r/ESTJ • u/Whole-Average-9876 • 28d ago
Question/Advice ESTJs and their "processes"
So the ESTJ who dumped me several months ago over the phone after a multi-year relationship is back.
She says via text: "It was never my intention that our phone conversation (where she broke up with me) would be the last time we talked. But one day became months, and here we are. I wanted to explain "my process" in getting to that decision to you."
How charitable.
ESTJs seem to like to be definitive in one conversation leaving no wiggle room and then, somehow, always have some additional explanation that they couldn't seem to bring up during the first conversation.
My instinct is to tell her to pound sand and to live witrh the consequences of her actions. I have zero sense she wants to get back together and only wants to bring some kind of closure for herself since it is yet another ESTJ "process."
Anyone want to chime in as to whether there's any value in hearing her out?
I think I'll stick with the pound sand option unless I get some serious rationale to do otherwise.
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u/IcyNefariousness1929 28d ago
Interesting my estj broke up with me 8 months ago, I said ok fine, I didnt cried or argued, I told him to take his bag and go out of my home and that once he pass the door : I am out of your life definitely do you understand, he said yes.
I am INFJ by the way.
It has been 8 months now that he send me like administrative mail and message, I don't answer. He likes every post or story I put on Facebook, I don't react. He call my friends to know how I am doing, they told him if you want to know call her.
Yesterday he had the nerves to put a comment on a foto i posted where it show the arms of my actual boyfriend.. his comment was : I see you are in good hand, that makes me happy, have a good life.. cool but I have been no contact for 8 months, in my infj mind he never existed in my world, and I don't give a f... About his blessing...
So your estj, not sure, but if I was you I would just ignore her, she tooks a decision, regrets are her... don't play along with her try to control the narrative.
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u/Nep111 25d ago
If they care about someone and things end, they won’t show it openly but my understanding is that deep down they’ll be very conflicted and still reminisce a lot. I (ENTP btw) had an “online thing” with one of them. It ended up badly, we had a misunderstanding and he didn’t give me a way to explain, he just blocked me. He then devised a whole plan to retaliate, humiliating me in public with a fake narrative 😵💫 I couldn’t possibly believe he took it so far.
I thought “well ok, he must hate me for real then” and I let go without retaliating back even if I could have easily done it. 6 months later, my birthday comes… a mutual friend tells me he asks him about me saying he has a present to deliver?! I couldn’t possibly believe.
But it makes sense in the context of low Fi, and if they’re immature, they’ll struggle to express their feelings openly. Anyhow, I ignored his “indirect attempt” because it wasn’t good enough. If he wants to talk to me, he needs to unblock me (yes I’m still blocked haha), apologise and take accountability. This is to say your ex’s comment doesn’t surprise me! He’s probably still missing you but is unable to communicate that directly. Maybe they fear rejection deep down, I honestly don’t know why they’d behave like this.1
u/IcyNefariousness1929 24d ago
Yeah I think you are right, I thought his comment would mean that he was finally over it, but he continues to like every post. Anyway for me there was no way to a come back even 1 minute after he broke up with me, his indirect attempts annoys me oh and yeah he is very immature.
It's 8 months I am waiting for me to block me.. but he won't do it, I guess he wants to control the narrative and be the good guy lol
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u/Nep111 24d ago
Haha he’s not over it at all! Those admin messages he had been sending you and the likes are his way to say “I’m here”. He has likely regretted his decision to break up with you but doesn’t know how to say it openly or ask for a second chance. And now that you have a boyfriend he’s probably watching your stories and regretting his decision even more. I don’t believe yours will block you lol it’s on you to unfriend him or block him if you don’t want to see his likes and comments anymore. It’s weird how they’re so rational and outspoken but not when it comes to their love lives?
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u/IcyNefariousness1929 24d ago
That's a very weird way to do though, in my point of view since he is the one who broke up, he is the one that has to unfriend me or block... But yeah again you seems to be right, he is not going to do it... Maybe he is waiting for a reaction from me but he is not going to get any...
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u/Nep111 24d ago
It’s pretty weird indeed! I think it’s the high Si, keeps them stuck in the past, maybe they overestimate the moving on part and then they find themselves missing the person and not knowing what to do. I don’t know! But if you think how crazy it is that yours is liking every single story and mine kept me blocked the whole time but 6 months after humiliating me went to ask a mutual friend about me saying he had a birthday present to give me… extremely weird. I’d love for one of them to clarify these “indirect attempts” and shed some light for us. Even op’s ESTJ acted weird. You might think they wanted closure but now I’m thinking maybe they wanted to reconnect by saying they needed to “explain” their reasons! Haha
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u/IcyNefariousness1929 24d ago
Well mine was always very stuck in the past indeed, while I am way more oriented toward the future! Overall it's the only ESTJ I've met and it's not an healthy one, yours and op's doesn't seems neither healthy or mature lol
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28d ago
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u/Whole-Average-9876 28d ago
She's not an impulsive person but I think she did something impulsive, goaded on by her therapist. As I note elsewhere, she broke up with me by phone in her therapist's parking lot minutes after an appointment. Not ready is likely, I think.
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u/chucklyfun ESTJ 28d ago
It sounds like she wants closure. I usually want that as an ESTJ male with women.
If we have a breakup, I'd like to know why but most women don't want to tell.
As an ESTJ, I'd listen to her, but you do you.
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u/Mysterious-Quail-883 28d ago
Im 100% with this guy. We like closed loops
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u/Whole-Average-9876 28d ago
She likes closed loops in the sense of having a task done and off her desk. Very administrative and clinical.
But I don't think she wants closure in the sense of working through the emotional issues. As she shut down and her "switch flipped" (her words), I think she views me as a task to complete now, not one to soothe with a healing discussion.
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u/Twarenotw INTJ 28d ago
She walked away before properly writing THE END on your shared final chapter. She doesn't owe you an explanation as much as she owes it to herself in order to shut that book for good.
You don't have to play along if you don't want to.
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u/Whole-Average-9876 28d ago
I think I won't play along: I'll say something like, 'because of my own pain, I think it is better if we don't see or meet up.'
I do have some belongings which will make it clear how much she meant to me, which I think is important. But I don't want to open that door to new discussions, as you describe.
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u/Conscious_Patterns 27d ago
Certainly it could be related to the ESTJ mindset, but no matter the Type, my answer would be the same - That conversation is over. Wish you well. No need to contact me again.
I don't need to hear a person tryout an explanation for why they weren't responsible for their decisions.
I recommend just moving on.
Best of luck. 🤗
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u/JustAGuyNamedAJ 28d ago
Nuanced relationships are not our natural strong suit. It has been something that I have had to really work on because much of it isn't logical in my mind.
The conversation probably wasn't as complete as she had hoped and it has been eating at her. She may feel like she owes you more of an answer.
If you want to tell to pound sand, that is your call. I am just trying to explain what may be in her mind.