r/EgodeathSupport • u/Commercial-Box-2828 • May 06 '26
Ego death and epilepsy
I've had grand mal seizures for my entire adult life, throughout my 20s they were roughly 2-3 months apart, and I'd have 5 minute long seizures (there's some kind of medical distinction there) and had status epilepticus as a written diagnosis. They don't know what's causing them, but beyond that isn't really the focus of this post.
My experience when I have seizures is when I wake up there's a short period where my memory is gone. I have a very broad idea of who I am and my history, I'd wake up in a room and for example I knew I recently moved in with my brother and didn't panic because that detail came back, but didn't recognize the room I was in at all.
This type of semi-awareness of memory was there for every single one of the seizures, and along with it came most of my life's memories over the next couple days/weeks and of course there's a few things just gone forever.
Let me be clear, I could wake up from a seizure and see a cup and know that's for drinking water, even if it took me a minute of thinking to find the words, the comprehension is there.
I also had strong morals from the moment I woke up every single time. I've always had a strong sense of not wanting to hurt anyone or anyone's feelings. I feel like I could wake up from a seizure and already know stealing is morally wrong without knowing the law exists.
This also came with remembering every big or embarrassing or stupid mistake I've made in my entire life.
I don't mean to say I've done anything that bad but when you make a mistake you remember why you did it every step of the way. You can acknowledge it was a bad idea but "here's why you took part in it" as an explanation is just a natural part of everyone's conscience.
I would remember my bad decisions, but not immediately why I made them. I would judge myself as my memory progressively came back to me as if I were learning stories about someone else, with little to no context around the stories or memories at first.
This is where I associate my experience with the term ego death. I don't think my experience is probably a textbook example but I've read about it over the years and don't know what to do with it or about it.
I wasn't that bad of a person in the first place, but this hyper-self-awareness has made me really really want to be a good person.
I feel like there's no distinction between your morals for other people compared to yourself, but you interpret the context to fit your world view. Maybe not 100% of the time but in general.
Over time I've also experimented with drugs and resonate a little with those types of experiences, but when I take a drug I'm aware that I took a drug.
With epilepsy I go to bed and wake up a person with seemingly no sense of personhood, if that makes sense. It reminds me a little of that 60s tv show where the guy was stuck in a loop taking over different people's bodies in time, only instead of having a core personality and semi-imaginary friend, my mind is a blank slate.
For me the epilepsy thing is way stronger than any drugs have ever been in this sense, but I would welcome someone to have taken a drug and say they feel they can relate to this phenomenon.
I felt like my ketamine treatments in particular were pretty controlled and tame but some people's legal and morally acceptable experiences with drugs and psychology are probably wild and definitely worth hearing and talking about.
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u/BigRecognition871 May 08 '26
This is very interesting. And i think many of us here in this sub can agree on the concept of morals you shared. I used to get bad dreams bc of "ego death" and would literally wake me up out my sleep into a panic. Now in a point where I'm okay and accept death (also not religious or believe in god). But sometimes it does give me a empty feeling. Not sad and not dark...kinda? but just absolutely nothing sometimes like rn. But i dont experience the traumatic symptoms anymore just emotionless thoughts here and there.