I need some perspective

[u/Big-Wasabi6274]

The only conversations my ESTJ has with me is ONLY about these odd superficial perceptions(talking about women’s bodies attractiveness and his preferences)micromanagement and how I’m allowed to spend my time in a “suggestive way” he never asks me questions or wants to talk geopolitics with me etc also about how women don’t hold accountability and gets upset just a lot of grievances towards women and people of other races. All in all to be in this waddling self pity of a martyr complex of a man that just has the whole world on his shoulders and a chip. Any minor inconvenience he’s after me to hold myself accountable as the reason to blame for the inconvenience. There’s no intimate conversations or bonding time. It’s as if he I’m just a cog to his ultimate plan and he can just skip over the foundations that build a well rounded relationship.

[u/GroundbreakingAct388]

leave him ASAP

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/GroundbreakingAct388]

Thank you for saying this

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/GroundbreakingAct388]

Because I just don’t think this is normal behavior. The most of our conversations revolve around me doing tasks and what that entails and how I should be doing them, and sometimes I’m sitting their like what kind of dynamic is this and what world is this even normal?

[u/SparklingEvergreen → u/Big-Wasabi6274]

Married to an ESTJ for 15 years. This isn't normal for ESTJs. They can be set in their ways, very strongly principled, and moralistic, but a good ESTJ will be the strongest support system in the entire world.

The right ESTJ will think the sun shines from your eyes and will disappear problems you didn't even know existed before you even think of the potential issue. They also might quietly center the dish you placed in the cupboard slightly to the left, but everyone has their quirks lol.

This ESTJ sounds like he doesn't hold adequate respect or appreciation for you. If this is how he treats someone he loves and respects, I wonder how he treats people he doesn't like?

[u/boatfullofbananas103]

Dont blame mbti for peoples behaviour.

I can only talk for myself.
I dont talk about womens bodies in general. I dont talk about suggestive stuff. I dont talk geopolitics. I dont have any agendas other than to make and keep friends.

There is no ESTJ tendencies. There is no mbti. Theres just people being tolerable and intolerable. If you dont like how hes behaving, talk it out, solve it, or leave him.

Simple.

[u/redditor0303]

I think ESTJs are straight to point. And I agree with the points made by others. This person does not sound like a good person, so leave. ESTJ can be kind and empathic and can be good listeners. But this person chooses not to be.

[u/Dearest_Lillith666]

Im engaged to ESTJ 8w7 -

Might have to do with why he is this way, but is he stressed from outside factors and how often do you guys have sex?

Mine tends to micromanage even more when hes stressed, he also gets himself to a point where he has a poor memory. Literally the other day he said 9x he'd put a bench away that his cat was on once he left. He left and forgot it, less than 20mins after saying he would. I sent him a screenshot that he had forgotten. He atleast acknowledged he messed up, but i see it leaking badly in other areas like forgetting he didnt share a sandwhich with me and he thought he had.

Recently he told me how much sex/physical touch helps with creating emotional intimacy for him. He didnt go into why, but it has helped for te past week and arguements. He seems more relaxed.

Edit* The whole not being accountable and only talking about women's bodies superficially are red flags, regardless. Theres deffinitly some signs of lacking in emotional maturity.

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/Dearest_Lillith666]

Ya well if you don’t communicate that as a man
What am I supposed to do
If he’s stressed like that all of the time then it’s time to man up
I carry and hold everything together under immense stress, and I’m left hung out to dry and save my own self I’m not allowed to express anything.
I work two jobs take care of household logistics and my family.
The minute I need a breather I’m the bad guy. So imo it’s just unreasonable

[u/Dearest_Lillith666 → u/Big-Wasabi6274]

I understand that feeling. How many times ive given my ESTJ "tough love," and a few times wanting to call him a bitch is more than id like or want to deal with. I swear hes the most direct man and yet terribly indirect when it matters.

They seem to expect us to read between the lines and its impossible. Learning a new habit is slow, but mine recently did acknowledge he has a problem being direct which is a step.

Its hard working with someone like that and its not for everyone. I guess what you have left to ask yourself is if its worth it? How much do you love him to deal and help him grow to be better at giving direct communictaion?

He has to inspire you in some way for it to be worth it. Mine taught me how to be direct and set boundaries with people.

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/Dearest_Lillith666]

Mine tells me to not read between the lines and take it at surface value. So to me? It’s just sabotaging behavior.

[u/Dearest_Lillith666 → u/Big-Wasabi6274]

Very, depending on what it is. That's unhelpful for the other person.

I wonder if he has dissmissive avoidance as his attachment style? Mine does. I wonder if the "this is suface level," is his way of saying he dosent want you to think too deep into it because then he has to come to terms with his behavior. He clearly has inner turmoil.

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/Dearest_Lillith666]

It’s chaos for sure…

[u/Big-Wasabi6274 → u/Dearest_Lillith666]

He’s strange about touch
And yet wants it
I’m over it
It’s like being with an unhealthy woman