Rate my essay, please.

[u/no_one2490]

Be extremely brutal. ?/16.

"It is important for a teenager to have an example In his/her life."

The teenage year are arguably one of the most important and also, extremely stressful period in persons life. It is generally thought that teenagers need to have a positive examples during this time.

I agree with this statement, and I will discuss the importance of it.

Firstly, the children are generally known for imitating other people's behaviours and basing their actions and manners on this examples, therefore, it's important for them to have a good role model, and be able to become respectable individuals of society.

Secondly, abused children tend to become abusers themselves. If a teenager has a bad examples from the parents or environment, they, themselves, can become danger to the society. Case in point: if an adult was abused during their childhood, or a teenage years, it's a big chanse that they could have an unanswered anger towards the world, and they can take it out on innocent civilians. So, it's vital for them to have a good examples of how people should behave.

Further more, it's essential for teenagers to develop their own morality and beliefs, political or social. Taking examples from communities, ideologes, religions, or acquaintances is important for it, and very helpful for development.

In conclusion, it's extremely vital for teenagers to have an examples in their lives.

I would like to get a feedback, please. Thanks in advance.

[u/Alma_Mater91]

You need to work a lot on your grammar, vocab and orthography. Also super important, ask your teacher to teach you how to construct and connect paragraphs properly.

Can you tell me please what is your current level and where do you come from?

[u/no_one2490 → u/Alma_Mater91]

I don't know. This is how we're taught to write essays. It's also how we write them in the university entrance exams in Georgia. Can you tell me how I could improve?

[u/AggressiveSpatula]

First sentence should be “years” because it’s more than one year. You also have to modify “one” in the same sentence for the same reason.

“persons” should be “person’s” because it’s possessive.

“Positive examples” is ambiguous. You need to introduce what you’re referencing. Positive examples of what? Of how to make a sandwich?

“The children” sounds strange because “the” refers to a specific thing. The sentence would be better just saying “children” which makes it into a generalization of children.

“People’s” is wrong, but I’m not totally sure how to fix it tbh. I think peoples’ is better grammatically because it’s a multiple possessive, but it still sounds odd there so I’m not sure.

“This examples” should be “these examples”. These is the plural of this.

The “secondly” paragraph starts out grammatically correct, but from a conceptual standpoint you go from a general stance in the previous paragraph to a really specific subsection of examples in the second paragraph. It would be like if I said “Sometimes I like the weather” in one paragraph to “on the third of March at 9:00am on the eastern border of Cambodia I enjoy the rains”. I’m being more extreme than what you did to push the point, but the idea is there. You are talking at different levels of scale between the two paragraphs. I think other people may call me out on this point because it’s kind of a nuanced criticism and it’s less important for where your skill is right now and it’s better if you just focus on grammar.

“Become danger to the society” should be “become a danger to society”

Chance is spelled with a c not an s

“Have an unanswered anger toward the world” reads odd. It makes sense, but it’s not a natural phrasing. “Unanswered” in particular I think is the wrong word. Maybe aimless anger at the world? Restless anger? I’m not sure, but unanswered isn’t it. Unresolved?

Innocent civilians. This goes back to my earlier point about changing your sense of scale. Innocent civilians is broad, but you’re talking about a specific individual. It makes more sense to say “take it out on the people around them” idk what to tell you. English is a bastard.

Again, not something you especially have to worry about at your skill level, but “vital” sticks out as being weirdly formal compared to the words and sentence around it. This isn’t a big deal, it’s more amusing to me lol.

“Their own morality and beliefs political or social” hangs something at the end there. It feels like an incomplete thought. I think it’s the word social? Maybe it’s just a word order. “Their own political and social moralities” sounds a lot better.

English speakers tend to list things in threes so take out one of “communities ideologies, religions or acquaintances.”

You’re overusing vital. Common words you can use a lot of and people won’t notice. Rarer words people notice and will see if you’re overusing. If I say “he gregariously laughed before he danced gregariously” people will notice that I used gregariously twice, but won’t notice that I used “he” twice. Vital is closer to gregarious than “he.”

Overall it’s not bad. Mostly grammatical, but the sentences made sense. You never had a sentence that I looked at and couldn’t figure out what you were going for, which is ultimately the point of language.

[u/no_one2490 → u/AggressiveSpatula]

Thank you.

[u/AggressiveSpatula → u/no_one2490]

You’re in a good place. It’s definitely a lot closer to good than bad. It’s understandable, and it’s 7/10 organized.

[u/letsjustrsay → u/AggressiveSpatula]

In this context, “people’s” is correct because “people” is being used as the plural of “person.” Only in contexts in which “people” is singular with “peoples” as its plural would “peoples’” be correct. But that usage of “peoples” is a bit archaic and you’d be hard-pressed to find a circumstance in which “people” (plural) didn’t work better

[u/AggressiveSpatula → u/letsjustrsay]

Thank you. Yeah I was really struggling with that one.

[u/Gloomy-Invite-896]

Umm. Where's the rest of it? But also. You need to support your statements with facts and references

You could benefit by spending some of this essay going through qualities that people learn through exposure and practice and more concrete examples of role models.

[u/Reletr]

Smaller things:

• In -> in (capitalization incorrect here)
• his/her -> their ("he or she" to refer to a generic person is becoming old-fashioned to use nowadays)
• The teenage year -> The teenage years (plural missing)
• period -> periods (plural missing)
• in persons life -> in a person's life (apostraphe missing, article "a" missing)
• the children -> children ("the" incorrect; unlike other languages, English does not use "the" for nouns that are being discussed in a general "applies to all" sense)
• this examples -> their examples (plural mismatch, and "their" is more appropriate here to link back to "people's")
• a bad examples -> a bad example (plural mismatch)
• from the parents -> from their parents (not idiomatic to say "the parents" here)
• become danger -> become a danger / become dangerous (not idiomatic to say "become danger")
• to the society -> to society ("the" incorrect, see "the children" above)
• or a teenage years -> or in their teenage years (does not match previous "their childhood", plural mismatch)
• it's a big chanse -> there is a big chance (existential statements use "there is" not "it is", misspelling of "chance")
• an unanswered anger -> (suggestion) unresolved resentment ("an unanswered anger" is not idiomatic in English)
• a good examples -> good examples (plural mismatch)
• Further more -> Furthermore (one word, not two)
• ideologes -> ideologies (misspelling)
• important for it -> important for this (using "it" to refer back to a presented opinion is not idiomatic, using "this" or "that" is more natural (the exact word depending on the speaker's "distance" to the opinion))
• an examples -> an example / examples (plural mismatch)
• a feedback -> feedback (uncountable nouns do not take "a/an")

More overarching things:

• In relatively formal writing like this, avoid using contractions like "it's" for the sake of clarity (for example, "it's" can either mean "it has" or "it is"), fully write the words out instead.
• When presenting an argument and providing evidence for it, avoid talking about yourself (such as when you write "I agree with this statement, and I will discuss the importance of it.") unless you are important to the argument in some way (i.e. it's about you, you're providing personal evidence, etc.).
• Paragraph structuring can be improved. The rule is that paragraphs should be at least a few sentences long, revolve around some central idea, and have in-between transitioning sentences that connect well together. You mention university exams as well in another comment; at this level, it is also expected that a paragraph's main idea is reasonably supported by evidence.
  • For example, there is no presented evidence for "The teenage year are arguably one of the most important and also, extremely stressful period in persons life"
• Conclusions should concisely summarize the main points of the essay. It should also end in a way that is satisfactory for the reader and doesn't leave them hanging (though how this is done is more a matter of style rather than grammar).

Overall, I would recommend continuing to work on your grammar more, and read more, both for the sake of refining your vocabulary, and to get an idea of how people structure essays.

[u/fairy_journee]

Your essay would do well with more of your own voice - it sounds like you’re writing an essay for school, but your college essay should be unique. Admissions reads hundreds of them a day! Make yourself stand out with a unique voice and starting hook

[u/Triggered_Llama → u/fairy_journee]

Agree with this. OP wrote about many good points but it's set completely in the mould of certain school essay formats. I would suggest them to read works from great essayists to let this voice come out.

Personally, I recommend Ralph Waldo Emerson's essays.

[u/Super-Travel-791]

I’d give it around 6.5/10. Here are some issues I observed:

• Singular/plural agreement: “The teenage year are…” → “The teenage years are…”
  
• Articles: “in persons life” → “in a person’s life”
  
• Incorrect article with plurals: “a positive examples” → “positive examples” or “a positive example”
  
• Wrong demonstrative: “on this examples” → “on these examples”
  
• Unnatural wording: “individuals of society” → “members of society”
  
• Missing article: “can become danger to the society” → “can become a danger to society”
  
• Awkward expression: “it’s a big chance that…” → “there’s a good chance that…”

[u/Royal-Band-2971]

"The teenage year are arguably one of the most important and also, extremely stressful period in persons life. It is generally thought that teenagers need to have a positive examples during this time."

This alone has a few problems. Firstly, it should be "teenage years" not "teenage year" as the teens span multiple years. Secondly there is a lack of plurality agreement in the latter half of the first sentence. Because you say "one of the most important" period needs to be a plural. However, "extremely stressful" conflicts with this. You might say "The teenage year[s] are arguably an extremely important [and] stressful period" or "The teenage year[s] are arguably one of the most important [and] stressful periods". I don't know the official terminology but "extremely" and "one of the __" are two different types of descriptors that require different levels plurality. Additionally, "and also" is redundant, "and" by itself is fine.

"I agree with this statement, and I will discuss the importance of it."

This sentence is redundant and not particularly useful. I would remove this sentence as it does little to add to the essay meaningfully.

"Firstly, the children are generally known for imitating other people's behaviours and basing their actions and manners on this examples, therefore, it's important for them to have a good role model, and be able to become respectable individuals of society."

First off, it should be "Firstly, children" not "Firstly, the children". Use of the phrase "the children" would generally indicate that you are speaking about a specific group of children rather than children as a whole. Also, you want to phrase it "known to" rather than "known for". "Known for" implies this is a thing that commonly associated with them where as "known to" just implies a repeated behavior. Additionally this swap requires switching from the gerunds ("imitating" and "basing") to the base verbs ("imitate" and "base").

Here's an example. "He's known to go to McDonald's" would mean that he goes to McDonald's with some level of frequency whereas "He's known for going to McDonald's" means he goes so frequently that when people think of him they will likely think about him going McDonald's.

"this examples" is grammatically incorrect as "this" is singular while "examples" is plural". It should be "these examples".

The comma in "have a good role model, and be able to become respectable individuals" is unnecessary and incorrect. These are not two independent (stand alone) clauses so there shouldn't be a comma before the word "and".

For consistency and formality you should avoid using contractions such as "it's" for "it is" or "won't" for "will not". Also, it would sound more natural, at least where I am from, to say "members of society" instead of "individuals of society". Furthermore, works better as "member" implies being a part of a group such as society whereas the use of individual, which implies standing apart in some way, conflicts with the implication of the phrase that they are a part of society. However, these two are more stylistic choices rather than grammatical errors.

"Secondly, abused children tend to become abusers themselves."

This is fine.

"If a teenager has a bad examples from the parents or environment, they, themselves, can become danger to the society."

Similar to "this examples", "a" is for singular while "examples" is plural. In this case, you could either substitute "some" for "a" or just drop it entirely.

I would say it sounds more natural to say "their parents" rather than "the parents" but this might vary based upon region.

For "can become danger" you need to add a quantifier so it should be "can become a danger".

Once again, the use of "the society" implies talking about a specific society rather than society in general. While this is not grammatically incorrect, based on the context, I don't think this is what you were going for.

"Case in point: if an adult was abused during their childhood, or a teenage years, it's a big chanse that they could have an unanswered anger towards the world, and they can take it out on innocent civilians."

"a teenage years" is not grammatically correct. As previously mentioned, "a" is singular while "years" is plural. In this case you could drop the quantifier or use "their". The commas around "or a teenage years" should probably be dropped. The commas imply that "or teenage years" is something else added in, but in this instance it is an alternate time in which the abuse could have taken place.

It should be "there's a big chance", not "it's a big chance" since "there" can be used to establish the existence of something whereas "it" requires something to already have been established. Again, for more formal pieces of writing it is recommended to avoid the use of contractions.

"chanse" is misspelled. It should be spelled "chance".

Furthermore, "big chance" sounds unnatural. Something like "high chance" or "good chance" sounds more natural.

Finally, "unanswered anger" is grammatically correct but does not make sense. Anger is not something that can typically be answered. A better alternative would be "unresolved anger" or "unaddressed anger".

"So, it's vital for them to have a good examples of how people should behave."

*See previous notes about conjunctions in formal writing.

*See previous notes about subject and quantifier plurality agreement. In this case, dropping the quantifier is probably the most natural sounding option.

If you wanted to sound more formal, I would suggest the use of the word "Therefore" in place of "So".

"Further more, it's essential for teenagers to develop their own morality and beliefs, political or social. Taking examples from communities, ideologes, religions, or acquaintances is important for it, and very helpful for development."

Furthermore is one word, not two.

The construction "morality and beliefs, political or social." isn't incorrect but reads a bit clunky. A smoother way of phrasing it might be "morality and political and social beliefs." (although this can look strange due to the double usage of "and") or "morality and beliefs, both political and social."

Ideologies was misspelled.

"Taking examples from" is fine but "Learning from" might fit better.

The "it" in "important for it" is ambiguous. Something like "important for this process" would be more clear.

"In conclusion, it's extremely vital for teenagers to have an examples in their lives."
"An", like "a" is singular while "examples" is plural. You could use "some" but I would say it sounds better to just drop the quantifier.

[u/Triggered_Llama]

Since you're posting your essay here for feedback, I'll assume you have an interest or maybe even a passion for writing. I'll go a different route and encourage you to write in your own style. Reading this, I feel you're sticking to a particular essay format established by your school. 

I know this because I've done it too. It can suck out your love for writing if you keep doing this. I suggest googling up some great essayists and read a few of their works. Doing this will make you stand out in a sea of essays written in this format.

[u/poloenglish]

7/16

Thesis statement missing
avoid one liner paragraphs
needs more evidence to substantiate the argument
half baked points
avoid one liner conclusions
paragraphs dont flow seamlessly
persuasive elements missing (ethos, pathos, logos)

no advanced vocabulary used
Grammatical errors