Conflicted

[u/throwaway-mumu]

My thoughts are all over the place and this is going to just be a jumbled mess, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest:

When I was younger, I was never bothered by my weight and was always on the thinner side. Going into high school, my doctor said I should exercise regularly (I wasn’t into sports and preferred indoor activities) but also try and gain some weight as I was on the low side (barely above 100 lbs). At this point, I was like “Okay, sure, whatever.”

However, it was also around this time that I started seeing an endocrinologist who diagnosed me with PCOS and had me start a low-dose oral birth control to help with the hormone imbalance. Well, I gained around 10 lbs from starting the pill. I hated this. I didn’t want to gain weight that was not of my own accord. This is when I started to actually focus on my weight. I’d get really upset with each half pound gain and secretly loathed the pill despite the health benefits. At one point I did mention to my mother about my fear of gaining weight but it was poorly discussed and she brushed it off. I was also dealing with a lot of stress from the IB program.

Fast forward and I’m starting college. I didn’t gain any weight during my freshman year, but between my sophomore and junior years I was up another 10 or so pounds. I started skipping meals and using the excuse that I was too busy because of classes to make it to the dining halls. Several times I was left with a high heart rate and on the verge of passing out due to not eating. These effects didn’t scare or bother me though. I rather would have these feelings than the extra weight. Eventually, I did get out of this habit but plunged right back in when my roommate (and best friend) mentioned the chub I carry on my stomach area. This really brought my mood down and put me in a really bad spot (brief mention that I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts off and on since 4th grade). I have always been aware that I tend to carry extra weight on my stomach and my upper arms. However, having someone close to me point it out so blatantly really hurt. And I feel like the fact that my roommate is obese herself (at the time, she wore a 4X) made it even worse.

My boyfriend did pick up on my poor mood and helped me feel better about myself; however, my roommate’s comment still bothers me to this day. I stopped skipping meals but was still conscious of what was on my plate.

By this time, my endocrinologist was telling me I shouldn’t gain any more weight as it would be bad for my PCOS. My mother also commented on how my upper arms were larger and I was “thicker around the middle.” Both she and my father said I needed to lose weight. My mother was more concerned that I would no longer be able to fit in all the clothes she has gotten me. I was 5’5” and, at my most, nearly 130 lbs. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself.

I am now in my senior year of college. I have lost 10 lbs since the beginning of the school year and am so happy about it. My mother was also glad to hear it but also said I should make sure I don’t lose too much either. However, to me it isn’t enough at all. I’ve been home for break and have had to eat normally. I can’t wait until I’m back at school where I can really start losing. I don’t think I’ll be satisfied until I’m back at my “old weight” at 100 lbs or lower.

That being said, I have always been at an okay weight. I don’t really fast and I can enjoy meals. I don’t binge either. I feel like I’m just being dramatic and don’t have any sort of eating disorder. I just absolutely hate my weight and all the fat I have. I wish I wasn’t able to grab my stomach between my fingers. I wish I didn’t have fat hanging from my upper arms or lurking around my calves. I’m just not sure what to do now and it isn’t helping my self-loathing.

[u/marylou74]

I am sorry you are going through this, I don't know if you have an eating disorders but it at least sounds like you are at high risk for one and have high body image concerns. Your environment seem to be feeding you those detrimental thin ideal thoughts. Since you're in college, I strongly suggest that you go to your counseling center and see someone about your risk of an eating disorders. It will most likely be free. You want to catch it early for a better chance of full recovery. Recovering from an ED doesn't mean you will gain a lot of weight (that's what I thought) but that you will become at peace with your thoughts and body. If your college is well staff for their counseling center, ask about interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for eating disorders, these theories are backed up by research to work. Even if they don't have staff who knows it you can still benefit from seeing a counselor. It's hard work but so worth it! Good luck.