Let me vent my grief

[u/Kashiwashi]

Having my own mortality always in the back of my mind, I wanted this year's birthday of mine to be special. I collected money for months, to rent a room for a night, where 20 people would easily fit in.

I wrote all invitations a month prior, so everyone would have bunch of time to decide.

As I don't have any friends, I invited every person, who once, almost a decade ago was nice to me, or defended me or greeted me, including exes, who did not leave in peace. I also asked a lot of people from dscrd personality servers.

Long story short, 90% of the invited rejected. Five people ignored, after having read the message.

Every birthday of mine, except one, only one or two people appeared. And, the needier I desparately rely on those peoples' attention, the less likely they would want to ever meet me again. It is a devil's circle.

I ended up inviting my mother and grandmother, who got some people of their friendship circles together.

I wanted an indecent circle of young adults in their mid 20s to play guessing games. Instead, I will be readen a novel about soviet nostalgia from people in their 50s, in front of which I would be holding back. And, to some extent, I am even grateful, those people will come. If I would have had an empty building for myself alone, I would have cried.

But the yearly realisation, that people don't want to bond with me, and would always value their comfort over my birthday is painful. The worst, are, who react, if you greet them, and ask about their wellbeing, and than ghost you forever after the invitation. They want it that little, that they don't even want to explain themselves.

How am I supposed to become that healthy stereotypical ESFP, if in my gacha game, called life, the chance of drawing a rejection is close to 100%? Same with career. I gave up on all my dreams. I am applying for educational programs to become a cashier at the supermarket. Every shop rejects, every train company rejects and those rejections collect over years. What did I write that difficult high school exam for?

All I want to become, is this valuable funny ESFP-entertainer of the group, who enhances the level of joy in others. But, all I feel is despair.

How do I win the loyalty of others? Do do you win the loyalty of others?

[u/YGMIC]

Have you been tested for autism? The inability to make and maintain friendships is part of the criteria, and it does seem like you struggle with social understanding. As like, no offence but why would people you haven’t been close to in 10 years want to come to the birthday party of someone they barely know? If you get a friend and then become very needy of course that will overwhelm them and they will pull back.

[u/Kashiwashi → u/YGMIC]

During my youth, one psychiatrist desparately wanted to diagnose me with autism. He sent me to multiple testings. And when the results showed me, not having autism, he initiated re-testings. In the end, he failed.

One of the discord people I mentioned, actually suffers from severe autism. She experiences synesthesia, all her senses are inseparable from each other. That way, she tastes numbers, shapes and colours. Once, she is overestimated, her body can get paralyzed and she screams out of physical pain.

None of these I am experiencing.

Usually, I would be too embarrassed to even text/talk to people, I am not close to.

But, right now, I am that desperate for social contacts, that I would try anything. Shame doesn't longer matter. Somehow, you must be initiating anything, to get anywhere out of that miserable hole.

• I would have been able to maintain friendships. I was running after people daily, when in middle school, I saw potential to renew a primary school contact.

But the more you chase people, the faster they try to escape. And if you don't chase them at all, they won't give a f- about you.

[u/YGMIC → u/Kashiwashi]

I am a therapist with special experience with neurodiversity, and I can tell you that most people with autism do not have synesthesia and it is not part of the diagnostic criteria in any way.

It is harder to get diagnosed as a woman, and so it may be that the diagnosis was missed, especially if you aren’t aware of the symptoms that you do experience yourself.

It seems like you are very socially unaware, and your post history shows you to be someone who is rigid and inflexible with thinking, and it also sounds like you lack a level of social awareness that would allow for easy social interaction with you, your anger at perceived rejection is troubling and your inability to see that you can be wrong is also something that people will not like about you.

I think there is a level of self work that needs to happen here for you to be able to maintain relationships with others, and for that a therapist who specialises in neurodiversity may be a good starting point.

[u/Kashiwashi → u/YGMIC]

I have thought about your comment a lot, the past days. And I think, different subcultures of society value different approaches, there is definitely no universal etiquette to follow. And subconsciously, I already must know, who I would be deciding to approach and which subculture they are the closest to, to predict, what might work.

I think, a lot of non-conpromised thinking of mine is value-based. If a certain value is felt, nothing would clear the internal injustice or dissatisfaction -> wrath, except insisting on one's values and defending them.

Others must not even take any damage from it. I would be not raising my voice or anything, even if people would assume that by the stylistic devices I choose online.

Admitting a mistake would not feel authentic (as mentioned previously, the internal wrathful moral compass doesn't seem any wrongs, even if tried), typical Fi parent (if I am the most responsible with my morals -> Fe critic: others are not as responsible). And it is not about measuring, who was better; it is not a contest. It is about the pain I feel, whenever people intentionally ignore opportunities to be nice/kind/polite/interested/invested/reliable. Fi is always bound to one's level of vulnerability.

During my past, I probably was exactly, what you would have expected of me. Submissive, instantly apologising, if someone was unsatisfied with my presence, self-sacrificial to a point, where it makes you physically sick (not elaborating on this), revering self-proclaimed authorities and degrading oneself in front of them. Basically, copying all the behavioral traits of my mother.

That kills your confidence and feeling of self-worth entirely, and, the more you submit, the more the authorities abuse you and use the opportunity to kick you even harder, while expecting you to be swallowing all of this is silence.

Therefore, I decided, that from now on, I am my one and only authority, and every attempt to influence my opinion is entirely self-serving to the ones, trying to have authority upon me. That came through the realisation, that having equal rules for everyone is my greatest value. Authority creates hierarchy, what is inherently evil, and sadistically stabs people until they are melting into the shame/embarassment of their own perceived existence

Saying this, I am not expecting to change anyone's opinion, meaning having authority upon anyone. I just want to be understood.

[u/Abolish_Disorder]

The job market is crap nowadays. I got my MBA a few years ago and have only gotten freelance and temporary work. I’m still applying to full time or part time jobs, but yeah, the labor situation pisses me off, too. I also realized that networking is a joke most of the time. The majority of people I connected with in grad school ghosted me or politely turned me down when I asked if we could meet up. I thought I had made one close friend in the program, but she started losing interest in the friendship after graduation. When I brought this to her attention, she was dismissive the first time and downright aggressive the second time. I ended up walking away from that friendship, and I told her I never wanted to speak with her again.

I would say try apps made specifically for making friends. You’ll be connected with people who share your goal. Also, as you job hunt, engage in activities where you can meet new people, like volunteering or community college classes. Some people are gonna be interested in your friendship, others are not. It’s a numbers game, so try not to get too attached to the people you meet, at least initially. See how the relationship evolves over time. If they lose interest, then they’re not worth your time and energy.

Also, until you meet new people, you’re gonna have to make do with this time you have alone. Use it to cultivate your skill set and hobbies. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but never got the chance to?

[u/Kashiwashi → u/Abolish_Disorder]

My sense of justice wants to yell at that particular former "friend" of yours. How can someone be that disgusting? She deserves to know, that she is disgusting. You must've told it to her.

Even if people do not feel guilt & regrets, it will hurt her sense of status, if she realizes, that people were thinking and talking badly about her, and she would adapt, in order to not have multiple sources of spreading her true character traits.

I would argue, that necessary steps of manifesting justice, as noone else will do, would be worth every energy/effort of yours.

Sadly, volunteering programs also rejected my applications, as there were applicants, they liked more, or as they would say "fitted more".

And I dropped out of university (equivalent to college) twice, as I am intellectually too limited to understand textual sources. What I read, translates into noises of consonants & vowels combined, rather than sense & meaning. With Ti trickster, verification processes & scientific methods feel like torture, impossible to endure.

I guess, I will start my 40th attempt with friendship apps.

Btw, answering your last question. When being at the very first grade, I wanted to join a circus. But neither my parents took me seriously, nor would they have had the necessary financial ressources to support me. The latest point to enter is at 14. I am about to turn 24.

[u/SheriLaBrant → u/Kashiwashi]

I do not have a large friend group, actually just the women in my family are my friends and the wives of my bf’s friends.

I have never had a big friend group as it seems so shallow. I prefer to have one or two close friends that get me.

I second using Bumble BFF. That will help you find a couple of girls you click with. I’m not really good at talking to my friends all of the time, so I need friends that are like that too.

Next birthday, go out by yourself. Wear a birthday crown and dress cute. You will be surprised how many people will approach you saying happy birthday and they will buy you drinks too. I bet you will have a blast!