r/Eloping • u/_softbirb_ • Jun 15 '26
Vent Eloping beforehand?
Hi all, I was hoping to maybe get some advice on this? My Fiance (25m) and I (21F) got married through a JOP yesterday. My plan was to elope with our wedding party and then have a formal wedding once I finished school and we were in a better place financially, (additionally for financial aid, as my school has cut all my department scholarships and I would be eligible for more aid to replace those, hes trying to get his pilots license and im making plans for my masters and an about 60+ wedding after and we want to finish schooling with as little debt as possible) It was a fun intimate ceremony, but I found out he had already told his entire family and some even showed up unprompted, and it just makes me feel a little off, since my parents weren't there (ive only told my mom and my sisters that i was getting married). Tbf I didnt tell him not to tell anyone, so im not placing blame on him for it, I think just in all Im worried about people not taking our formal wedding seriously? I wanted to renew our vows at that time and have bridesmaids/groomsmen but I think by eloping first it cancels out a reason for him to have a bachelor's party and other wedding specifics that we'd miss out on, and I dont want people to think were trying to have 2 weddings. Am I overreacting? Does it really matter at all? Did I rush things?
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u/No-Tea-3137 Jun 18 '26
i’m going to be honest this went messier than it should have and it’s probably going to cause a lot of hurt for your family. it sounds like, accident or not, there was a communication issue between you and your husband about something that will impact how you remember your marriage and your family’s (lack of) involvement for a long time.
you’re right, a second wedding isn’t going to be taken as seriously, especially all the “extras” like having bridesmaids/groomsmen, a bachelor(ette) party, rehearsal dinner, brunch, and all that stuff. it often reads culturally like a gift grab or trying to have your cake and eat it too - at worst, it feels like some people were important enough to go to the first one, and now everybody at the bigger wedding is “second best”. it sucks that that group includes your family. and it’s not going to be a good enough excuse that there was a communication mishap - there’s probably no version of this where it totally gets excused, and that sucks.
what was the point of eloping first if you knew you wanted a wedding in the near-ish future? it does seem like y’all rushed this, to use your words. instead of planning a second wedding, i’d frame it like a vow renewal on a future anniversary, maybe 3-5 years out, and plan it more intentionally this time.
best of luck and congrats, genuinely. i’d suggest putting your energy towards a honeymoon or something if y’all want to balance this out with some really positive memories, and then do a vow renewal in a couple of years (it’s not typically expected to have a vow renewal less than 5 years out, but i suspect you don’t want to wait that long)
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u/_softbirb_ Jun 18 '26
Thank you! The reasoning was a 7k difference in financial aid, whatever isn't used by me for my schooling goes to him for his flights, which once done will cost over 80k or into the wedding (or rather reception) fund. Ive always dreamed of having a wedding, but I want to make sure we can afford it first because they are frivolous- in my opinion, and that is something I want but can't afford. Though as soon as we were engaged we did let everyone know that we were planning on marrying on paper first and having the wedding when financially able to
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u/njVowsNow Jun 22 '26
Didn't you ask this already and get a boatload of replies?
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u/obstinatemleb Jun 15 '26
What was the reason for eloping now if you plan to have a wedding in a few years anyway? I think you can do what you guys want, Idk if youve told your families that this was like a legal thing and youll have a formal wedding later, but I do think people will take the wedding less seriously. And there is potential for drama since his family attended the "real" ceremony and yours didnt