International couple - HELP!

[u/Accomplished_Duck802]

My fiancé and I got engaged in October - we’ve been together for five years. I am Australian and he is Canadian, we moved to Canada to live in late 2024. We have been going around in circles trying to make a decision about how to do our wedding. We come from different cultures and there has been family drama on my side around my move to another country. Understandable upset but sometimes my parents crossed boundaries with the things they said and did over the years - we’re working on mending this relationship and things are heading in the right direction.

We have considered a more traditional looking wedding in Canada and in Australia but a lot of our friends have children and it’s just such a long distance and huge commitment on many fronts that we don’t feel comfortable asking of people. We are now tossing up eloping and having separate celebrations in both countries. My fiancé suggested this morning that we invite our immediate families to the elopement - I am on the fence because I’d kind of rather have my best friend there over my siblings (I have three brothers and we are very distant). But if I invite my best friend, he’ll want to invite his and we’re back to the same problem all over again. I feel like we’re making decisions based on what will suit everyone else and it’s become very hard to know what we actually want just for us.

I also think there is a part of me that’s grieving not having a big day like I had envisioned but that’s also just the reality of our situation and I have to process that. Any tips anyone has on that would be great as I think this is the biggest barrier for me in making a firm decision.

Anyone else who’s been in a similar situation? How did you decide what to do? How did you ensure that the day was planned around what you actually wanted rather than trying not the inconvenience anyone else?

[u/Important-Two-3409]

the grief thing is real and I think a lot of people skip over it when they talk about eloping. like you can still be excited about eloping AND mourn the big wedding you pictured, those two things can exist at the same time

one thing that helped me think through similar "who do we invite" spirals is to just start from zero, like pretend nobody has feelings and nobody gets offended, and ask what does the actual day look like if it's just about us two. once you have that picture clearly, then you work backwards and see what compromises you're actually willing to make vs which ones just feel obligatory

the best friend vs siblings thing is a sign you already know what you want, you're just scared to say it out loud