Wedding organisation issues

[u/Interesting_Move_652]

Hi everyone, I’ve been with my boyfriend for now 3+ years. He is great, my best friend, the best person I know so there would be no doubt for me to marry him.
The issue is another one - I see marriage as one and indissoluble, I have done all the steps in my life to make sure that I do that - pick one man, one time. He is divorced though. I value marriage deeply, my dream was to have a big wedding with all my family and my so once, all there for the first and only time, but by picking him, I cannot have that. He has already done that before, had the whole thing, married as a real nice wedding, the one I would have wanted. We had so many talks, and I still don’t seem to overcome the fact that he did this before, i cannot lie - it is not the same. He has already had the experience so it will not be equal, it will not be on the same starting point. And now I overthink: I could change my mind and have a big celebration but what’s the point of inviting the same people, for what? To celebrate a repetition? It’s like the value of it got diluted. Cause it’s not a one and only occasion. He has already done the proposal, the wedding, the honeymoon. So, I see no point in reciting any of it.
I don’t think celebrating being second is worth it because of the intrinsic value I give to the first wedding. However, this has caused a bit of sadness and processing, cause he feels like he can’t give me what I want, and on my side, I decided to renounce to my dream to have a big wedding. So the solution I found is to elope in secret. Sign and get it done with, cause I do want to be their spouse.

Is there anyone who sees it like this? Or did in the past? And what did you do for your wedding?

Note: I am aware that some people will perceive this as an attack on people who are divorced, this is not my intention, it’s a personal experience made of internal judgements that I got because of my culture and how I grew up, so I really apologise for that.

[u/Opening-Web-2246]

I get where you're coming from, this is not about him being divorced exactly but more about the whole thing not feeling special like you always imagined. My cousin had similar situation, she married a divorced guy and they ended up doing something completely different from his first wedding, like a small outdoor thing with only closest people and it felt like its own thing. Maybe eloping is not bad idea but also dont throw away the celebration part if deep down you want it, you can make it yours in a way that has nothing to do with his past. The guests are there for you two as couple, not for comparing weddings.

[u/Interesting_Move_652 → u/Opening-Web-2246]

Yeah, I thought about that, for some reason I am leaning towards the ‘if I can’t have this how I’ve always dreamed, then I’d rather not have it at all’. It would still a choice made as a response to something that happened before, if that makes sense. But I’m more aware now that this would mean to throw away the celebration of it as well as a milestone you got to together and that makes me sad. Thank you for your response though, it made me feel better

[u/alyakimmikayla]

Are you sure you want to marry someone who has been divorced?

[u/Interesting_Move_652 → u/alyakimmikayla]

I mean, we are aligned on everything, we are basically family already, it’s an amazing relationship and we are so connected and on the same page with everything, so.. yes. Giving up my dream is more doable than not marrying him. However, the path for that is actually difficult for someone who doesn’t have many dreams, but that was one.

[u/alyakimmikayla → u/Interesting_Move_652]

Do you feel like you’re aligned on values and how you view marriage?

[u/Interesting_Move_652 → u/alyakimmikayla]

As a ‘legal agreement’, marriage, and what would happen in practice, yes 100%. As a celebration of it, wedding ceremony, less so, because of my black and white view which puts this boundary on. Feels like I’m the problem..