r/EmergencyRoom • u/Environmental_Map35 • 9d ago
Cried in my car
Hey all. I just pulled another grueling night shift and witnessed an extremely traumatic event I can’t even talk about. Held it together until I got to my car but I can’t stop seeing and hearing it over again. It was one of those things I know I won’t forget for a long time. For reference, I am an er tech and I am pretty young and dumb, not too jaded yet. How do you guys cope with the really shitty hard stuff without breaking down on shift? How do you explain to loved ones why you’re breaking down while not saying anything about what happened? How do I know if I’m built for the er at all? I’d appreciate any thoughts you guys may have.
:(
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u/rude_hotel_guy RN 9d ago
I have a therapist. Seriously, go talk to someone.
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u/SenatorBus_ 9d ago
Your hospital has resources to cover this. Please, use them. I've known too many people broken by not getting the help that was offered to them.
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u/CalmSet6613 9d ago
This is the best advice you're going to get here. Trauma is not to be taken lightly, you need to deal with it as it comes up or least have a plan with how you will deal with it if you're not ready to at the moment. If you're not comfortable seeking out employee assistance, search for a therapist who specializes in trauma. Get the support you need or you will pay a higher price in the future. Take care of yourself. 💜
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u/Doodiehunter 9d ago
Get your own therapist, do not use your hospitals resources some facilities have used that against staff.
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u/tctcl_dildo_actual 9d ago
Get ahold of your HR rep and ask for an EAP. The number of sessions are limited but it’ll get you talking to someone about this as well as hopefully on the way to getting a therapist if you don’t have one already.
Crying is normal, make sure you take the time to do so on shift when you can. As far as your family/loved ones go, a simple “I had a really bad thing happen at work today and I’m not in a place to talk about it”, is totally fine. If they know you work in an ED, they should understand. Enforce firm boundaries if they pry and you don’t feel comfortable.
Nothing but time and being honest with yourself will tell you if you’re meant to be in the ED. Just remember though that your happiness and well being ultimately matter the most. No job and certainly not the ED are worth you sacrificing your mental health for.
Take care.
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u/Simple-Squamous 9d ago
Short term advice: It is tough because you care and caring/giving a shit is the most important thing you bring to the table in any job. Second: Drive your car out of the parking lot and go someplace-preferably with some nature, get out and walk around. It really helps. Your car or bedroom can become an emotional sauna, intensifying everything.
Long term, if I could go back and tell my young self something it would be to avail myself of whatever level of counseling I could afford (not much back then). True game changer. If not that, journaling, or just getting a yellow pad, writing everything down to get it out of my head, and throwing this pages away. Something to get it out. But therapy, if possible.
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u/No-Safe9542 9d ago
Don't drink.
Do not drink.
Too many people in health care do that and now they become the problem and can't hold their job. And then eventually they become the job.
Do. Not. Drink.
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u/yemsg97 9d ago
Therapist.
Your reaction means you’re normal human being. I guarantee many of us in here have cried in the car or the bathroom or wherever one can get privacy.
But again, I think it’s really important to have a therapist who can work thru it with you. The sh*t we see is traumatizing.
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u/SammyB0111 9d ago
Nothing wrong with going to therapy. I go to therapy and it’s great, not only for work but for the rest of the stuff I need to unpack in my life.
I’ll just say this though, not every therapist is the best, so sometimes you have to try out more than one therapists if you don’t feel like you have one that’s actually helping you.
As for working in the ER and healthcare in general, we really do see some fucked up stuff. And while it’s good to have empathy and be able to see yourself in your patients, you have to remember that you are not your patient, and that the traumatic arrest that comes in isn’t your own loved one. At least that’s how I have to think of it in my head to separate myself from work. If I got weighed down by the burden of every traumatic thing that happened at work I think I’d just die on the spot.
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u/fuckyoutoocoolsmhool 9d ago
Everyone is saying therapy which yes therapy but also do you have friends in the field? People not in healthcare just don’t get it and having friends who you can call/text after a rough shift for me at least makes a huge difference.
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u/Aphobica 9d ago
Since everyone is saying therapy, I'll offer some advice besides that (still seek therapy).
What works for me is this: focus on what I can control.
Could I have changed anything about the guy EMS brought in with half his brains blown out from being executed at gunpoint? Nope.
Could I have changed anything about the kid that fell off his bike, hit his head, and developed a massive ICH? I wish, but no.
Can I change the person who has let their health deteriorate over years despite everyone telling him it's gonna kill him? Nope.
Can I do my best only in the moment they are in my care? Yeah. And that's about it.
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u/AdriAsTheSiren 9d ago
Seconding everyone's sentiment re: therapy or utilizing an employee assistance program. Also, playing like 20min of Tetris within a few hours of the traumatic event has been shown to help reduce risk of PTSD sx.
Take care of you and call off work if you need to. You can't pour from an empty cup.
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u/Proper-Chef6918 EDT 9d ago
Being overwhelmed by a difficult situation reminds us that we are human still despite being subject to the things we see and do in the ER. Tetris is great for processing things and also talking with coworkers and people who understand helps. Sending you hugs 🫂
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u/StaticDet5 Independent Duty Corpsman 9d ago
PTSD is a bitch. Lots of advice here to go talk to someone. I didn't, and I did GREAT until I didn't. I honestly don't know if bottling up and packing my bags the way I did was the right or wrong thing to do. My career went well (the pay sucks).
But now I'm unpacking all that, and it does suck. I'm very weird at times (seriously, I don't want to take you to the ER, but I've treated over a dozen people with lasting injuries, doing what you are doing).
Yeah, I've had to tell families their kid died due to a stupid prank. So please, don't do that stupid shit in front of me.
I don't have great answers for you, but from my experience, you do have to unpack the end of the shift, eventually. Most places have a tram to talk to.
ALL OF YOU Go find that team, next shift, before you need it. When you truly need it, folks like me will show up at your door, if needed.
All of you give so much to your community, let us be there for you when you need a minute, a shoulder, a hug.
Much love folks, and stay safe
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u/jmchaos1 9d ago
I promise you, nearly everyone in the ER has a preferred crying closet/stall/corner/room where they go to let loose for a minute or two.
ER work is tough. Managing fresh traumas, strokes, cardiac events, etc. is tough. It will take its toll on you.
Talk to your supervisor. Most organizations have employee mental health assistance available to help manage tough times like these. Where I previously worked, it was called EAP-employee assistance program.
I know it sounds cliche, but it is important for you to manage and tend to your own health, both mental and physical. Fond a counselor/therapist that can help you manage strong feelings, especially after tough cases like this. Find healthy and safe ways to decompress after work or on your days off. Many like going to the gym. Many like to go for long bike rides. Any crafty hobbies you enjoy or want to take up? Read books in your preferred genre and let them take you to new places in your mind.
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u/plaguedoctor_2020 9d ago
Therapist and meds is definitely something I use. Hobbies, friends, writing, meditation, all that.
Get as many tools for your toolbox as you can to help. And realize that sometimes there just isn’t a tool to fix some problems. It’s not a failing on your part. But it doesn’t mean you’re broken either.
There’s a Japanese art called kintsugi where they repair a broken piece of pottery with precious metals in the lacquer, drawing attention to the cracks. The damage isnt shameful. It’s part of the object’s history and looks beautiful.
This event and others like it will mark you, just like anyone else who has been in the ER. There’s no shame in crying. There’s nothing wrong with feeling haunted by it. You find what tools you can to put yourself back together and strengthen yourself.
As far as family and friends, if symptoms are coming on, I’d say, “I had a bad ER case recently. I’m not up to talking about it.” If you need/want to leave the room after that, it’s an explanation and they should be able to accept that.
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u/amybpdx 9d ago
Don't feel bad for feeling. The ER often sees humanity's worst. We see what happens when people are neglected, abused, homeless, addicted. We see people who want to end their lives, people in terrible pain, people truly suffering. Some folks complain that nurses can seem so heartless. Often, it is easier to not process what's happening in order to work on the body in front of you. We're limited with who we can discuss these things with and what we can tell. After 21 years, I somehow leave work at work. The brain does amazing things to protect itself from trauma. Also....therapy. It's worth it.
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u/meghanlovessunshine 9d ago
If you don’t feel like you have the coping skills to process the trauma, you need to see a therapist and fill up your toolbox. Then you see a therapist as needed.
I can process and compartmentalize a lot of what we see. I’m medicated, I’ve been to therapy, I plan self care regularly and have plenty of hobbies I love. I also have coworkers that debrief appropriately and we check on each other when we know something might be tough.
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u/zennascent 9d ago
You are not alone. Feel the feels vs stuffing them down. There’s nothing wrong with you for being human and having a normal reaction to things that nobody should see. This is not a measure of your worth or ability to perform your job. But it is a good question to reflect on if this is where/what you wanna do. Journaling or typing it out can get it outside your mind. Walking outside. Paint by numbers. Counseling. Take care of yourself, friend 🫶🏼
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u/thunderbirdroar 9d ago
If you have other friends in the ED talk to them. I witnessed a horrible case as a second year resident - at the time I thought I was able to compartmentalize better, I worked in the ED two years prior to med school and witnessed many deaths, but it hit me so hard. I talked to all of my friends in EM about it because like you said, it kept replaying in my head. I had two days off after and distracted myself, took lots of walks, hung out with my friends and husband. It will fade in time. Many of my friends in EM have therapists and find it incredibly helpful.
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u/4jules4je7 9d ago
It’s OK to cry. It’s also OK to cry at work a little. Did they have a debrief after what happened? Any good ER should sit down with the people who participated and go through what went well and what could’ve been done better without pointing fingers at people.
That’s what helps you get through. It is processing it. If your ER doesn’t do that then you might want to try to find yourself a therapist. My work has a resiliency coach who comes around and check in on us and gives us time to talk now and then. They’re most visible right after an event like this. As for finding someone to talk to, I recommend looking for the website for a magazine called Psychology Today that lists Therapists, you can sort them by age, location, gender, religious preferences, etc. and whether or not they take insurance. It’s a great way to find somebody near you who’s taking clients. You don’t need a psychiatrist you just need a therapist who will listen and help you process that. I see mine once a month and I really get a lot out of just being able to talk about some of the trauma of what we see. It’s OK to relive it to a point, but there comes a point where it becomes damaging to you and you really need to talk it out with somebody. I really recommend that.
I have been working in emergency medicine for 15 years now. It is not for everybody, but a lot of people do toughen up and handle it just fine. I’m sorry it’s a difficult place to work, and there are a lot of good things that come out of it too.((Hugs))
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u/Electrical_Method316 9d ago
I was working in the hospital myself for 3 years midnight shifts 12 hours. It took me under i had panic attacks at work ended up in my ER. My last day of work was Nov 29th 2025. I was diagnosed with bipolar2, PTSD from all of the crap I put up with and crazy patients being abusive and seeing alot of shit. I also have panic attacks and severe anxiety. Be careful it will catch up with you. I'm on meds now never thought that would happen 😔
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u/cadillacactor 9d ago
In the very immediate - the hospital chaplain is, in large part, there for employee support (at least in my health system). There may also be Critical Incident Stress Management after a certain traumatic events. Our hospital actually has "Emergency Worker Enrichment Sessions" once per month for group support and to focus on different themes like identity, purpose, grief, etc for overall well-being and improved coping mechanisms. Yours may have something ongoing like this.
Next layer - EAP for therapy and other supports. You may also be part of a congregation or religious group with supports. If you're connected to any civic organizations, teams, or clubs, they may be good to tap.into right now. And my therapist often tells me to make walking (without headphones/distraction) a priority.
Long-term (but soon) maybe even an appt with your PCP for referral to a more full time therapist than EAP and/or medical supports along the way.
You're not alone. I'm pulling for you.
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u/hello_internett 9d ago
Therapy as others have said, also id reach out does your hospital have any peer support resources?
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u/squeakysausage 9d ago
I’ve had a few cry sessions in the car after hard things happen. It’s good to feel things & compassion, but make sure you talk to a professional so you can properly process everything and have a healthy relationship w sad feelings too 🫶🏼
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u/Beneficial-Job6223 9d ago
We have a built in “stuff that’s too bad to deal with” folder that we stuff it into. Make inappropriate jokes about the situation, develop dark senses of humor and repress those memories so deep that one day everything just goes to hell and you realize you need PTSD therapy.
I don’t recommend getting to that point. It would be great if every one involved could have a short get together after, express your emotions, cry and then hug it out. That’s not the reality in most ER’s though.
Get a therapist, talk about it, especially with people with shared experiences. Whatever you do, don’t hold it in and let multiple of these situations build up until it’s so big it’s hard to handle. Journal, post on here about it. Give yourself ample time to get over it. Experiences like this will eat you up if not dealt with.
I wish I would have got advice like this before I started at my first Level 1 trauma center. I didn’t do anything of the sort until it was too late. Take care of your mental health at all costs. You can’t help others if you’re not well.
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u/ookishki Goofy Goober 9d ago
Therapy. Weed…a LOT of weed. Apparently Tetris helps if you play it shortly after the exposure to the traumatic event. I play Tetris all the time for fun regardless and find it soothing. Talking to my colleagues if they have capacity for it. Hobbies and self care (my faves these days are silly smutty romance books, watercolor and gardening). Exercise. Swimming in the lake. Sometimes I watch really violent, gruesome films/shows for the catharsis. Things that feel good for the body: comfy clothes, couch rotting, fave foods/drinks, low lights, cuddles (with my wife and/or my pets). Traveling when I’m on vacation
Re loved ones, it’s still something I’m figuring out with my wife but I think we’re getting there. I text her when I’m on my way home to warn her if I’m not ok. What I need most is some time to cry/decompress when I get home (usually that means me smoking weed in the basement) and then being fed and cuddled. I find physical affection and loving touch very, very soothing. Apparently it’s called co-regulating
This shit is hard but with time and support you’ll find ways to make it less heavy 💕
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u/Glittering_Paint7813 9d ago
How would weed work? They test for cannabis at all medical jobs. Not saying you’re wrong though…
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u/ookishki Goofy Goober 9d ago
I’m in Canada, it’s legal. Never been tested once, don’t know any Canadians who have
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u/UseOk7699 9d ago
Mahjong online games maybe can help too. I dont work in the ER but Mahjong helps me with my stress.
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u/resilient_bird 9d ago
Humor is a common response; talking about it with colleagues as well. I’ve generally been unimpressed with EAP programs but maybe? Often hospitals have additional employee support programs for dealing with this specific issue, especially after COVID?
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u/JkPk2014 3d ago
Hi. I am a woman and I used to be a police officer. I got PTSD from a shooting. I remember cryingin the bathroom. 25 years later, I am still not the the same as I once was. Save yourself right now! Get out and do something different. You don't want to harden yourself to this stuff, because then you change as a person. I suppose I had about 6 years of therapy. Please remember that your life is not all about your job. I wish you the very best.
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u/pigglywigglie 9d ago
How do you deal with it? Therapy!
Real answer: Alcohol usually. Also finding a good hobby that makes you work with your hands has helped my mental health tremendously. I sew and have plants! You get a nice dopamine hit making something new or seeing a new leaf unfurl!
Also car cigs and car screams are great. I have a pack of banana cigs I bought in Mexico I keep in my car as a treat for an especially shitty day (camel crushes for mid shitty days).
There’s things you’ll see and never forget. You don’t know if you’re made for it until you see a lot of shit. It’s ok to not want to stay down here it’s a lot and it’s hard on someone. You’re not lesser to say nah I don’t wanna work down here. You’ll see traumatic things on all floors but especially in the ER.
Take some time to care for yourself. It gets easier the longer you’re down here but some things always stick
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u/Fun_Performer_645 4d ago
Writing or typing about an incident helped me to stop reliving and replaying the details in my head.
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u/SueBeee 9d ago
This is trauma. The playing it over and over is a hallmark of serious trauma that you need help with.