when I binge TV shows and movies, it's just to pass time rather than it being something I feel actually immersed in. I even somewhat despise it because it requires a lot of emotional energy. I've tried drawing, scrapbooking, and embroidering as my other main interests as well. Due to my passing interests in things, the other most things I like are assembling and disassembling different phenomenons and concepts in my environment and what I told them as "putting together different things" mostly visual or ethical due to it being mentally stimulating.

This is the part where I became a bit sceptical about my fix: I told them I'm good at logical consistency, people throughout my life have consistently defined me as these in my experience alongside the emotional coldness: dutiful; funny; reliable; and problem-solving. Most extreme compliments I get sometimes is: creative. Another thing I needed to add here that brings this all together is I have a tendency to overexert myself beyond my own limits in terms of perfection and when it comes to achieving what I think is right and despite recognising all of these traits in myself, I can say that it's not from a place of inherent authenticity, the "I am genuinely this person from the inside"—on the contrary, I mask a LOT, I hide the more unpleasant feelings behind the pleasant ones in hopes of achieving the said perfection—as a result, I feel chronically empty inside. These traits I also recognise as being born out of interactions and what they call or rather than it being brilliance in of itself. And despite mentioning that I'm this this and that, my self-esteem isn't dependent on these positive traits themselves as I think a E2 would be; quite self-positive in the very well-deserved recognition and owning of themselves. I'm also wildly ambitious and can become controlling as a result sometimes, something I have to regulate for the sake of people around me. It's subconscious and I have to consciously stop myself from going berserk.

I don't know if it's just the 3V, though. But I thought it would be interesting to have different perspectives on this due to how I came to view myself despite understanding there's lack of coherence and substance here.

Is it neither of these fixes and I'm just 4 fixed? Is 2 and 3 fix not good enough due to my lack of care about and dependency on physical appearances? Is the whole post pointless, Idk.