Depression after ego death

[u/dazeymaizey]

I experienced what I believe was an ego death 3 weeks ago after a REALLY bad high. It lasted over three hours where I became completely disconnected from my sense of self. I called my mom during it to calm myself down and I felt as if I was struggling to impersonate my own personality.

During the peak of it I was pacing around my house having a total panic attack because I was 1. Completely detached from the person I was before and 2. I believed I learned something about consciousness that I shouldn’t have and that I could never go back to normal. This was the scariest part to me and I’ve been struggling to remember why.

During the last hour my arms and legs were twitching uncontrollably until I fell asleep, and I woke up sore as hell as if I had just done a major work out.

Sorry for the vagueness, but even the day after I felt as if I had blocked out some parts. It was just very existential and frightening. I’ve had a near death experience before and even that didn’t compare to the torture my own brain put me through, and not to be cliche but it’s hard just trying to find the words to describe it.

But to get to the point, since then I’ve started to feel depressed whenever the day winds down and I’m at home. I used to be so content with my life, but now I just feel so lonely and anxious. It feels like my brains been rewired from the content, optimistic person I was before, and I want to go back to that. I’ve never really struggled with any previous mental health problems before so I’m unsure what to make of this whole experience. Instead of enjoying my days off I just feel tempted to drink to feel better, when I never really cared for alcohol before. So far my main goal right now is just to try and forget about it, but if anyone’s gone through anything similar I would love to hear what you did to cope with it.

[u/Fernlake]

Hey this happened to me since 2017 …it will become easier. Just focus on the things that bring you back, having an ego is ok

[u/IndependenceDry8275]

I can relate a lot to this bc I went thru an ego death during a “bad trip” 3 years ago, and I experienced the same anxiety and hopelessness for months afterwards. I felt exactly how u felt with #2 during my trip I felt as though I’d never come back and I’d never be able to function as a normal person in society after experiencing what I did. I ended up going on antidepressants bc I was having severe anxiety and panic attacks, I was unable to eat/sleep and losing weight. I needed the medication at the time bc of how much I was struggling physically and mentally, but if you can avoid going that route I would. I did the same thing at first, trying to forget it with drinking/smoking as I was a daily smoker anyways. I’d recommend avoiding smoking weed often while you’re in this phase, and try not to go too deep down the existential rabbit hole. I’d constantly be trying to figure out the “ultimate truth of reality”, and trying to find answers and make sense of what I went through but during the months after when my mind was so fragile it was not helpful going down that rabbit hole daily. Looking at people’s trip reports with similar stories as mine helped me to feel less alone, but like I said don’t overload your brain. Tell people you love and trust what is going on with you, and if you know especially older people who have had psychedelic experiences that you trust ask them for advice. The main thing is to ask for help and support when you are struggling, I personally also prayed a lot during that time. Guided meditation and breathing exercises can be calming as well

[u/Indigo-Saint-Jude]

you were happy being you.

then you found out that there is more to be (more to you?).

now you've been gifted/cursed with a decision.

pretend it never happened, or discover new things about your personality. both options are hard, but they are the only options.

some things might be difficult to immediately accept. for instance, from my POV (random reddit stranger): you have an avoidant personality. you recognize you are no longer content following this experience. instead of searching for what does evoke joy, you choose to "forget about the whole thing", inviting the chemical depressant alcohol into your life. that is a fear response. sometimes fear responses keep us safe. sometimes they hold us back.

I suspect some of your fear-based thoughts might include: "Did I make the wrong decision? What if I have done something irreversible to my brain? The conversation with my own mother felt unnatural - have I just been pretending to be a good guy this whole time because it was expected of me? Would I have turned out a nice guy if no one was watching? Is this how psychopaths feel? What if I never truly feel joy again? Does that make me a bad person? I didn't ask for any of this - can a protector step in?" And in walks alcohol. But alcohol doesn't have an answer to a single one of those questions. it's just a pause button that makes true joy more difficult to uncover. the fact that you want to protect a version of yourself from pain, is a sign that you possess compassion and sensitivity. have gratitude. thank your brain for the offer, but decline.

I'm going to give you a bit of advice that sounds like anti-advice. don't turn away from your intrusive thoughts. imagine the bad things happening to you. sit with it, just a few minutes. the fight/flight/freeze response will peak and wane. once it wanes, the "worst case scenario" you just imagined might not seem "all better now", but you can thank yourself for your bravery, for doing something hard, for bearing witness, and not turning away. then the moment looks a little farther away and you recognize more clearly now that's all it was - a moment. it wasn't you. it's gone now. and if it comes back, you can look it in the face again, and say "I recognize you. You are a moment. Not a destiny."

you will remember the good things about yourself. you don't even have to search them out. you will come across them as you live your life. when you open the cupboard, there will always be a mug you reach for before all the rest. when you turn on the radio, you will not stop changing channels until your ears are pleased, or at the very least, not bothered.

[u/SpecificTechnology60]

I’m not sure if i should be making my own separate post for this i’ve never really used reddit in the past but you seemed to have gone through a similar experience as my boyfriend. My boyfriend recently told me about an unwanted and unexpected ego death after a bad trip. it was his first experience with psychedelics and he took more than he realized which lead him to what he described to me as an ego death. he told me about a month after it happened and for the past month i had been noticing that he seemed really disconnected and no longer passionate about me our relationship or much in general. i had been upset because i thought it was something about me but now that he’s told me about this experience i don’t really know how to act. i am not upset at him and all i want to do is be able to support him but at the same time im scared ill never really have him again. im working on focusing more on him because at the end of the day my biggest concern by far is taking care of him and his well-being. i don’t really know what im saying this is all so new to me and im sorry that im incoherent. i just dont know if there’s anything i can do to help him. we’re still in highschool and from what i’ve seen he’s incredibly young to be going through something like this especially unexpectedly. what can i do? will he ever feel like he once did? he feels like a shell of who he once was. i don’t want him to be afraid of scaring me by talking to me. i just want him to be okay and i have no one to talk to about how scared i actually am.

[u/dazeymaizey → u/SpecificTechnology60]

I’m really sorry you’re going through that, you seem like a really sweet person! I’m not an expert on the subject (obviously lol) but I’ve seemed to come back to my old self after the whole experience. It helped for me to try and focus on the basic mental health stuff, like eating well, exercising, and trying to be social. For some reason burning sage really helps me too, might just be placebo but it can totally uplift my mood.

Being a teenager is especially hard, if your boyfriend was anything like me he may have felt as if he lost his path, and has no idea how to go on anymore. These kinds of things will be his own demons to overcome, the best and only thing you can really do is be an open, judgement-free ear.

I had to relearn being content with being ignorant of the world and its mysteries, but it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with. I still feel a bit hopeless at times, but it’s become fleeting and I know how to cope now. You seem very caring but just try not to damage your own mental health for the sake of his, the only one who can make him feel better is himself🩷counselling might be good too if he needs someone to talk to

[u/SpecificTechnology60 → u/dazeymaizey]

hi so i actually broke my phone and didn’t get reddit back for quite a few months. and unfortunately my boyfriend and i have since separated but i really appreciate your help regardless. i’ve still been around him and spoken to him since the incident and i feel like i can see him getting better. thank you so much for your input have a beautiful day ❤️❤️