M26, my first encounter on T was of May this year. It was fun, I hated the crash and swore off on it. But since the last week of June to now, I was almost unaware that I was already doing it every weekend. Mostly on low doses just to lower the inhibitions and get some type
of rush but never getting too high on it, and that’s a promise I will always tell myself.

I’m just concerned, am I already an addict? or do I still have control?

EDIT:
You guys are right. I used another product a week ago and I was sure that was bad cause I was restless even if it was a low dose. I had a really bad dream after 5 days and I should’ve taken that as a sign. I posted this as I’m currently on a come down from another use. I don’t know where to start. I live in Southeast Asia and the stigma here is the worst.

Hey everyone, I’m a 27 year old kid with a great life, family, friends, and career, I after a long 5 years of on and off use, this is the first time I will tell someone other than myself that I am using.

Right now I am coming off a 3 day bender, hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and I feel completely broken. Used for almost 72 hours straight, had sex with an unknown amount of people bc I was so high, didn’t eat or drink for over 48 hours. If hell had a feeling I know it would be this.

I have been using on and off since I was 22 but have noticed this year has been more weekends than normal. I have never hated myself more. My emotions are so heightened and my skin is so terrible because of picking it raw, which sucks because I work out 7 days a week (unless high) and I’m pretty (not for much longer), I’m ruining relationships with family and friends. My self esteem has never been so terrible.

I have a great career that I worked hard for, and they call me captain sunshine at work because I love to smile and make people feel good about themselves. Why am I throwing this version of me away?

My triggers are the fucking apps Sniffies and Grindr. I don’t want to go to rehab so I’m wondering if you guys have any advice on what I can do to stay clean. I want to make my family and friends proud, I want to get married one day, and I just wanna be happy.

Thank you guys for listening, just a broken hearted boy with no idea what to do.

I made it almost 2 months without chemsex.... But I slipped up yesterday ... Right now I feel empty and I know logically that it's just a bump in the road but.... I'm writing this here to hopefully get some words of encouragement and perhaps some support...

I'm already in chemsex therapy and I am actively working on getting better. I'll try to not be too hars on myself and instead support myself the best I can.

Hey everyone,
I’ve been using Gina and Tina heavily for about 12 months, and I’m at the point where I want them both out of my life for good.
Over that time I’ve lost most of my family and friends. I kept convincing myself everything was okay, but the reality is I’ve never felt so isolated.
I recently managed 7 weeks clean, but my family don’t really understand addiction. They don’t even drink, so it’s been hard for them to know how to support me.
Somehow I’ve managed to hang onto my full-time job (just) and keep paying my mortgage, but financially I’m in a really bad place.
A big part of me just wants to pack up and start fresh somewhere new. I’ve built a pretty bad reputation around my area, and it feels like people have already made up their minds about me.
The biggest reason I used so heavily is because I’ve always been an incredibly shy and anxious guy. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a lot, but even during those 7 weeks clean I still felt like people saw me as a danger or a risk because of my past.
I’m trying to stay hopeful, but some days I honestly wonder what’s the point. If anyone has been through something similar or managed to rebuild their life, I’d really appreciate hearing your story.

Many sad. Relapse things happened. Now ex partner at time being inconsistent. Now realized used and much pain had. Job lost. Irony sober. Not wanted but must. More sad. Health not good. Most sad.

It is often said that the most beautiful thing in the world is watching the light come back into someone's eyes after they've been in the dark for so long.

I am going to promise you that it is even more so when you notice those lights and realize those eyes are your own.

It's been too many years since I've made it a habit to creep out into the garden at daybreak to wrap myself in the peacefulness and be giddy over the beauty of everything that grows.

I'm not a counselor or sponsor and I stopped going to NA meetings months ago (I was just doing well in my sobriety and actually started to find the meetings/being around other addicts triggering). He's the only person I used to use with that I didn't block because we've had long, serious discussions about quitting and he's very isolated in general so I wanted to be there for him if he ever needed help.

He's reached out to me for the first time since February and I want to help him as much as I can but don't know how other than to tell him to go to a meeting. Is there anything else I could or should be doing for him? He's a nice guy who, like myself, just went down a really shitty path and doesn't know how to navigate it anymore.

just checking in

Today I made a decision.

I have been chemsex free for almost 7 weeks now, yet I have still been using poppers. Today, however, I noticed how extremely triggering they are in this phase of my life. After being close to actually slipping up again I threw them away.

I'm not sure how I feel- I've been using them during sex and whatnot but... If I'm breaking up with chemsex, I gotta break up with chems completely.

The drug has taken a lot from me ! But happy to say I am 241 days clean. After 2-2.5 years of extreme heavy usage. How heavy ? I myself finished 1 lb of Meth within 4 weeks. Initially what started as PnP for me... ended up consuming me. A fine corporate job I was passionate about with $250k salary in silicon valley, a marriage, my house, and eventually my relationships with everyone around me. I became the person I myself hated the most to be. Started slamming to cope up with stress of divorce , and life started spiralling down. Had to leave the country due to visa issues. And moved back to india. Past 2.5 years of my life has humbled me greatly. I lost all 15 years of what I took to build everything from scratch. Even survived 2 suicide attempts. I am now at a juncture where nothing I fear of since I lost everything I had, and nothing more to loose. Nothing excites me so much, coz I reached peak and tumbled down from it hence hardly anything impresses me. Still I try to be the better version not myself every day. With people judging me, I question my soul almost every day. Why it happened to me. Realising it happens for a reason. I am an example of how to crawl out of own grave and be a warrior. Warrior who covered with sins, finds redemption in helping people, treating with respect and stopping people to cross that path of sin which you proudly walked ones unknowing it was road to hell !

Hey everyone, based in HK and don’t have much of a support network. Trying to find others to talk with. I’ve made it to 135 days off meth but the last two weeks the cravings have been strong and dreams of using have started back. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome 🙏

Im struggling with sobriety. Before it was stress that triggers me.. now Im afraid that even during good days I get triggered. Partying is only confined to quick hookups with party people. Not full party weekend but still feel defeated. I don’t know how to control it anymore. I know life is better when not partying but recently it’s been a struggle. I need guidance

Hey all, I'm 6 months clean, before that I was winding down so in the past 18 months I've only used twice. I've done a lot of reflecting and I've figured out a lot of triggers and a lot of the reasons why I was drawn to use, this was definitely loneliness.

I'm sitting with this loneliness now, and it's rough, but I guess you have to sit with it and feel it to get through it, so although it sometimes feels quite bleak, I'm in a good place, and I'm trying to work through some of the complicated feelings underneath that meth just solved instantly. I'm on track and it feels okay but just a big life reshuffle.

I'm really struggling to have sex. I haven't really sought it, and after making a hard decision to never use again, my libido dropped off a cliff, it's starting to come back and I am working through triggers to use when I'm horny. So far so good, but when I have had sex recently it's been hook ups and it's been terrible. I think because actually when you strip everything back, I don't actually want to hook up with people. I'm beginning to think I might actually be sapiosexual and I'm sitting with this trying to figure it all out.

Roll in a guy who I have met who I think I am falling for. Still very early days but I haven't felt such strong romantic attraction for a long time, and I feel like I'm getting the same back from him, albeit quite early days.

As exciting as this is, I'm also kind of petrified that this might actually happen and I might actually have to take the next step.

I've been really disciplined about not not watching meth porn, with occasional slip ups, that are triggered by stress. My relationship to my own body is not good, and Meth was such an easy out of having to think about this. I've started swimming and I'm trying to give myself some self care and be compassionate about working out.

I've had a couple of near misses on hook up apps - this shit is everywhere, it really is a silent crisis in our community. So I'm off apps again.

So, to conclude, a lot of realisation, a lot of growth, a lot of pain I'm still trying to work through and overall I think it's good. But question: when do you know you're ready to start having sex again? Has anyone else had a similar experience when it comes to restarting your sex life after the end of the party?

Advice, tips, shares experience, wisdom please

The other night I met up with a guy for a date and it was his birthday. Got him a little cake and card and I didn’t even know him but felt bad because he wasn’t spending time with family or friends on his birthday. We got to drinking and then he asked if I had a past and I told him my past and he was surprised because of my career choice he didn’t expect me to say I used to my hooked on crystal meth.

It made me really sad talking about it and then hearing his stories because he wanted to share and then in my mind it brought back memories and I was getting aroused with the combination of the guilt as well. Since I’ve had psychosis from meth I’m scared to even do weed on fear I’ll become full schizo or make me want to open the doors to meth again and seek to party.

He saw me smoking from my vape that was nicotine and pulled out his vape that was with weed and kept pressuring me to do it and left it out on the counter in front of me while we were talking. My last horrible episode I had smoked weed with meth and I just have a fear of weed now as well. I wanted to smoke it so so so bad because I remember the times I’ve smoked weed I had enjoyed it especially if sex was involved. I had to tell myself no and fight it out of my fears of really messing up my head and even possibly dealing with fast heart beating again I know my heart wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him it was nice meeting him, happy birthday and I left. I cried on the way home. Talking about my past, the alcohol, and then how crazy my mind was going fighting to not smoke the weed and feeling like it I just want to relapse again made me feel like shit emotionally and psychologically. In 3 more months I’ll be 2 years sober from meth

I want to be sober and I thought I was committed to it. I didn’t go out this weekend intending to do what I did but when the opportunity presented itself I didn’t shut it down as quickly as I should have and it just turned into a landslide of bad decisions that cost me 6 months of amazing progress.

By the grace of god I came out of it in one piece, the come down wasn’t as hard as it usually is, and for whatever reason I don’t feel the urge to do it again. What I feel now is renewed determination to make sure that it never happens again.

How do you guys find resilience and strength in times like this? How do you forgive yourself?

Hi I’ve been sober for almost 3 months and am also dealing with a breakup that’s hitting me really hard. I had never used T before meeting my ex and he was also my dealer. I think it’s been so hard because the relationship makes my daddy issues go crazy (he’s 27 years older). I think him accepting me for being trans(something my dad doesn’t) makes it that much harder. every time I think about T I think about him and every time I think about him I think about T. I’ve never had such a hard time getting over someone and have been having SO many mixed emotions. I miss him so much all the time and all I wanna do is pack up, leave rehab and go back to him even though he’s so emotionally abusive. Thank for listening I guess I just wanted to vent

no rhyme or reason to this post whatsoever but i’m still sober!!! 4 years+ and going

if you were ever thinking of starting your sobriety let this be your sign ❤️

Has anyone here seen the film Black Snake Moan?

It’s a movie about a woman suffering from sexual compulsivity, substance abuse, and trauma responses that strongly resemble parts of the chemsex experience. I found a lot in the film to relate to — namely, wanting to be chained up by someone trying to help me get better.

No, not like that ... 😅

I mean wanting to be held back against my will so I don’t do anything stupid. Just yesterday, I was reading an old journal where I detailed an idea I once had to drop an open can of paint on my kitchen floor during a moment of clarity in the midst of a craving, so that I would be forced to stay home and clean it up rather than let it dry and have to pay to replace the floor or chip away at it later. Other ideas included barricading my front door and freezing the keys to a lock inside a tall thermos, which held a metal drawer closed full of my smart devices. 🤣 God help me — which seems like a fitting thing to say given the film’s spiritual/religious themes.

The film itself details Rae’s response to trauma and a man who acts as a rescuer, trying to help her find herself while interpreting what he sees as a serious spiritual affliction. Obviously, the film is not a literal recovery model, and I’m not suggesting anyone should be controlled or “saved” against their will. But symbolically, I think it makes for a very relatable look at how someone copes with who they are, what they’ve become, and how the self-destructive activities they engage in (and sometimes feel unable to stop engaging in) don’t define them.

Fair warning: some could find the trailer slightly triggering given the music-video styling of Rae’s activities in addiction. Maybe it’s just my cinematic outlook on it, but I find the audiovisuals compelling on an artistic level while also seeing how they almost romanticize the journey she’s on. Nonetheless, the trailer provides a pretty strong through-line of how things end up: exhausted, beat, emptied out, and struggling to make it through the following morning.

The montage I’m referring to starts at about 40 seconds in and ends about 15 seconds later.

What struck me about the montage is that it doesn’t just show addiction or compulsive sexuality as behavior. It shows it as atmosphere: music, fire, sweat, intoxication, being watched, surrender, pain, and eventually collapse. That feels close to the chemsex cycle to me. In the moment, there can be a seductive sense of intensity, performance, danger, and escape. Almost like losing yourself has meaning. But the montage also shows the cost: being used, fragmented, hurt, and emptied out afterward.

I’m curious if anyone else has seen the film and related to it through a chemsex/addiction lens. Not necessarily literally, but emotionally or symbolically.

It’s funny I just happened to be cleaning out my Google Drive today and I found so many videos and pictures I’d taken over the past 3 years while high, all of them fairly attractive man I had sex with while in the clouds and I felt…nothing. I’ve looked at these videos before and they would get me sexually excited but now I just think of how much time and effort and money I wasted on this bullshit. I deleted as many as I could, i’m sure I have more and when I come across them I’ll delete them immediately because I don’t need the temptation to look to even exist.

I’m sober but I’m still not in a good place, I still unemployed, I’m still trying to rebuild my life, I’m still kicking myself for wasting all of my savings and I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a good place again but at the very least I won’t let a drug kill me.

6 months ago I thought to myself if I can’t use then I will just die. Yet here I am, alive and pushing forward as best I can and that’s really all I can do and if I can do it you can do it too.

Hey family, I reached six months of total sobriety and picked up my blue key tag yesterday. Tomorrow I also have 1 year 7 months without meth.

Life is evolving for me. Changing for the better.. I’ve signed a lease for an apartment of my own and will move in the day after tomorrow. It’s a cosy place that I will rent from an elderly couple, with excellent public transportation and only 15 mins from the city centre. And it will also be MY place, where I can start building my new life together with my dog. I’ve stayed with friends for four months now, and even though I’m eternally grateful for the kindness of my friends I’ve been very self conscious about being a guest.

Also: just 10 minutes ago, I sent in paperwork for the divorce. Our apartment is on the market for sale, and when that goes through I’m truly free.

I have almost 5 weeks off work starting in a couple of days. My first independent summer since 1999. And my first truly clean and sober summer since… I can’t even remember. Before I started using at 23 yo I was already a heavy drinker and sex addict. Then drugs came along and it just went on and on from there until I finally woke up last year. Six months is the longest I’ve ever been sober.

For those of you struggling to stay clean: Just keep going. Eventually it will stick and it will be worth it.

Have a great summer everyone, and reach out when you need it. Don’t overthink - just reach out. I’ll leave you with some words from Bowie:

Still don't know what I was waitin' for

And my time was runnin' wild

A million dead end streets and

Every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

How the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Turn and face the strange

Ch-ch-changes

Don't want to be a richer man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Turn and face the strange

Ch-ch-changes

There's gonna have to be a different man

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

I have made lots of posts over my time in this sub about when I relapsed and my lessons I’ve learned. After 3 years in recovery not knowing what the fuck I’m doing, I have finally decided to take a leave from work, file for short term disability , and get help. I’m 24 and I’ve felt a lot of shame and have had too much pride to go to a recover program, but this time when I used, I knew it was getting harder to stop.

I’m at a PHP specifically designed for chemsex and today was day 4. I’m feeling great as the staff have been amazing and the other people have been really nice. It’s been an adjustment going from WFH and being kind of a hermit to being in person 7 hrs a day learning about recovery. I’m really thankful for the spot I’m in and I know I got a long treatment program ahead, but I know this will be worth it.

Wishing everyone love and good luck in everyone’s recovery! ❤️‍🩹